i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
