I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Loading more great texts...