Texts From Last Night · ImAHighSamurai's Favorites

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ImAHighSamurai's Favorites Texts:

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already

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(317): View more from Indiana

she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.

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(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident

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(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(352): View more from Florida

the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.

(407): View more from Florida

given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was

(352): View more from Florida

i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(314): View more from Missouri

dude did u upper deck my toilet?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

haha like two months ago

(314): View more from Missouri

i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

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(443): View more from Maryland

So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.

(443): View more from Maryland

It breaks. We fall.

(443): View more from Maryland

I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.

(404): View more from Georgia

Is it any good?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.

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(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(212): View more from New York

i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack

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(601): View more from Mississippi

they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(315): View more from New York

It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities

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(586): View more from Michigan

When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.

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(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(562): View more from California

...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are

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(404): View more from Georgia

What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(914): View more from New York

Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

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(812): View more from Indiana

She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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(619): View more from California

Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night

(323): View more from California

How mad was your dog?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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(281): View more from Texas

So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?

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(914): View more from New York

I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

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(619): View more from California

you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

People still let you watch their kids?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

condoms and good judgment

(614): View more from Ohio

Can I buy both of those at the same store?

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(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(256): View more from Alabama

A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(734): View more from Michigan

hey call me

(810): View more from Michigan

can't. in the shower.

(734): View more from Michigan

... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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(847): View more from Illinois

Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party

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(503): View more from Oregon

He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings

(856): View more from New Jersey

youre going to kill that woman one of these days

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(615): View more from Tennessee

a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv

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(616): View more from Michigan

You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.

(248): View more from Michigan

no

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(916): View more from California

Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?

(760): View more from California

You are my hero

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(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(813): View more from Florida

There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it

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(443): View more from Maryland

its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten

(301): View more from Maryland

so glad i banged her when she was skinny

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(901): View more from Tennessee

oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass

(901): View more from Tennessee

fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings

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(+61): View more from Australia

yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

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(209): View more from California

AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Want to have sex later?

(614): View more from Ohio

This feels like a trap

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(408): View more from California

Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

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(630): View more from Illinois

the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

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(734): View more from Michigan

dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks

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(989): View more from Michigan

Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(314): View more from Missouri

I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?

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(518): View more from New York

What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(314): View more from Missouri

no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.

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(815): View more from Illinois

His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

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(630): View more from Illinois

last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(816): View more from Missouri

is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex

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(845): View more from New York

that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

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(214): View more from Texas

How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(510): View more from California

one might say we're banned from that church

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(201): View more from New Jersey

it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships

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(619): View more from California

I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

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(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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(240): View more from Maryland

just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(541): View more from Oregon

I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Miracles do happen.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(571): View more from Virginia

found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(408): View more from California

New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.

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(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(361): View more from Texas

Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.

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(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?

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(650): View more from California

I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(913): View more from Kansas

some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone

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(561): View more from Florida

hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?

(407): View more from Florida

i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

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(703): View more from Virginia

He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Wasn't he an English major?

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(315): View more from New York

You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(650): View more from California

I feel great

(650): View more from California

I just peed on a car

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

And?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(716): View more from New York

i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

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(812): View more from Indiana

Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest

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(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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(704): View more from North Carolina

So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.

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(631): View more from New York

Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(847): View more from Illinois

chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was

(734): View more from Michigan

you're 26.

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.

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(305): View more from Florida

I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(650): View more from California

Is it normal to miss your booty call?

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(807): View more from Ontario

discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin

(262): View more from Wisconsin

your sister was..

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"

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(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(607): View more from New York

I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...

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(312): View more from Illinois

kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

tell him to stop quoting family guy

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"

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(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

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(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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(442): View more from California

seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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(254): View more from Texas

you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room

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(303): View more from Colorado

This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free

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(101): View more from

Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

This girl is more easily done than said...

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(641): View more from Iowa

she has no idea who harrison ford is.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.

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(407): View more from Florida

At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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(631): View more from New York

I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

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(916): View more from California

I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.

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(309): View more from Illinois

"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.

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(607): View more from New York

Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

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(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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(480): View more from Arizona

This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You're perfectly engineered for doggy style

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(251): View more from Alabama

About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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(513): View more from Ohio

his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(417): View more from Missouri

My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived

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(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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(207): View more from Maine

things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Hi, my name's audrey!

(614): View more from Ohio

Max?

(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

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(925): View more from California

So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(310): View more from California

and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(212): View more from New York

btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.

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(281): View more from Texas

After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

(443): View more from Maryland

We using my standards or yours?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings

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(973): View more from New Jersey

too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.

(507): View more from Minnesota

she is a standing ovation.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(925): View more from California

He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball

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(815): View more from Illinois

What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?

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(804): View more from Virginia

no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies

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(909): View more from California

We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(+44): View more from England

You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(805): View more from California

He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex

(949): View more from California

How do you have pretend sex?

(805): View more from California

It was bad...so it was pretend

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.

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(740): View more from Ohio

she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.

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(618): View more from Illinois

for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(541): View more from Oregon

I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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(330): View more from Ohio

this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(858): View more from California

Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.

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(805): View more from California

at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.

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(443): View more from Maryland

God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

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(616): View more from Michigan

it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She looked kinda like Mario Batali?

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(315): View more from New York

That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

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(314): View more from Missouri

First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single

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(248): View more from Michigan

he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?

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(518): View more from New York

i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My cha cha got a haircut

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell

(720): View more from Colorado

That's the classiest thing you've ever said.

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(360): View more from Washington

You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

(703): View more from Virginia

just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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(201): View more from New Jersey

somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

did you fuck him yet?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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(480): View more from Arizona

oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

I would love to give you more rug burn

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(956): View more from Texas

Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(712): View more from Iowa

She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever

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(810): View more from Michigan

If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?

(989): View more from Michigan

I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.

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(239): View more from Florida

you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys

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(703): View more from Virginia

Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick

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(619): View more from California

wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh

(1-619): View more from California

maybe you did when you were drunk

(619): View more from California

no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.

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(407): View more from Florida

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

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(240): View more from Maryland

so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend

(301): View more from Maryland

1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps

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(248): View more from Michigan

Update, blind date is cute and fun.

(248): View more from Michigan

Scratch that, blind date just threw up.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(315): View more from New York

a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

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(313): View more from Michigan

sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test

(1-313): View more from Michigan

but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.

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(801): View more from Utah

i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(503): View more from Oregon

my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"

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(757): View more from Virginia

Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.

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(619): View more from California

pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story

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(812): View more from Indiana

dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.

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(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

(985): View more from Louisiana

doesn't he have a girlfriend???

(504): View more from Louisiana

yeah...who do you think woke us up...

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her

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(760): View more from California

Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

You don't understand. I'm not like you.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You can't wash away shame.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I can try.

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(909): View more from California

how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Do you have a shampoo for semen

(604): View more from British Columbia

Or a time machine

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.

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(353): View more from

I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number

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(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

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(650): View more from California

apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

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(847): View more from Illinois

dude, osama threatened the US again

(1-847): View more from Illinois

dude. i slept with your sister last night

(847): View more from Illinois

what?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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(727): View more from Florida

So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend

(1-727): View more from Florida

Awkward

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

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(737): View more from Texas

You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?

(1-737): View more from Texas

That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there

(737): View more from Texas

It's my parent's restaurant

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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(616): View more from Michigan

you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed

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(614): View more from Ohio

So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

you should have been aborted.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed

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(567): View more from Ohio

i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial

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(440): View more from Ohio

Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.

(971): View more from Oregon

Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.

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(310): View more from California

so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.

(419): View more from Ohio

I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.

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(330): View more from Ohio

when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(972): View more from Texas

how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes

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(434): View more from Virginia

well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard

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(770): View more from Georgia

I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.

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(936): View more from Texas

im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(623): View more from Arizona

were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead

(201): View more from New Jersey

NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

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(561): View more from Florida

I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She said she didn't have time to shave "there"

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.

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(818): View more from California

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

(626): View more from California

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

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(646): View more from New York

So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

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(+34): View more from Spain

Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

I'm on my way.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(303): View more from Colorado

You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

(720): View more from Colorado

Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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(917): View more from New York City

we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.

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(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(512): View more from Texas

he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??

(630): View more from Illinois

savin' lives aint cheap

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(713): View more from Texas

How bad was it?

(1-713): View more from Texas

You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth

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(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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