Texts From Last Night · qwerty159's Favorites

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qwerty159's Favorites Texts:

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(816): View more from Missouri

He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.

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(585): View more from New York

I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening

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(515): View more from Iowa

Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.

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(516): View more from New York

Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again

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(722): View more from

It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush

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(815): View more from Illinois

he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days

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(909): View more from California

You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?

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(970): View more from Colorado

you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...

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(636): View more from Missouri

We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.

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(518): View more from New York

just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.

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(818): View more from California

I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.

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(425): View more from Washington

Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me

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(207): View more from Maine

I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.

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(773): View more from Illinois

my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me

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(713): View more from Texas

Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

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(607): View more from New York

Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.

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(714): View more from California

I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?

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(281): View more from Texas

Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.

(802): View more from Vermont

Campus is too small for this to keep happening

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(067): View more from

I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you

(1+44): View more from

Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause

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(952): View more from Minnesota

FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY

(618): View more from Illinois

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The D is nonnegotable.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Are you still free tonight?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid

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(805): View more from California

GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.

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(323): View more from California

Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.

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(954): View more from Florida

He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her

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(315): View more from New York

Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.

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(951): View more from California

Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick

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(206): View more from Washington

Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"

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(716): View more from New York

Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila

(716): View more from New York

Step 4: your drunk

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.

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(727): View more from Florida

Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.

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(541): View more from Oregon

There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.

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(512): View more from Texas

During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?

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(480): View more from Arizona

you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny

(480): View more from Arizona

speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about

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(561): View more from Florida

In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm

(561): View more from Florida

Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.

(413): View more from Massachusetts

The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.

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(773): View more from Illinois

The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.

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(818): View more from California

Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!

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(561): View more from Florida

Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?

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(906): View more from Michigan

A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.

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(514): View more from Quebec

When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.

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(510): View more from California

Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"

(510): View more from California

How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??

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(713): View more from Texas

Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice

(623): View more from Arizona

You suck, She hit so hard.

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(631): View more from New York

So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.

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(212): View more from New York

My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.

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(714): View more from California

I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!

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(989): View more from Michigan

So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.

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(540): View more from Virginia

the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions

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(309): View more from Illinois

There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.

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(256): View more from Alabama

My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.

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(256): View more from Alabama

IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.

(985): View more from Louisiana

Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.

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(718): View more from New York

He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina

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(847): View more from Illinois

How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.

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(317): View more from Indiana

My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.

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(519): View more from Ontario

don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms

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(309): View more from Illinois

And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.

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(512): View more from Texas

Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover

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(323): View more from California

Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?

(1-323): View more from California

Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?

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(416): View more from Toronto

What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!

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(239): View more from Florida

The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.

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(816): View more from Missouri

well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me

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(518): View more from New York

Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch

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(512): View more from Texas

How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.

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(516): View more from New York

I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?

(614): View more from Ohio

Your word choices worry me.

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(530): View more from California

Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?

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(540): View more from Virginia

I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

It's 4 in the afternoon........

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?

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(512): View more from Texas

Where'd you go last night?

(512): View more from Texas

Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.

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(619): View more from California

You fucked that MILF against my car!

(415): View more from California

How would you know?

(619): View more from California

She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet

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(503): View more from Oregon

A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You are living the dream.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.

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(801): View more from Utah

It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...

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(775): View more from Nevada

New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?

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(206): View more from Washington

She's going to hate me

(425): View more from Washington

Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.

(425): View more from Washington

The rest will just start to agree

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(254): View more from Texas

He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(616): View more from Michigan

MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

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(209): View more from California

He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.

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(415): View more from California

A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."

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(404): View more from Georgia

No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"

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(714): View more from California

Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone

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(330): View more from Ohio

Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.

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(406): View more from Montana

Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

the boozy kind. is there any other?

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(573): View more from Missouri

Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!

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(954): View more from Florida

Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.

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(253): View more from Washington

Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.

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(714): View more from California

I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?

(1-714): View more from California

Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious

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(817): View more from Texas

you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"

(682): View more from Texas

God please dont post that to facebook.

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(573): View more from Missouri

BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST

(573): View more from Missouri

TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL

(573): View more from Missouri

AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT

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(303): View more from Colorado

All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"

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(702): View more from Nevada

He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!

(1-416): View more from Toronto

Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken

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(206): View more from Washington

Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time

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(775): View more from Nevada

Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.

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(716): View more from New York

We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club

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(360): View more from Washington

A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.

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(209): View more from California

DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.

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(714): View more from California

I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it

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(305): View more from Florida

We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.

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(712): View more from Iowa

She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.

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(916): View more from California

On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome

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(256): View more from Alabama

You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.

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(956): View more from Texas

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.

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(813): View more from Florida

That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.

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(585): View more from New York

Can you rollerblade?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

No, why?

(585): View more from New York

Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.

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(513): View more from Ohio

And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea

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(520): View more from Arizona

last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.

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(850): View more from Florida

so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in

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(407): View more from Florida

When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The paramedics were not my fault this time.

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(614): View more from Ohio

When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?

(330): View more from Ohio

Come on... He's just practicing.

(614): View more from Ohio

Ok. That's acceptable.

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(207): View more from Maine

CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP

(207): View more from Maine

Do we still have any pizza left from last night?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.

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(206): View more from Washington

Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"

(1-206): View more from Washington

I feel so bad for your roommate

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(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.

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(727): View more from Florida

He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.

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(512): View more from Texas

Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.

(254): View more from Texas

That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka

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(816): View more from Missouri

Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so

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(585): View more from New York

Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you

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(225): View more from Louisiana

So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Happy Birhtday!

(289): View more from Ontario

Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

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(406): View more from Montana

Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.

(240): View more from Maryland

Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.

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(727): View more from Florida

She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Two dicks, one me.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Yoga's definitely paying off.

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(831): View more from California

Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"

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(907): View more from Alaska

You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?

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(415): View more from California

That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...

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(317): View more from Indiana

it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

On my way

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(509): View more from Washington

My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...

(206): View more from Washington

They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then

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(727): View more from Florida

We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

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(727): View more from Florida

I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.

(1-727): View more from Florida

Please never have kids.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off

(720): View more from Colorado

I mean come on

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention

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(785): View more from Kansas

That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.

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(727): View more from Florida

He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*

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(386): View more from Florida

I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks

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(914): View more from New York

All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point

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(515): View more from Iowa

Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.

(605): View more from South Dakota

When was that?

(515): View more from Iowa

Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...

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(785): View more from Kansas

i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up

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(702): View more from Nevada

I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

How does that even work?

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(510): View more from California

Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.

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(954): View more from Florida

Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.

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(415): View more from California

Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.

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(650): View more from California

I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to

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(343): View more from Ontario

Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?

(1-343): View more from Ontario

Lol, last year was UNREAL

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(954): View more from Florida

Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Pathetic yet considerate

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class

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(309): View more from Illinois

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!

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(716): View more from New York

Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.

(269): View more from Michigan

That should be the title of my autobiography.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers

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(317): View more from Indiana

I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!

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(802): View more from Vermont

Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station

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(302): View more from Delaware

We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.

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(925): View more from California

So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?

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(510): View more from California

I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus

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(810): View more from Michigan

Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is

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(940): View more from Texas

I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused

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(406): View more from Montana

I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period

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(319): View more from Iowa

I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I ate the most amazing corn dog today.

(517): View more from Michigan

I will probably dream about it.

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(406): View more from Montana

I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(

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(+61): View more from Australia

I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!

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(971): View more from Oregon

HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.

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(818): View more from California

Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him

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(757): View more from Virginia

I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt

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(440): View more from Ohio

Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Welcome to Philly.

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(315): View more from New York

EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

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(520): View more from Arizona

YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.

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(347): View more from New York

Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...

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(954): View more from Florida

After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?

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(613): View more from Ontario

We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.

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(207): View more from Maine

I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.

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(415): View more from California

It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit

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(205): View more from Alabama

I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED

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(786): View more from Florida

Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.

(1-786): View more from Florida

Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?

(786): View more from Florida

I insist.

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(712): View more from Iowa

How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant

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(256): View more from Alabama

Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.

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(406): View more from Montana

WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA

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(847): View more from Illinois

Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.

(304): View more from West Virginia

Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.

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(530): View more from California

I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.

(1-530): View more from California

It's like you're the voice of my soul.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.

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(256): View more from Alabama

No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.

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(716): View more from New York

Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.

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(917): View more from New York City

Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum

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(817): View more from Texas

Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.

(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".

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(314): View more from Missouri

So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.

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(315): View more from New York

I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online

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(775): View more from Nevada

Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Both.

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(647): View more from Ontario

The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And then someone hit me with a pool cue

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.

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(954): View more from Florida

Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer

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(707): View more from California

I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm cool with that

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"

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(301): View more from Maryland

I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie

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(937): View more from Ohio

Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

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(509): View more from Washington

My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.

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(415): View more from California

I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS

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(303): View more from Colorado

Kings cup with teenagers tonight

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Done deal

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(574): View more from Indiana

IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.

(971): View more from Oregon

YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.

(574): View more from Indiana

NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

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(330): View more from Ohio

What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday

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(618): View more from Illinois

I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom

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(201): View more from New Jersey

There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.

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(940): View more from Texas

Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.

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(650): View more from California

I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.

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(406): View more from Montana

After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.

(302): View more from Delaware

Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"

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(253): View more from Washington

Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.

(1-253): View more from Washington

Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.

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(903): View more from Texas

Han Solo would be ashamed of me.

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(650): View more from California

You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

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(231): View more from Michigan

Is this a drinking picnic?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Is there another kind?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.

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(425): View more from Washington

I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.

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(256): View more from Alabama

my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..

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(817): View more from Texas

Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!

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(716): View more from New York

Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators

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(408): View more from California

I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.

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(231): View more from Michigan

It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.

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(815): View more from Illinois

is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?

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(512): View more from Texas

Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe

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(415): View more from California

Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.

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(956): View more from Texas

He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.

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(708): View more from Illinois

At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.

(636): View more from Missouri

And then audibly agreed

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(475): View more from Connecticut

So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for

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(719): View more from Colorado

I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.

(540): View more from Virginia

Of course you are.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Best superhero ever to exist

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(406): View more from Montana

3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.

(1-406): View more from Montana

How stoned are you?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs

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(720): View more from Colorado

She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable

(303): View more from Colorado

thermos full of jaeger bombs?

(720): View more from Colorado

Affirmative

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(408): View more from California

My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.

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(224): View more from Illinois

We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can't find our DD

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.

(908): View more from New Jersey

This is why you are not allowed out in public.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF

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(720): View more from Colorado

I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue

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(914): View more from New York

I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue

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(319): View more from Iowa

She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What did he say?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!

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(641): View more from Iowa

Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.

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(419): View more from Ohio

So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

1. Thanks. 2. No.

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(818): View more from California

Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.

(818): View more from California

Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.

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(812): View more from Indiana

his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink

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(343): View more from Ontario

You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.

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(561): View more from Florida

It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?

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(315): View more from New York

Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry

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(501): View more from Arkansas

All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of

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(229): View more from Georgia

I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.

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(760): View more from California

Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go

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(916): View more from California

Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless

(209): View more from California

Sacramento doesn't deserve you

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(937): View more from Ohio

I chugged that bitch with a dip in.

(614): View more from Ohio

You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?

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(315): View more from New York

Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack

(1-315): View more from New York

This is why I love you...

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(226): View more from Ontario

You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"

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(562): View more from California

I bought something for you today. You'll love it.

(909): View more from California

What is it? Drugs?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?

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(330): View more from Ohio

i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?

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(408): View more from California

But college guys get to crossfade so there's that

(305): View more from Florida

No idea what that is

(408): View more from California

Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...

(305): View more from Florida

I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.

(952): View more from Minnesota

Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me

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(312): View more from Illinois

So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short

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(512): View more from Texas

The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.

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(310): View more from California

Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.

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(775): View more from Nevada

When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.

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(301): View more from Maryland

A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops

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(303): View more from Colorado

i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.

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(775): View more from Nevada

That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...

(856): View more from New Jersey

YOU ARE MY HERO

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(573): View more from Missouri

Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?

(816): View more from Missouri

Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I have a hunch Mama J got around.

(660): View more from Missouri

Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?

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(216): View more from Ohio

After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory

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(251): View more from Alabama

You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"

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(850): View more from Florida

Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.

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(227): View more from Maryland

Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.

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(916): View more from California

We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

15 is 15

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(440): View more from Ohio

The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore

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(917): View more from New York City

his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians

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(801): View more from Utah

Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.

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(469): View more from Texas

So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.

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(585): View more from New York

If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing

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(210): View more from Texas

Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.

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(801): View more from Utah

Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?

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(712): View more from Iowa

when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face

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(310): View more from California

I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.

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(214): View more from Texas

That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do

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(646): View more from New York

I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?

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(802): View more from Vermont

There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking

(1-802): View more from Vermont

Omg so it's educational?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion

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(925): View more from California

Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs

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(740): View more from Ohio

my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

He can pick locks you know

(919): View more from North Carolina

That's the reason for the naked stripper

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(516): View more from New York

Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting

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(615): View more from Tennessee

omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.

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(979): View more from Texas

It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.

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(619): View more from California

Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means

(651): View more from Minnesota

ITS ORAL SEX CAROL

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.

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(925): View more from California

I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.

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(702): View more from Nevada

we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night

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(941): View more from Florida

Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.

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(805): View more from California

Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants

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(520): View more from Arizona

Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?

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(510): View more from California

Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was

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(631): View more from New York

Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.

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(386): View more from Florida

Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow

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(915): View more from Texas

The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(330): View more from Ohio

MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'll be there in 20 with vodka.

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(647): View more from Ontario

btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.

(860): View more from Connecticut

I am not dying my bush blue.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Do u remember buying that

(732): View more from New Jersey

I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(469): View more from Texas

I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(636): View more from Missouri

His pubic hair was longer than his dick

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(281): View more from Texas

had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(208): View more from Idaho

I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(323): View more from California

I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.

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(907): View more from Alaska

So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(716): View more from New York

It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!

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(949): View more from California

I hate that we are older than the real world people now

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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(623): View more from Arizona

One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.

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(619): View more from California

Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.

(440): View more from Ohio

Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die

(1-616): View more from Michigan

that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida

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(607): View more from New York

I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

You were drinking Everclear weren't you?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"

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(586): View more from Michigan

The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."

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(913): View more from Kansas

Don't make emojis simulating eating me out

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(712): View more from Iowa

I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.

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(801): View more from Utah

You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.

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(708): View more from Illinois

it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i need some food

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I fill condoms, not promises.

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(406): View more from Montana

We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.

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(512): View more from Texas

well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My vag is like the Sahara

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Ew that's gross.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The sad truth. Barren and empty.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.

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(954): View more from Florida

I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.

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(503): View more from Oregon

jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.

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(650): View more from California

I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?

(831): View more from California

I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Does the room smell any better?

(859): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(773): View more from Illinois

And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

That's my new pick up line call me a polish name

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(210): View more from Texas

I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."

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(772): View more from Florida

He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina

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(289): View more from Ontario

I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.

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(817): View more from Texas

Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.

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(949): View more from California

i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.

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(903): View more from Texas

Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.

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(716): View more from New York

banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.

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(716): View more from New York

Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Moonshine marathon is never a good idea

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about

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(404): View more from Georgia

New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"

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(209): View more from California

I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help

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(303): View more from Colorado

His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

You mean maximum 5?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"

(501): View more from Arkansas

I'll start the recruiting

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY

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(404): View more from Georgia

Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

(507): View more from Minnesota

I can't wait to read your obituary.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.

(770): View more from Georgia

Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.

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(616): View more from Michigan

My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?

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(347): View more from New York

THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.

(218): View more from Minnesota

And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.

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(904): View more from Florida

But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?

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(714): View more from California

I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.

(256): View more from Alabama

They have marijuana tests too!

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(214): View more from Texas

I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.

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(425): View more from Washington

I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..

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(770): View more from Georgia

Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.

(404): View more from Georgia

Good luck

(770): View more from Georgia

Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.

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(970): View more from Colorado

my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,

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(773): View more from Illinois

my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?

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(623): View more from Arizona

It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station

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(425): View more from Washington

You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.

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(312): View more from Illinois

The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.

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(478): View more from Georgia

How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses

(770): View more from Georgia

We'll talk about it later...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.

(859): View more from Kentucky

The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.

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(+33): View more from France

If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?

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(573): View more from Missouri

I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.

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(720): View more from Colorado

We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.

(970): View more from Colorado

Oooh, he sounds pretty classy

(720): View more from Colorado

Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.

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(214): View more from Texas

Nothing says love like couples STD testing

(972): View more from Texas

Nothing says breakup like the results

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.

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(503): View more from Oregon

This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Finding that toy duck there was weird right?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...

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(305): View more from Florida

Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.

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(254): View more from Texas

STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(512): View more from Texas

You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick

(305): View more from Florida

I am very proud of your internet skills

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.

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(440): View more from Ohio

While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.

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(586): View more from Michigan

My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.

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(619): View more from California

How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes

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(206): View more from Washington

Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.

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