Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
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