I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
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In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
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