I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
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I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
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