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if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
If that was your dad, he is hot
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
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