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Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I cockslap morals
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I want her autograph on my taint
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
sarcasm needs its own font
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I hate your face
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
either way he was missing a nipple.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Even my vagina gasped.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
this boner is exhausting
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Someone shattered a urinal.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
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