Texts From Last Night

cincygirl25's Favorites Texts:

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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.

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  (812): You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard. http://tfl.nu/0j3h
  Replies (7) Good night (346) Bad night (51) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.

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  (928): You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today. http://tfl.nu/ne6p
  Replies (2) Good night (213) Bad night (56) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (78) Good night (29282) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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  (845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake. http://tfl.nu/r8rw
  Replies (4) Good night (4554) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

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  (914): I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements. http://tfl.nu/p1je
  Replies (8) Good night (982) Bad night (129) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

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  (847): I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never. http://tfl.nu/n83d
  Replies (13) Good night (1257) Bad night (184) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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  (954): Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency. http://tfl.nu/gvbc
  Replies (7) Good night (5445) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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  (773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt
  Replies (12) Good night (9116) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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  (780): We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!" http://tfl.nu/le50
  Replies (5) Good night (1967) Bad night (112) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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  (904): i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall http://tfl.nu/fpdq
  Replies (36) Good night (7929) Bad night (592)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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  (914): Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary. http://tfl.nu/8dm9
  Replies (44) Good night (5110) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeeah thank god

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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  (816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw
  Replies (54) Good night (1687) Bad night (14820)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.

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  (757): I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class. http://tfl.nu/buxk
  Replies (10) Good night (2111) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.

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  (334): seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before. http://tfl.nu/yzzl
  Replies (7) Good night (808) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

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  (651): I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen. http://tfl.nu/ant7
  Replies (8) Good night (1901) Bad night (188)
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  (696): View more from

  Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?

  (451): View more from

  Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes

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  (696): Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right? (451): Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes http://tfl.nu/39ll
  Replies (7) Good night (1635) Bad night (151)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon

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  (202): When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle. (202): We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon http://tfl.nu/62rc
  Replies (6) Good night (1076) Bad night (212)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...

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  (443): I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket... http://tfl.nu/7x9r
  Replies (4) Good night (1030) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (246) Good night (64502) Bad night (2455) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons

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  (917): You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons http://tfl.nu/5vf8
  Replies (3) Good night (874) Bad night (202) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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  (907): This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/qu4g
  Replies (3) Good night (2967) Bad night (211) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Where the royal fuck are you??

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  The depths of vodka hell.

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  (425): Where the royal fuck are you?? (1-425): The depths of vodka hell. http://tfl.nu/wloy
  Replies (13) Good night (1702) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions

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  (912): Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions http://tfl.nu/6v32
  Replies (3) Good night (1131) Bad night (303) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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  (443): booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again http://tfl.nu/1mb1
  Replies (13) Good night (5701) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.

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  (626): I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses. http://tfl.nu/ogb0
  Replies (2) Good night (845) Bad night (220)
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  (510): View more from California

  This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

  (925): View more from California

  Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

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  (510): This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over? (925): Quite the smooth talker. There in 5. http://tfl.nu/ccg0
  Replies (7) Good night (2580) Bad night (203)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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  (678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning? (770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle http://tfl.nu/6kcj
  Replies (32) Good night (3142) Bad night (299)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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  (608): and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM" http://tfl.nu/3pco
  Replies (26) Good night (1409) Bad night (7077) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Make me a sandwich

  (301): View more from Maryland

  The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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  (845): Make me a sandwich (301): The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/al2a
  Replies (26) Good night (5292) Bad night (281)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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  (513): We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit. http://tfl.nu/qhz6
  Replies (2) Good night (1647) Bad night (226) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"

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  (212): all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???" http://tfl.nu/w522
  Replies (8) Good night (991) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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  (480): In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.." http://tfl.nu/m3fa
  Replies (6) Good night (2404) Bad night (292) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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  (313): I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me (1-313): restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch http://tfl.nu/60qu
  Replies (10) Good night (543) Bad night (1563)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

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  (901): Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing. http://tfl.nu/fm4c
  Replies (3) Good night (797) Bad night (224)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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  (919): I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle" http://tfl.nu/r7nr
  Replies (6) Good night (3222) Bad night (321) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.

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  (254): Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor. http://tfl.nu/w3ms
  Replies (8) Good night (1339) Bad night (230) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.

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  (719): I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone. http://tfl.nu/u0bu
  Replies (4) Good night (1134) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.

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  (704): Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma. http://tfl.nu/71da
  Replies (5) Good night (1015) Bad night (236)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.

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  (734): he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur. http://tfl.nu/43r1
  Replies (6) Good night (896) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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  (804): time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever http://tfl.nu/4zua
  Replies (6) Good night (1120) Bad night (311)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover

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  (734): I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover http://tfl.nu/93w3
  Replies (1) Good night (917) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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  (616): Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier http://tfl.nu/md1b
  Replies (2) Good night (1710) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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  (864): I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out. http://tfl.nu/hn3q
  Replies (3) Good night (1511) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up

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  (903): Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up http://tfl.nu/zu39
  Replies (5) Good night (886) Bad night (270)
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  (518): View more from New York

  I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.

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  (518): I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed. http://tfl.nu/jame
  Replies (0) Good night (266) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aren't they always?

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  (610): My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit" (1-610): Aren't they always? http://tfl.nu/6oqg
  Replies (1) Good night (1267) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore

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  (509): Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore http://tfl.nu/a1lx
  Replies (11) Good night (902) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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  (904): I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded http://tfl.nu/240k
  Replies (8) Good night (4792) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it

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  (802): you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it http://tfl.nu/ykku
  Replies (27) Good night (3149) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  are you high?

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  (402): what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers (1-402): are you high? http://tfl.nu/fjf1
  Replies (36) Good night (11700) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Rock

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Scissors

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Fuck

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  (847): Rock (630): Scissors (630): Fuck http://tfl.nu/tdxv
  Replies (14) Good night (2019) Bad night (423)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
  Replies (385) Good night (39830) Bad night (3547)
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

  (1-916): View more from California

  Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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  (916): I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat. (1-916): Can we laminate it? Just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/1wiq
  Replies (4) Good night (2184) Bad night (257)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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  (406): As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network. http://tfl.nu/cww0
  Replies (19) Good night (5039) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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  (281): what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish? http://tfl.nu/s2pv
  Replies (41) Good night (4975) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

  (616): View more from Michigan

  What?!?

  (810): View more from Michigan

  What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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  (810): Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police (616): What?!? (810): What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police http://tfl.nu/unre
  Replies (20) Good night (4209) Bad night (474)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

  (410): View more from Maryland

  so basically your not goin out tonight?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  who said that?

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  (301): dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow (410): so basically your not goin out tonight? (301): who said that? http://tfl.nu/qimw
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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  (662): He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv. http://tfl.nu/kqij
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping

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  (224): you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping http://tfl.nu/igay
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

  (1-318): View more from Louisiana

  Stop giving me tequila.

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  (318): After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do. (1-318): Stop giving me tequila. http://tfl.nu/y3ru
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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  (616): At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head http://tfl.nu/if7o
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

  (239): View more from Florida

  I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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  (724): I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED" (239): I am the fairy godmother of the drink. http://tfl.nu/ryur
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

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  (512): I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position (1-512): I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed. http://tfl.nu/u3vm
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  ....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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  (204): when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this? (1-204): ....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best http://tfl.nu/o3b5
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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  (814): Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade. http://tfl.nu/7055
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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  (978): i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party http://tfl.nu/osnp
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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  (606): I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening." http://tfl.nu/f5c0
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.

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  (812): I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand. http://tfl.nu/31me
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  (716): View more from New York

  i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.

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  (716): i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby. http://tfl.nu/gnwv
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Why does tequilla always make you text me?

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  (301): You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate. (240): Why does tequilla always make you text me? http://tfl.nu/qeax
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."

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  (301): They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up." http://tfl.nu/f0g8
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  (559): View more from California

  I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.

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  (559): I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives. http://tfl.nu/x41u
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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  (+61): Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on. http://tfl.nu/q17g
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples

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  (401): Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples http://tfl.nu/s1gx
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.

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  (773): Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices. http://tfl.nu/v05l
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  (607): View more from New York

  I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

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  (607): I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better. http://tfl.nu/5tpe
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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  (484): I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive. http://tfl.nu/gosk
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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  (815): Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship http://tfl.nu/xkl4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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  (202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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  (931): Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this. http://tfl.nu/inch
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.

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  (412): After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me. http://tfl.nu/f4ue
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  "Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Haha how much did you smoke

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  4 feet of smokeee!

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  (570): "Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another? (609): Haha how much did you smoke (570): 4 feet of smokeee! http://tfl.nu/eyp0
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (909): View more from California

  The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

  (1-909): View more from California

  3?

  (909): View more from California

  Me, myself and I

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  (909): The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking. (1-909): 3? (909): Me, myself and I http://tfl.nu/gl4k
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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  (317): Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now? http://tfl.nu/j3p5
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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  (402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce (1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE. http://tfl.nu/loe7
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Just make sure my intervention has a theme...

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  (256): Just make sure my intervention has a theme... http://tfl.nu/wrxo
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

  (571): View more from Virginia

  just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

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  (571): Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night. (571): just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom http://tfl.nu/0d08
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.

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  (509): Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself. http://tfl.nu/tjqn
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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  (360): You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/13cn
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.

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  (520): I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night. http://tfl.nu/u2a7
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Home?

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  (407): Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus? (912): Home? http://tfl.nu/7r1y
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  (559): View more from California

  Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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  (559): Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE http://tfl.nu/d6tf
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  (916): View more from California

  i think i have herpe

  (1-916): View more from California

  just one?

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  (916): i think i have herpe (1-916): just one? http://tfl.nu/e1l6
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.

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  (806): Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes. http://tfl.nu/kfeu
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.

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  (206): You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship. http://tfl.nu/k0v9
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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  (204): Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus http://tfl.nu/ux11
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny

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  (513): I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny http://tfl.nu/yacg
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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  (773): You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING (1-773): Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time http://tfl.nu/yjp9
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  (631): View more from New York

  Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

  (516): View more from New York

  lol... you weighed it?

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  (631): Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night? (516): lol... you weighed it? http://tfl.nu/fdcm
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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  (701): nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information (1-701): walking out with herpes. that would be worse http://tfl.nu/edgz
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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  (847): Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight? (262): Do you want cuervo gold or silver? http://tfl.nu/7twk
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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  (603): Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now? http://tfl.nu/rq4w
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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  (865): Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris" http://tfl.nu/5ny6
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  (713): View more from Texas

  We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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  (713): We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning. http://tfl.nu/f21r
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it

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  (484): somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it http://tfl.nu/giry
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  Ok let me change into clothes i can run in

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  (586): you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer (1-586): Ok let me change into clothes i can run in http://tfl.nu/bmel
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.

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  (636): Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us. http://tfl.nu/w51y
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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  (715): Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol. http://tfl.nu/cvdz
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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  (513): Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done? http://tfl.nu/t5qr
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
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  (310): View more from California

  Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

  (818): View more from California

  No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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  (310): Can we just ponder our lives for a second. (818): No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles. http://tfl.nu/vtnc
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  (682): View more from Texas

  I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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  (682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.

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  (912): Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio. http://tfl.nu/wkrp
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.

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  (567): For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts. http://tfl.nu/swyw
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  (253): View more from Washington

  If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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  (253): If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life. http://tfl.nu/jc0t
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  i dont think thats healthy man...

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  (970): im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful. (303): i dont think thats healthy man... http://tfl.nu/vurl
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  (518): View more from New York

  Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can't be the first without the last

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  (518): Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics? (978): Can't be the first without the last http://tfl.nu/ya96
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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  (832): You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you" http://tfl.nu/nnn7
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.

  (1-757): View more from Virginia

  It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.

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  (757): Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week. (1-757): It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell. http://tfl.nu/5ztt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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  (814): I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos. http://tfl.nu/dk8h
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

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  (202): There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again. http://tfl.nu/5erg
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  (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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  (949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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  (205): Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes. http://tfl.nu/ntyj
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  (510): View more from California

  Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.

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  (510): Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals. http://tfl.nu/vphu
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.

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  (704): Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks. http://tfl.nu/2r5q
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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  (319): I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him. http://tfl.nu/0zto
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

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  (989): TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND http://tfl.nu/73d2
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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  (412): Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out. http://tfl.nu/chur
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

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  (785): I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag http://tfl.nu/283w
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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  (717): well in DOG beers, i've only had one http://tfl.nu/2mnf
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over

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  (203): If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over http://tfl.nu/x0ne
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.

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  (810): my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities. http://tfl.nu/947a
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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  (770): good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed. http://tfl.nu/g7ri
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

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  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
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  (347): View more from New York

  He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.

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  (347): He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka. http://tfl.nu/57bc
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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  (214): Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more. http://tfl.nu/1w8z
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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  (989): i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway. http://tfl.nu/zfm5
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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  (509): Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape. http://tfl.nu/qdov
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  So basically you were a dog.

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  (860): This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground. (802): So basically you were a dog. http://tfl.nu/0n1s
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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  (204): New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us. http://tfl.nu/chty
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  (716): View more from New York

  Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.

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  (716): Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan. http://tfl.nu/rfh9
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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  (352): Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman. http://tfl.nu/vqgs
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.

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  (407): Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost. http://tfl.nu/odd1
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.

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  (479): Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep. http://tfl.nu/7jgb
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day

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  (970): You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day http://tfl.nu/to93
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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  (248): They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends. http://tfl.nu/ovl3
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.

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  (405): I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/on2x
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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  (816): You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do. http://tfl.nu/w9t3
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks

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  (910): I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks http://tfl.nu/c5hi
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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  (806): I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit. http://tfl.nu/a0hw
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour

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  (859): will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour http://tfl.nu/165f
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  (214): View more from Texas

  The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.

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  (214): The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to. http://tfl.nu/ot3b
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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  (484): so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey. http://tfl.nu/h1y9
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  (310): View more from California

  My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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  (310): My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope... http://tfl.nu/89fe
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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  (256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".

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  (815): Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime". http://tfl.nu/6eu2
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.

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  (215): At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware. http://tfl.nu/07cm
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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  (785): whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick http://tfl.nu/3xlh
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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  (613): Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi. http://tfl.nu/hd9g
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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  (217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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  (570): Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it. http://tfl.nu/ahvg
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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  (705): and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good. http://tfl.nu/bblv
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  (518): View more from New York

  Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

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  (518): Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip. http://tfl.nu/y6yl
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Less talking, more tequila

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  (708): Less talking, more tequila http://tfl.nu/d67d
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

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  (580): I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever! http://tfl.nu/u7rz
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.

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  (860): its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party. http://tfl.nu/bik1
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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  (856): 12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong. (856): Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits http://tfl.nu/ncaq
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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  (541): We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault http://tfl.nu/ovjn
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.

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  (920): Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit. http://tfl.nu/du3n
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.

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  (503): We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status. http://tfl.nu/0tgg
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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  (978): I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon http://tfl.nu/xy8w
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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  (734): I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady. http://tfl.nu/nlis
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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  (618): Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout. http://tfl.nu/q2nt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box

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  (704): Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box http://tfl.nu/xete
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  (518): View more from New York

  i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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  (518): i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock http://tfl.nu/9mlf
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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  (908): I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level http://tfl.nu/uegr
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

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  (407): i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point http://tfl.nu/9yf5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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  (732): I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time. http://tfl.nu/5sl5
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  (863): View more from Florida

  Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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  (863): Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all. http://tfl.nu/glyl
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  (530): View more from California

  she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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  (530): she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new. http://tfl.nu/z10i
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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  (705): The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?" http://tfl.nu/11uf
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune

  (1-318): View more from Louisiana

  what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??

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  (318): dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune (1-318): what drug did you take to come to that conclusion?? http://tfl.nu/bym5
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't even know what potassium is.

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  (571): You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember? (703): I don't even know what potassium is. http://tfl.nu/wfp6
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  (760): View more from California

  so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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  (760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig. http://tfl.nu/u35s
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes

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  (908): But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes http://tfl.nu/c86w
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule

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  (250): And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule http://tfl.nu/gp5a
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.

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  (208): i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home. http://tfl.nu/7itp
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.

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  (613): You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best. http://tfl.nu/snhs
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  (727): View more from Florida

  My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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  (727): My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out. http://tfl.nu/gjqc
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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  (281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
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  (310): View more from California

  please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

  (1-310): View more from California

  negative

  (310): View more from California

  come find me please

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  (310): please tell me if i'm home and in my bed (1-310): negative (310): come find me please http://tfl.nu/3ca4
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

  (940): View more from Texas

  homeless.

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  (717): gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy? (940): homeless. http://tfl.nu/iz6y
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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  (908): where's my purse there's an important taco in it http://tfl.nu/d9zq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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  (617): They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka http://tfl.nu/47bx
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!

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  (615): Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget! http://tfl.nu/i6kv
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  batman just walked across the sidewalk

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  lay off the drugs

  (630): View more from Illinois

  no for real he was wearing a cape

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  (630): batman just walked across the sidewalk (1-630): lay off the drugs (630): no for real he was wearing a cape http://tfl.nu/eo01
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  (+54): View more from

  look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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  (+54): look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels. http://tfl.nu/ux1z
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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  (248): today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much http://tfl.nu/3dmn
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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  (843): Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17. http://tfl.nu/5ely
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.

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  (617): I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch. http://tfl.nu/yicm
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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  (412): Why are there maracas in the dishwasher? http://tfl.nu/o2j7
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  (631): View more from New York

  I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't want you to recite the pledge!

  (631): View more from New York

  Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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  (631): I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge. (401): I don't want you to recite the pledge! (631): Pledge alligien to america to united states of america http://tfl.nu/s7dx
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.

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  (630): I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore. http://tfl.nu/o0ab
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  (714): View more from California

  I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

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  (714): I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality. http://tfl.nu/yabq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.

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  (303): The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period. http://tfl.nu/nrl7
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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  (913): He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka. http://tfl.nu/p6nb
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  (310): View more from California

  i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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  (310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over. http://tfl.nu/nwsy
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  (786): View more from Florida

  If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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  (786): If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up http://tfl.nu/h8cl
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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  (919): you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt. http://tfl.nu/2jv4
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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  (217): Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship. http://tfl.nu/eyj6
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.

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  (910): I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling. http://tfl.nu/sj19
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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  (913): Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun. http://tfl.nu/h48x
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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  (402): You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes. http://tfl.nu/0q3l
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  (253): View more from Washington

  so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

  (253): View more from Washington

  no more ever clear

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  (253): so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning (1-253): because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha' (253): no more ever clear http://tfl.nu/f9lp
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

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  (580): That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything. http://tfl.nu/fbvq
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

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  (614): This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old. http://tfl.nu/nedp
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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  (806): You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. http://tfl.nu/i4sd
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
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  (951): View more from California

  Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants

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  (951): Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants http://tfl.nu/uwlg
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  (786): View more from Florida

  I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.

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  (786): I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me. http://tfl.nu/ua0x
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  (315): View more from New York

  I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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  (315): I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit http://tfl.nu/ybzi
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

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  (815): Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are. http://tfl.nu/ve28
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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  (978): Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween http://tfl.nu/fww2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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  (703): I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver. http://tfl.nu/n7jh
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  How's work?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Spinning.

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  (508): How's work? (978): Spinning. http://tfl.nu/6xgd
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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  (617): WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL? http://tfl.nu/2onf
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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  (319): In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums. http://tfl.nu/weac
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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  (501): we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american" http://tfl.nu/1xh1
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  (315): View more from New York

  My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

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  (315): My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning http://tfl.nu/4o81
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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  (413): I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM... http://tfl.nu/mwn4
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.

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  (902): FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk. http://tfl.nu/vuiq
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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  (780): He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again. http://tfl.nu/j7t8
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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  (506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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  (586): I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business. http://tfl.nu/ppsa
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  (310): View more from California

  Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.

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  (310): Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist. http://tfl.nu/cj2p
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.

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  (847): I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july. http://tfl.nu/a19z
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

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  (401): The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach http://tfl.nu/jjm1
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.

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  (201): It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you. http://tfl.nu/kclk
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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  (818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever. http://tfl.nu/1b0y
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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  (216): i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey" http://tfl.nu/8m25
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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  (605): you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out? http://tfl.nu/fgrz
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.

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  (908): My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar. http://tfl.nu/kqtr
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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  (303): Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face. http://tfl.nu/aa6s
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  (206): View more from Washington

  It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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  (206): It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to http://tfl.nu/3nm2
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We call that spaghetti Os

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  (207): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it (617): We call that spaghetti Os http://tfl.nu/dgrn
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt

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  (503): you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt http://tfl.nu/y7uz
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.

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  (210): I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom. http://tfl.nu/a1h2
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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  (660): We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out http://tfl.nu/p80s
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  (707): View more from California

  frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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  (707): frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it. http://tfl.nu/00co
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.

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  (973): I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like. http://tfl.nu/4kjo
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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  (604): I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey. http://tfl.nu/1r0k
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  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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  (978): I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now. http://tfl.nu/xddc
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  (415): View more from California

  You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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  (415): You kept trying to hail an ambulance http://tfl.nu/adc4
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  (818): View more from California

  I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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  (818): I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot. http://tfl.nu/6tih
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  (315): View more from New York

  careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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  (315): careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there.... http://tfl.nu/ypb5
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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  (517): i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend http://tfl.nu/by4o
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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  (281): Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"? http://tfl.nu/nflv
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  (845): View more from New York

  i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

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  (845): i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out http://tfl.nu/p8nx
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...

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  (715): i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend... http://tfl.nu/erib
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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  (330): Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry. http://tfl.nu/4osi
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

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  (713): I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes http://tfl.nu/wjig
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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  (712): i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat. http://tfl.nu/sn6a
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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  (412): This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun. http://tfl.nu/9a4x
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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  (803): life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin. http://tfl.nu/2cdm
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

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  (608): i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful http://tfl.nu/3xv5
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd

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  (815): The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd http://tfl.nu/v8gr
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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  (615): Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again. http://tfl.nu/rwfi
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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  (469): I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs. http://tfl.nu/36r0
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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  (330): I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam! (1-330): is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar? http://tfl.nu/c4pf
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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  (847): This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword. http://tfl.nu/au8n
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  (315): View more from New York

  I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.

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  (315): I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine. http://tfl.nu/wyxo
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.

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  (616): You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races. http://tfl.nu/trt2
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough

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  (514): btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough http://tfl.nu/7sph
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  (254): View more from Texas

  In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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  (254): In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/fy1k
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.

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  (479): They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless. http://tfl.nu/hmfp
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.

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  (570): Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal. http://tfl.nu/4lbo
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  (949): View more from California

  Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

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  (949): Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk? http://tfl.nu/zd5j
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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  (773): Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up. http://tfl.nu/ll85
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  (585): View more from New York

  its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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  (585): its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck http://tfl.nu/jjii
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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  (817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc
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  (323): View more from California

  Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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  (323): Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy. http://tfl.nu/58l0
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  (516): View more from New York

  making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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  (516): making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage" http://tfl.nu/jy1p
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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  (706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods http://tfl.nu/a68f
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools

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  (757): i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools http://tfl.nu/dqol
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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  (785): I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call. http://tfl.nu/1vmr
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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  (603): i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking http://tfl.nu/kntc
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  (727): View more from Florida

  These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

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  (727): These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular. http://tfl.nu/78s0
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  (530): View more from California

  Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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  (530): Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober' http://tfl.nu/1n5d
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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  (774): In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES. http://tfl.nu/idd1
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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  (307): I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen. http://tfl.nu/qqp8
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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  (613): You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one http://tfl.nu/l60l
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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  (405): You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up. http://tfl.nu/06n7
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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  (202): I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out. http://tfl.nu/ga8t
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  (817): View more from Texas

  All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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  (817): All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning http://tfl.nu/qcnv
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..

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  (606): Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley.. http://tfl.nu/q4d8
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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  (402): He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him. http://tfl.nu/b1lr
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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  (425): It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down. http://tfl.nu/xg1z
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.

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  (540): we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate. http://tfl.nu/t1ac
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  (214): View more from Texas

  decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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  (214): decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!? http://tfl.nu/ozc5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.

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  (630): it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up. http://tfl.nu/l5tu
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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  (425): Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older. http://tfl.nu/u48g
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  (925): View more from California

  don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

  (510): View more from California

  big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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  (925): don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement (510): big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault. http://tfl.nu/lnx0
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

  (847): View more from Illinois

  And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

  (319): View more from Iowa

  At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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  (319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes (847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me. (319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements. http://tfl.nu/k3x0
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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  (856): there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread. http://tfl.nu/6f5w
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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  (262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a
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  (607): View more from New York

  We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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  (607): We can grow old together and our livers can fail together http://tfl.nu/ku07
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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  (814): Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh. http://tfl.nu/s2cz
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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  (248): I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together. http://tfl.nu/x99f
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  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

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  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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  (617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner. http://tfl.nu/g7ai
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  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

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  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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  (440): As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season. http://tfl.nu/uyun
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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  (336): That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on! http://tfl.nu/2bv6
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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  (253): Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style. http://tfl.nu/lnre
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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  (970): There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun http://tfl.nu/5s8r
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  (914): View more from New York

  last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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  (914): last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever. http://tfl.nu/26l9
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

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  (218): No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus http://tfl.nu/il4r
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  (323): View more from California

  I'm being pulled over???

  (520): View more from Arizona

  For what!?!?!

  (323): View more from California

  ??? I'm in a cab!!!!!

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  (323): I'm being pulled over??? (520): For what!?!?! (323): ??? I'm in a cab!!!!! http://tfl.nu/d19c
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.

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  (908): there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo. http://tfl.nu/6eag
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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  (815): We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad. http://tfl.nu/wyhj
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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  (414): and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you. http://tfl.nu/lmfo
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere

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  (301): Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere http://tfl.nu/ptau
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.

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  (410): we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us. http://tfl.nu/tnpc
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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  (504): I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES. http://tfl.nu/2zjv
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

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  (708): We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan. http://tfl.nu/28ik
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.

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  (615): all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia. http://tfl.nu/zayo
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.

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  (305): I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry. http://tfl.nu/el5m
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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  (917): He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm. http://tfl.nu/al4b
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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  (206): I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/v4ue
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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  (302): I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good. http://tfl.nu/sjs5
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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  (229): Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night. http://tfl.nu/4bxb
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.

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  (219): I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window. http://tfl.nu/kuhj
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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  (917): Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something http://tfl.nu/o4s2
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  (845): View more from New York

  alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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  (845): alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization. http://tfl.nu/1m6d
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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  (321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along. http://tfl.nu/x1z0
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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  (865): She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit". http://tfl.nu/1ezf
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (954): View more from Florida

  so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop

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  (954): so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop http://tfl.nu/k9k3
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.

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  (540): It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic. http://tfl.nu/37md
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  (386): View more from Florida

  i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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  (386): i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena http://tfl.nu/u4d0
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.

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  (706): Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour. http://tfl.nu/wtdj
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  (904): View more from Florida

  bring the vodka.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

  (904): View more from Florida

  we are.

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  (904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

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  (778): You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it http://tfl.nu/gf74
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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  (902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. http://tfl.nu/e2jp
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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  (612): you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier http://tfl.nu/qh8d
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.

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  (484): I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition. http://tfl.nu/zjox
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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  (206): You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack.. http://tfl.nu/nf69
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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  (541): If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs? http://tfl.nu/k19f
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday

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  (203): franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday http://tfl.nu/o3qe
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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  (816): She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit? http://tfl.nu/kt2r
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  (516): View more from New York

  Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

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  (516): Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand. http://tfl.nu/xjsp
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  (310): View more from California

  as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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  (310): as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!' http://tfl.nu/csk1
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

  (703): View more from Virginia

  and miss being on the news....no way

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  (571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave (703): and miss being on the news....no way http://tfl.nu/gtrx
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  (650): View more from California

  the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

  (1-650): View more from California

  dude, it's 2 am.

  (650): View more from California

  but its COMING

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  (650): the ice cream truck is coming omgomg (1-650): dude, it's 2 am. (650): but its COMING http://tfl.nu/8z5r
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Yes.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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  (612): You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!! (763): Yes. (612): fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria http://tfl.nu/wx8p
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  (772): View more from Florida

  you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

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  (772): you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted http://tfl.nu/vebg
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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  (215): he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal http://tfl.nu/oaxp
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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  (310): I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila. http://tfl.nu/yi5v
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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  (484): we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song. http://tfl.nu/huqy
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.

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  (202): Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now. http://tfl.nu/6prd
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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  (773): you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE" http://tfl.nu/hmmg
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  (716): View more from New York

  found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college

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  (716): found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college http://tfl.nu/aqwa
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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  (405): Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us http://tfl.nu/zowi
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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  (208): Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly. http://tfl.nu/sulv
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
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  (916): View more from California

  on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

  (1-916): View more from California

  your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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  (916): on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day. (1-916): your optimism is becoming unhealthy http://tfl.nu/nzqt
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  (516): View more from New York

  i have one question about last night

  (646): View more from New York

  if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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  (516): i have one question about last night (646): if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain http://tfl.nu/69sr
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.

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  (267): I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe. http://tfl.nu/k42a
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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  (503): Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today http://tfl.nu/xs2q
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

  (313): View more from Michigan

  He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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  (313): I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot (313): He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all http://tfl.nu/6st3
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  youre welcome

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  (201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.." (1-201): youre welcome http://tfl.nu/sjha
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  (914): View more from New York

  Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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  (914): Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it http://tfl.nu/0jmm
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  this just has baby written all over it

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  (859): this just has baby written all over it http://tfl.nu/ltui
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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  (210): Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO. http://tfl.nu/ip2n
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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  (705): APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk... http://tfl.nu/biv4
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  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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  (908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie
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  (619): View more from California

  I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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  (619): I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning. http://tfl.nu/8wyf
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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  (306): Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night http://tfl.nu/jc2t
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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  (610): Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted http://tfl.nu/q55a
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  (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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  (631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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  (214): You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters. http://tfl.nu/nfga
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

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  (312): If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab. http://tfl.nu/3osp
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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  (785): he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense http://tfl.nu/p2yr
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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  (780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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  (704): someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation http://tfl.nu/fra5
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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  (405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it. (1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. " http://tfl.nu/mvrv
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  what drugs are you on?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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  (404): I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles! (1-404): what drugs are you on? (404): none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later http://tfl.nu/mtfu
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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  (847): I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking. http://tfl.nu/ou65
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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  (410): There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you. http://tfl.nu/a558
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  (315): View more from New York

  can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...

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  (315): can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits... http://tfl.nu/8lcs
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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  (203): You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/n1s3
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i dont know what to do

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  with your life?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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  (732): i dont know what to do (1-732): with your life? (732): no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3 http://tfl.nu/i8yp
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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  (732): all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time (1-732): swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph http://tfl.nu/tobf
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  (+33): View more from France

  On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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  (+33): On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..." http://tfl.nu/o65f
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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  (281): I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve. http://tfl.nu/asc9
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  How has he not realized you're pregnant?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Spanx.

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  (973): How has he not realized you're pregnant? (201): Spanx. http://tfl.nu/ts9v
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  (650): View more from California

  There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

  (650): View more from California

  I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

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  (650): There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide. (650): I tried to assassinate the ginger baby http://tfl.nu/c72u
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

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  (202): all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons http://tfl.nu/n087
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.

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  (713): I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke. http://tfl.nu/gwfs
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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  (773): I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader. http://tfl.nu/8khu
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  (813): View more from Florida

  The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

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  (813): The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you" http://tfl.nu/44qj
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  (818): View more from California

  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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  (702): I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad. http://tfl.nu/4uh2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  how else could I explain the last few years

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  (703): I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills (262): how else could I explain the last few years http://tfl.nu/wfh1
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

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  (740): Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night http://tfl.nu/r09y
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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  (720): You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive. http://tfl.nu/qvhh
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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  (859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through. http://tfl.nu/bvv7
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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  (806): Jesus knows you're telling a lie. (832): Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup http://tfl.nu/yiz0
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  tequila makes me forget i have legs

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  (250): tequila makes me forget i have legs http://tfl.nu/9rzk
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.

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  (401): I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on. http://tfl.nu/shul
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  (831): View more from California

  So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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  (831): So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me... http://tfl.nu/3wpt
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

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  (952): So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome http://tfl.nu/t5m3
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  (972): View more from Texas

  They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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  (972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?

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  (901): How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games? http://tfl.nu/94zu
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.

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  (313): I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays. http://tfl.nu/hsxj
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

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  (708): Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic http://tfl.nu/vj27
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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  (913): Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go. http://tfl.nu/47sp
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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  (773): Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman? http://tfl.nu/4514
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.

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  (402): Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat. http://tfl.nu/e56w
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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  (208): aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it. http://tfl.nu/sbum
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  (386): View more from Florida

  You going to midnight mass? we need a dd

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  (386): You going to midnight mass? we need a dd http://tfl.nu/65xe
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

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  (301): Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning. http://tfl.nu/0np0
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.

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  (717): can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill. http://tfl.nu/zd59
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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  (480): You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone http://tfl.nu/wd7b
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!

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  (317): My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA! http://tfl.nu/e6nv
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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  (641): I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting. http://tfl.nu/pz3u
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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  (616): who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss http://tfl.nu/d23g
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

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  (218): time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink. http://tfl.nu/47ui
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.

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  (314): chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame. http://tfl.nu/lek8
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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  (609): you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off. http://tfl.nu/5lgs
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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  (205): I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo http://tfl.nu/nrq4
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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  (513): sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces. http://tfl.nu/5w4e
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  (512): View more from Texas

  last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.

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  (512): last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all. http://tfl.nu/2zyx
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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  (905): No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags http://tfl.nu/jbrv
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I had another sleeping on concrete incident.

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  (609): I had another sleeping on concrete incident. http://tfl.nu/nctv
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww

  (1-613): View more from Ontario

  no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call

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  (613): Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww (1-613): no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call http://tfl.nu/pane
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.

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  (314): totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came. http://tfl.nu/jfvh
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just realized these events may be related.

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  (352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window. (352): Just realized these events may be related. http://tfl.nu/i6sd
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  What will that accomplish?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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  (602): We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. (480): What will that accomplish? (602): It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. http://tfl.nu/n4ns
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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  (706): That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night. http://tfl.nu/8vqf
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  (813): View more from Florida

  She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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  (813): She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus. http://tfl.nu/fd89
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?

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  (817): I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf? http://tfl.nu/ht45
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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  (314): My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned" http://tfl.nu/aoz0
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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  (416): He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/3lsk
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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  (360): He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one. http://tfl.nu/lrzn
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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  (717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell. (410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks. http://tfl.nu/xm4l
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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  (717): Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision. http://tfl.nu/qwmb
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more

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  (814): To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more http://tfl.nu/cvqr
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.

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  (864): Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint. http://tfl.nu/at98
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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  (440): Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks http://tfl.nu/nonu
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  What!?!?! How are you txting?!

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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  (775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you. (1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?! (775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/1ioc
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Don't you send me to vm

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  (248): Don't you send me to vm http://tfl.nu/tac7
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  (619): View more from California

  Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

  (1-619): View more from California

  i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

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  (619): Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning. (1-619): i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth! http://tfl.nu/6amj
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.

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  (802): I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase. http://tfl.nu/kajo
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