Texts From Last Night · cincygirl25's Favorites

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.

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(212): View more from New York

be right there i have to get my cape

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(425): View more from Washington

I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"

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(914): View more from New York

Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out

(914): View more from New York

He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off

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(908): View more from New Jersey

There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.

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(716): View more from New York

You're about wine.

(585): View more from New York

Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."

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(616): View more from Michigan

The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was so scary.

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(216): View more from Ohio

facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups

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(440): View more from Ohio

I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

No idea. I blame fireball.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Valid.

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(+61): View more from Australia

So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens

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(440): View more from Ohio

You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?

(330): View more from Ohio

Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

new district manager is here. you need to come in early

(630): View more from Illinois

5th mimosa says otherwise

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(626): View more from California

Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Of course I have a pirate flag

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"

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(256): View more from Alabama

I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(718): View more from New York

You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No piss test, hell yeah

(248): View more from Michigan

FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.

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(315): View more from New York

It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.

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(703): View more from Virginia

WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'

(661): View more from California

The cougar kind?

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(404): View more from Georgia

No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka

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(647): View more from Ontario

Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.

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(386): View more from Florida

Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.

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(408): View more from California

if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."

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(936): View more from Texas

We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.

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(315): View more from New York

So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"

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(248): View more from Michigan

On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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(314): View more from Missouri

struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.

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(805): View more from California

Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How was the picnic?

(516): View more from New York

We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.

(413): View more from Massachusetts

Why didn't you put them down?

(516): View more from New York

No beer left behind.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?

(224): View more from Illinois

50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(269): View more from Michigan

1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

(269): View more from Michigan

7) Noodle arms: engage

(269): View more from Michigan

The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

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(773): View more from Illinois

who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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(813): View more from Florida

It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He's the conductor of the struggle bus

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS

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(517): View more from Michigan

Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?

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(655): View more from

Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(512): View more from Texas

"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.

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(214): View more from Texas

I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.

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(914): View more from New York

So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.

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(530): View more from California

I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.

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(925): View more from California

We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"

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(850): View more from Florida

He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hey I found a cat!

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth

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(334): View more from Alabama

FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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(519): View more from Ontario

People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him

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(916): View more from California

you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"

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(561): View more from Florida

So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.

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(734): View more from Michigan

This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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(813): View more from Florida

Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?

(813): View more from Florida

Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Stop reading WebMD high.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.

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(616): View more from Michigan

this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

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(213): View more from California

Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

(201): View more from New Jersey

... and if i was..

(213): View more from California

Fuck. You.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Any good?

(515): View more from Iowa

Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point

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(301): View more from Maryland

Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.

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(315): View more from New York

The second I see you we're shot gunning beers

(1-315): View more from New York

It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning

(315): View more from New York

And your point is?

(1-315): View more from New York

Marry me

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(313): View more from Michigan

I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs

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(585): View more from New York

Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride

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(519): View more from Ontario

we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

(226): View more from Ontario

did I at least say anything...

(519): View more from Ontario

you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

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(815): View more from Illinois

Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

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(850): View more from Florida

You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.

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(210): View more from Texas

We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".

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(678): View more from Georgia

You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm a corrupt cop.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.

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(206): View more from Washington

Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.

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(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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(847): View more from Illinois

The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.

(312): View more from Illinois

Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE

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(770): View more from Georgia

Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.

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(512): View more from Texas

They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

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(425): View more from Washington

The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.

(541): View more from Oregon

Mole people?

(425): View more from Washington

Mole people

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.

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(207): View more from Maine

So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right

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(785): View more from Kansas

My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real

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(206): View more from Washington

I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(607): View more from New York

you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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(708): View more from Illinois

Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.

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(817): View more from Texas

I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef

(240): View more from Maryland

Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is the exact response I was looking for.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

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(410): View more from Maryland

You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(469): View more from Texas

HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

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(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

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(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

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(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

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(407): View more from Florida

While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

That is a hangover

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I would prefer a headache

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(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed

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(507): View more from Minnesota

He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.

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(913): View more from Kansas

This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity

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(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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(281): View more from Texas

Dinner?

(713): View more from Texas

YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'

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(503): View more from Oregon

I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

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(513): View more from Ohio

Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.

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(702): View more from Nevada

The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note

(1+44): View more from

Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!

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(509): View more from Washington

I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.

(509): View more from Washington

Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.

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(928): View more from Arizona

You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(914): View more from New York

I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(914): View more from New York

Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.

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(334): View more from Alabama

seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

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(696): View more from

Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?

(451): View more from

Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon

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(443): View more from Maryland

I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(917): View more from New York City

You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(626): View more from California

I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.

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(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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(212): View more from New York

all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"

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(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.

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(734): View more from Michigan

he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.

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(804): View more from Virginia

time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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(903): View more from Texas

Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up

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(518): View more from New York

I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(509): View more from Washington

Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(802): View more from Vermont

you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(281): View more from Texas

what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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(224): View more from Illinois

you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping

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(318): View more from Louisiana

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

Stop giving me tequila.

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(512): View more from Texas

I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

(1-512): View more from Texas

I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.

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(716): View more from New York

i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

(240): View more from Maryland

Why does tequilla always make you text me?

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(301): View more from Maryland

They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."

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(559): View more from California

I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples

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(773): View more from Illinois

Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.

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(607): View more from New York

I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(909): View more from California

The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

(1-909): View more from California

3?

(909): View more from California

Me, myself and I

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just make sure my intervention has a theme...

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(571): View more from Virginia

Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

(571): View more from Virginia

just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

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(509): View more from Washington

Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.

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(407): View more from Florida

Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?

(912): View more from Georgia

Home?

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(806): View more from Texas

Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.

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(206): View more from Washington

You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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(713): View more from Texas

We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it

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(586): View more from Michigan

you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer

(1-586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me change into clothes i can run in

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(636): View more from Missouri

Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(310): View more from California

Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

(818): View more from California

No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(912): View more from Georgia

Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.

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(567): View more from Ohio

For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(970): View more from Colorado

im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.

(303): View more from Colorado

i dont think thats healthy man...

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(518): View more from New York

Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can't be the first without the last

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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(757): View more from Virginia

Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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(510): View more from California

Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(989): View more from Michigan

TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over

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(810): View more from Michigan

my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(347): View more from New York

He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(716): View more from New York

Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.

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(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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(407): View more from Florida

Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour

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(214): View more from Texas

The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.

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(785): View more from Kansas

whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(518): View more from New York

Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(541): View more from Oregon

We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(407): View more from Florida

i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(530): View more from California

she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule

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(208): View more from Idaho

i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(630): View more from Illinois

batman just walked across the sidewalk

(1-630): View more from Illinois

lay off the drugs

(630): View more from Illinois

no for real he was wearing a cape

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.

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(714): View more from California

I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(951): View more from California

Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants

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(786): View more from Florida

I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(815): View more from Illinois

Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(315): View more from New York

My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(310): View more from California

Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(503): View more from Oregon

you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt

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(210): View more from Texas

I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(707): View more from California

frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(845): View more from New York

i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(713): View more from Texas

I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

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(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

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(815): View more from Illinois

The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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(315): View more from New York

I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.

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(514): View more from Quebec

btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough

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(254): View more from Texas

In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.

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(949): View more from California

Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(585): View more from New York

its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(757): View more from Virginia

i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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(727): View more from Florida

These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

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(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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(540): View more from Virginia

we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(630): View more from Illinois

it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(319): View more from Iowa

True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

(847): View more from Illinois

And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

(319): View more from Iowa

At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

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(323): View more from California

I'm being pulled over???

(520): View more from Arizona

For what!?!?!

(323): View more from California

??? I'm in a cab!!!!!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere

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(410): View more from Maryland

we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.

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(305): View more from Florida

I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.

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(917): View more from New York City

Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(954): View more from Florida

so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop

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(540): View more from Virginia

It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.

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(386): View more from Florida

i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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(706): View more from Georgia

Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Yes.

(612): View more from Minnesota

fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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(772): View more from Florida

you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(716): View more from New York

found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(516): View more from New York

i have one question about last night

(646): View more from New York

if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(914): View more from New York

Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

this just has baby written all over it

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(312): View more from Illinois

If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

what drugs are you on?

(404): View more from Georgia

none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(315): View more from New York

can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How has he not realized you're pregnant?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Spanx.

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(650): View more from California

There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

(650): View more from California

I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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(813): View more from Florida

The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

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(720): View more from Colorado

You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

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(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.

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(208): View more from Idaho

aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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(386): View more from Florida

You going to midnight mass? we need a dd

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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(317): View more from Indiana

My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

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(314): View more from Missouri

chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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(512): View more from Texas

last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I had another sleeping on concrete incident.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww

(1-613): View more from Ontario

no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call

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(314): View more from Missouri

totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(706): View more from Georgia

That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(248): View more from Michigan

Don't you send me to vm

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(619): View more from California

Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

(1-619): View more from California

i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

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(802): View more from Vermont

I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.

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