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On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i think i have herpe
just one?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Less talking, more tequila
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
How's work?
Spinning.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
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