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First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
please come you make the beer taste better
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Dignity is for republicans.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
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