Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.

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(925): View more from California

First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

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(513): View more from Ohio

We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers

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(618): View more from Illinois

You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.

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(705): View more from Ontario

So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.

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