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she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Alive.
So much puke
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
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