Texts From Last Night

MuffinW's Favorites Texts:

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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING

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  (517): I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING http://tfl.nu/fw3v
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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  (215): I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory... (1-215): just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!" http://tfl.nu/238t
  Replies (9) Good night (1543) Bad night (125)
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety

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  (931): Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety http://tfl.nu/hne4
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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  (832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem http://tfl.nu/ll71
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.

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  (337): Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell? (913): I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space. http://tfl.nu/aqjc
  Replies (14) Good night (1459) Bad night (206)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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  (609): Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him. http://tfl.nu/6jaw
  Replies (8) Good night (2173) Bad night (185) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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  (919): What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic. http://tfl.nu/uq7x
  Replies (19) Good night (2483) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

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  (714): I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off. http://tfl.nu/39nr
  Replies (9) Good night (2455) Bad night (402) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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  (817): You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman. http://tfl.nu/6t1t
  Replies (10) Good night (2483) Bad night (162) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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  (614): The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/yci0
  Replies (16) Good night (2936) Bad night (176)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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  (920): We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like http://tfl.nu/fep0
  Replies (18) Good night (2842) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
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  (075): View more from

  thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.

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  (075): thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs. http://tfl.nu/pfb6
  Replies (12) Good night (1103) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.

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  (905): sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night. http://tfl.nu/nv7h
  Replies (5) Good night (606) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?

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  (303): Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself? http://tfl.nu/1puu
  Replies (6) Good night (1141) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

  (315): View more from New York

  I get naked cuz your not there

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  (607): Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?! (315): I get naked cuz your not there http://tfl.nu/p9qb
  Replies (12) Good night (2071) Bad night (265)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  What changed your mind?

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  Being sober

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  (616): What changed your mind? (1-616): Being sober http://tfl.nu/yhh4
  Replies (3) Good night (1126) Bad night (211) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina

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  (603): I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina http://tfl.nu/bksp
  Replies (6) Good night (1757) Bad night (128) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  He was the one that got away. From my vagina.

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  (647): He was the one that got away. From my vagina. http://tfl.nu/504c
  Replies (8) Good night (1107) Bad night (235) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

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  (847): I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never. http://tfl.nu/n83d
  Replies (13) Good night (1252) Bad night (183) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.

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  (925): It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day. http://tfl.nu/ynaj
  Replies (5) Good night (777) Bad night (214) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?

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  (260): If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok? http://tfl.nu/erl3
  Replies (3) Good night (968) Bad night (188) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.

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  (865): I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck. http://tfl.nu/zkmt
  Replies (5) Good night (829) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

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  (623): Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to. http://tfl.nu/084z
  Replies (5) Good night (1684) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."

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  (541): So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here." http://tfl.nu/zbul
  Replies (5) Good night (1482) Bad night (172) Order T-Shirt
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.

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  (320): Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later. http://tfl.nu/4ix3
  Replies (8) Good night (978) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.

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  (617): She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI. http://tfl.nu/ewv2
  Replies (6) Good night (1231) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?

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  (512): I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I? http://tfl.nu/ch97
  Replies (6) Good night (1127) Bad night (164) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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  (209): Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way. http://tfl.nu/s3aa
  Replies (5) Good night (1275) Bad night (151)
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  (714): View more from California

  What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.

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  (714): What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work. http://tfl.nu/so92
  Replies (7) Good night (927) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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  (330): OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM. http://tfl.nu/cuq6
  Replies (14) Good night (2091) Bad night (167) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again

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  (310): Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again http://tfl.nu/9kfj
  Replies (7) Good night (148) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.

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  (919): being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her. http://tfl.nu/7get
  Replies (13) Good night (1518) Bad night (240)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

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  (+44): It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over. http://tfl.nu/6ffz
  Replies (7) Good night (360) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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  (805): OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine. http://tfl.nu/qt1j
  Replies (11) Good night (2078) Bad night (198) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party

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  (925): What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party http://tfl.nu/qwra
  Replies (3) Good night (949) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.

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  (845): Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions. http://tfl.nu/ahrr
  Replies (3) Good night (777) Bad night (287) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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  (847): I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet. http://tfl.nu/ancz
  Replies (9) Good night (3392) Bad night (257) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!

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  (707): Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down! http://tfl.nu/7qyi
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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  (602): Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk. http://tfl.nu/8anb
  Replies (11) Good night (2477) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  Ooooh. Get funfetti

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  (413): Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me. (1-413): Ooooh. Get funfetti http://tfl.nu/46m2
  Replies (7) Good night (2361) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain

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  (970): Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain http://tfl.nu/hjom
  Replies (6) Good night (1114) Bad night (267) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

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  (510): yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him http://tfl.nu/nlke
  Replies (2) Good night (1264) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution

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  (513): i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution http://tfl.nu/2azu
  Replies (3) Good night (839) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.

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  (360): I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard. http://tfl.nu/3vju
  Replies (2) Good night (883) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.

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  (804): and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start. http://tfl.nu/94bc
  Replies (6) Good night (886) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.

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  (480): I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level. http://tfl.nu/m64o
  Replies (5) Good night (2469) Bad night (230)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.

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  (870): I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team. http://tfl.nu/hbuy
  Replies (6) Good night (1673) Bad night (190) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.

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  (828): I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know. http://tfl.nu/l3hv
  Replies (11) Good night (804) Bad night (270) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Did it work?

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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  (918): I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over. (336): Did it work? (918): Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door. http://tfl.nu/swzf
  Replies (8) Good night (2477) Bad night (205)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.

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  (908): I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats. http://tfl.nu/npuf
  Replies (7) Good night (1218) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.

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  (941): I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant. http://tfl.nu/bzfq
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment

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  (302): I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment http://tfl.nu/03jc
  Replies (9) Good night (944) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.

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  (203): I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant. http://tfl.nu/7i15
  Replies (6) Good night (1563) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Where the royal fuck are you??

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  The depths of vodka hell.

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  (425): Where the royal fuck are you?? (1-425): The depths of vodka hell. http://tfl.nu/wloy
  Replies (13) Good night (1700) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.

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  (401): You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous. http://tfl.nu/cb7r
  Replies (4) Good night (1011) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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  (812): I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you http://tfl.nu/vw2w
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  (949): View more from California

  I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.

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  (949): I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night. http://tfl.nu/qme4
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Last night was just one giant freudian slip.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  You made out with EVERYBODY.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Can I just bleach my life?

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  (702): Last night was just one giant freudian slip. (503): You made out with EVERYBODY. (702): Can I just bleach my life? http://tfl.nu/dy05
  Replies (3) Good night (1341) Bad night (295)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

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  (270): Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together. http://tfl.nu/2jfm
  Replies (7) Good night (1857) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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  (248): Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend. http://tfl.nu/0gh5
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...

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  (307): My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls... http://tfl.nu/pef0
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts

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  (215): Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts http://tfl.nu/dne4
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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  (774): omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore.... (774): HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance http://tfl.nu/0qjd
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.

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  (801): Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card. http://tfl.nu/l3ra
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  (386): View more from Florida

  He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.

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  (386): He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck. http://tfl.nu/cvbc
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete

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  (414): Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete http://tfl.nu/c68q
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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  (248): Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date? http://tfl.nu/49q5
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?

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  (856): I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong? http://tfl.nu/uyqh
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  (212): View more from New York

  how are things with the new girl?

  (917): View more from New York City

  good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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  (212): how are things with the new girl? (917): good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked http://tfl.nu/oe1i
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.

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  (785): The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked. http://tfl.nu/4i2t
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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  (804): time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever http://tfl.nu/4zua
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I thought you were single?

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

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  (262): I thought you were single? (1-262): I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick. http://tfl.nu/pt5v
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?

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  (918): What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else? http://tfl.nu/xvvc
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left

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  (208): I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left http://tfl.nu/jhm7
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.

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  (720): Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego. http://tfl.nu/dgdq
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  (619): View more from California

  Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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  (619): Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by... http://tfl.nu/g8gw
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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  (248): It's fine...I've done worse things to better people. http://tfl.nu/e0kr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

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  (203): Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar. http://tfl.nu/i0ni
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  (801): View more from Utah

  "Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.

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  (801): "Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much. http://tfl.nu/4lhq
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.

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  (647): bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope. http://tfl.nu/udjt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

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  (260): Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed. http://tfl.nu/ajvn
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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  (778): DOWN HORMONES. BACK. http://tfl.nu/nnqc
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar

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  (207): My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar http://tfl.nu/m9rj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..

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  (203): I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground.. http://tfl.nu/w7v0
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.

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  (763): she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick. http://tfl.nu/by59
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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  (304): My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger. http://tfl.nu/dtz4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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  (202): you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday? http://tfl.nu/psur
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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  (217): Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not. http://tfl.nu/3f1l
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.

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  (402): In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing. http://tfl.nu/xv1v
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?

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  (484): Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with? http://tfl.nu/xos6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

  (+04): View more from

  Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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  (314): CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED (+04): Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you. http://tfl.nu/xp3j
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I will be naked everywhere

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  (814): I will be naked everywhere http://tfl.nu/uvl6
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?

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  (304): I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this? http://tfl.nu/dpdb
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february

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  (732): if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february http://tfl.nu/tz00
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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  (202): She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums. http://tfl.nu/4fck
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke

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  (215): It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke http://tfl.nu/1v10
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.

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  (304): I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell. http://tfl.nu/ufac
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  (425): View more from Washington

  You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

  (206): View more from Washington

  The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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  (425): You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy. (206): The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!! http://tfl.nu/5bns
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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  (941): Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil. http://tfl.nu/r5gy
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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  (940): Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things. http://tfl.nu/0rsv
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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  (715): An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all. http://tfl.nu/7eme
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"

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  (520): I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito" http://tfl.nu/vbc5
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS

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  (541): THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS http://tfl.nu/c3uu
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart

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  (509): Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart http://tfl.nu/gb8n
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

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  (715): 1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed http://tfl.nu/vbeb
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  (707): View more from California

  I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

  (1-707): View more from California

  You did like 8

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  (707): I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots (1-707): You did like 8 http://tfl.nu/2yf9
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

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  (775): I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH http://tfl.nu/ef88
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  (406): View more from Montana

  sick fucks of a feather flock together

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  (406): sick fucks of a feather flock together http://tfl.nu/mkne
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  (518): View more from New York

  Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.

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  (518): Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke. http://tfl.nu/lmdn
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out

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  (812): and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out http://tfl.nu/6hen
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  (212): View more from New York

  I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.

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  (212): I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking. http://tfl.nu/4blg
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  At least you have booty calls.

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

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  (901): At least you have booty calls. (1-901): True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china http://tfl.nu/6dg2
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.

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  (815): I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes. http://tfl.nu/pp2q
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

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  (832): Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome. http://tfl.nu/loiz
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.

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  (540): Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures. http://tfl.nu/hix2
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.

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  (720): I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up. http://tfl.nu/iuni
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  (951): View more from California

  Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

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  (951): Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails. http://tfl.nu/29ec
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  (646): View more from New York

  How was the rest of your night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

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  (646): How was the rest of your night? (917): A little fuzzy and a lot naked. http://tfl.nu/r63c
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Ecstasy should be its own food group.

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  (316): Ecstasy should be its own food group. http://tfl.nu/46zl
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  How did you even find out?

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Oh.

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  (973): How did you even find out? (1-973): Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom." (973): Oh. http://tfl.nu/227x
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You used the best tools you had at your disposal.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Slutty, slutty tools.

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  (507): You used the best tools you had at your disposal. (651): Slutty, slutty tools. http://tfl.nu/m6kb
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  I can do at least one of those things.

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  (937): You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable (1-937): I can do at least one of those things. http://tfl.nu/zzd3
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Penises. Everywhere.

  (772): View more from Florida

  You're. Welcome.

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  (813): Penises. Everywhere. (772): You're. Welcome. http://tfl.nu/k2kj
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.

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  (647): I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway. http://tfl.nu/bxvu
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.

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  (704): It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals. http://tfl.nu/tnox
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction

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  (715): It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction http://tfl.nu/kbcm
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  (707): View more from California

  Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick

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  (707): Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick http://tfl.nu/qfj7
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.

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  (651): You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions. http://tfl.nu/alli
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?

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  (843): New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard. (321): Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman? http://tfl.nu/4ln7
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.

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  (432): Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever. http://tfl.nu/tyrw
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.

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  (812): I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy. http://tfl.nu/z5fr
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...

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  (401): Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him... http://tfl.nu/2jr7
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

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  (641): Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone http://tfl.nu/y7a4
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.

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  (281): Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his. (832): I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/5mgo
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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  (613): I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party. http://tfl.nu/ibqy
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.

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  (541): Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock. http://tfl.nu/5hls
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  (949): View more from California

  He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick

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  (949): He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick http://tfl.nu/ka5e
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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  (513): Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done? http://tfl.nu/t5qr
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.

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  (907): Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina. http://tfl.nu/hpd0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  How was your weekend?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.

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  (774): How was your weekend? (508): The sex was so good. It hurts to exist. http://tfl.nu/pe42
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  (626): View more from California

  I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?

  (949): View more from California

  OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.

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  (626): I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me? (949): OH MY GOD. SO PROUD. http://tfl.nu/ybsq
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?

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  (757): Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early? http://tfl.nu/0ctz
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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  (919): At what point would you like us to save you from yourself? http://tfl.nu/30aa
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.

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  (780): I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past. http://tfl.nu/8nfc
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  (646): View more from New York

  last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good

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  (646): last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good http://tfl.nu/h7gj
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.

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  (918): Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose. http://tfl.nu/n06v
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.

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  (608): Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship. http://tfl.nu/pyi6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.

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  (314): I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads. http://tfl.nu/vfmt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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  (843): I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that http://tfl.nu/xola
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.

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  (732): She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot. http://tfl.nu/el8s
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  (607): View more from New York

  I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

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  (607): I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud! http://tfl.nu/toc7
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  (707): View more from California

  I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key

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  (707): I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key http://tfl.nu/dsgw
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  (845): View more from New York

  I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"

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  (845): I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl" http://tfl.nu/lnr2
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

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  (804): by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious. http://tfl.nu/gquc
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy

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  (443): We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy http://tfl.nu/feuw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.

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  (850): your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing. http://tfl.nu/7ema
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  (914): View more from New York

  I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.

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  (914): I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem. http://tfl.nu/p4yj
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it

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  (225): Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it http://tfl.nu/wgow
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

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  (910): He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today. http://tfl.nu/xbxf
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

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  (774): He likes bondage and spanking and shit. (508): Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that. http://tfl.nu/4784
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.

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  (215): He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that. http://tfl.nu/u001
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  (831): View more from California

  i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something

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  (831): i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something http://tfl.nu/b053
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  (739): View more from

  The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

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  (739): The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/v9ao
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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  (214): My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/7yfd
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...

  (1-778): View more from British Columbia

  she's gonna get diseases

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  (778): she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from... (1-778): she's gonna get diseases http://tfl.nu/ja7i
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  you seemed to enjoy falling down hill

  (540): View more from Virginia

  wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint

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  (703): you seemed to enjoy falling down hill (540): wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint http://tfl.nu/kb4o
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.

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  (609): She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her. http://tfl.nu/z51y
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.

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  (918): I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance. http://tfl.nu/ugp3
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Ew! He's just a child!

  (361): View more from Texas

  AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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  (361): I'm okay with corrupting his young mind. (1-361): Ew! He's just a child! (361): AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE. http://tfl.nu/exs0
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same

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  (208): I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same http://tfl.nu/tmvd
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.

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  (225): Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper. http://tfl.nu/6qsz
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

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  (828): I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/w8gt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.

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  (618): You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling. http://tfl.nu/9fnu
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

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  (781): I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions" http://tfl.nu/b7d2
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from

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  (931): That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from http://tfl.nu/4gf0
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  (516): View more from New York

  Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking

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  (516): Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking http://tfl.nu/xf50
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  (626): View more from California

  Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...

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  (626): Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything... http://tfl.nu/rago
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.

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  (804): I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years. http://tfl.nu/h8vw
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.

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  (512): i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me. http://tfl.nu/wgh1
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.

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  (267): I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions. http://tfl.nu/avse
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  (512): View more from Texas

  ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..

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  (512): ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm.. http://tfl.nu/glda
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

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  (214): Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece? http://tfl.nu/qvgx
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Thats a chance were just gonna have to take

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  (978): I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina. (978): Thats a chance were just gonna have to take http://tfl.nu/hpgd
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I left it in that guy's dorm room.

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  (613): come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?! (902): I left it in that guy's dorm room. http://tfl.nu/1k29
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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  (706): I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja. http://tfl.nu/8z0x
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.

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  (813): I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly. http://tfl.nu/szur
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  (561): View more from Florida

  walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow

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  (561): walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow http://tfl.nu/qm0x
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.

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  (256): I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies. http://tfl.nu/fekw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

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  (717): He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it. http://tfl.nu/0zar
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  (850): View more from Florida

  His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.

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  (850): His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend. http://tfl.nu/ofwy
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.

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  (770): I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time. http://tfl.nu/k05m
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.

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  (336): I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked. http://tfl.nu/3p22
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

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  (865): I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me. http://tfl.nu/r0al
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself

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  (540): Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself http://tfl.nu/tr5c
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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  (210): Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT. http://tfl.nu/29iu
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  (936): View more from Texas

  If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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  (936): If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way. http://tfl.nu/i55j
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

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  (337): The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth http://tfl.nu/th81
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.

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  (519): I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning. http://tfl.nu/ffy0
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.

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  (870): No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you. http://tfl.nu/b7m8
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible

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  (404): there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible http://tfl.nu/fm0j
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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  (502): I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever. http://tfl.nu/bzzy
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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  (859): i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly http://tfl.nu/pft1
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

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  (612): What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains. http://tfl.nu/eu34
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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  (317): Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now? http://tfl.nu/j3p5
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  (925): View more from California

  She still cant shoot whiskey?

  (925): View more from California

  Im having serious doubts about this relationship

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  (925): She still cant shoot whiskey? (925): Im having serious doubts about this relationship http://tfl.nu/o90t
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

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  (267): dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure http://tfl.nu/1m9t
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.

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  (434): I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME. http://tfl.nu/rn1v
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams

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  (717): You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams http://tfl.nu/9pxu
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.

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  (706): Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check. http://tfl.nu/kz2a
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement

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  (270): I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement http://tfl.nu/ql20
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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  (575): You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup. http://tfl.nu/dggj
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  How have you survived this long?

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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  (479): Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever. (1-479): How have you survived this long? (479): Dumb luck and a deal with the devil. http://tfl.nu/0es8
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy

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  (614): making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy http://tfl.nu/o6e5
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.

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  (603): He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing. http://tfl.nu/abhc
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.

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  (218): It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter. http://tfl.nu/rje4
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.

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  (540): I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that. http://tfl.nu/0566
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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  (803): I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it. http://tfl.nu/1xwb
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?

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  (740): besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right? http://tfl.nu/pxhk
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?

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  (317): on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week? http://tfl.nu/z5ru
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.

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  (972): I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me. http://tfl.nu/5z1z
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  (626): View more from California

  I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.

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  (626): I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there. http://tfl.nu/iwr8
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  (406): View more from Montana

  And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

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  (406): And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha http://tfl.nu/j31u
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.

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  (614): Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this. http://tfl.nu/rk1o
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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  (307): Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka. http://tfl.nu/40xv
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?

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  (704): Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night? http://tfl.nu/zhm8
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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  (601): You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion. http://tfl.nu/8mpu
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  But you wear shame so well

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  (303): Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group (1-303): But you wear shame so well http://tfl.nu/l3oh
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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  (217): I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories http://tfl.nu/vqmd
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
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  (916): View more from California

  Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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  (916): Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On. http://tfl.nu/kp7b
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  (619): View more from California

  He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.

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  (619): He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one. http://tfl.nu/6tfs
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.

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  (+64): The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care. http://tfl.nu/n9x9
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  (510): View more from California

  I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

  (1-510): View more from California

  Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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  (510): I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard (1-510): Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening. http://tfl.nu/lvw9
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

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  (651): No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep. http://tfl.nu/9hze
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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  (859): i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex http://tfl.nu/qgsg
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

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  (902): it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be? http://tfl.nu/eobh
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.

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  (202): I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure. http://tfl.nu/68x5
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame

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  (618): thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame http://tfl.nu/q9yu
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  Youre getting too old for this

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  (615): Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame. (1-615): Youre getting too old for this http://tfl.nu/7foh
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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  (270): I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely. http://tfl.nu/i6l6
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing

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  (812): Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing http://tfl.nu/c12t
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.

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  (313): Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie. http://tfl.nu/1dd0
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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  (313): I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina http://tfl.nu/zo54
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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  (401): want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure? http://tfl.nu/59m2
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  (817): View more from Texas

  It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

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  (817): It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart. http://tfl.nu/sgc5
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.

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  (540): Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday. http://tfl.nu/c8hf
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.

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  (905): I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it. http://tfl.nu/6c57
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  (214): View more from Texas

  The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.

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  (214): The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to. http://tfl.nu/ot3b
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour

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  (859): will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour http://tfl.nu/165f
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.

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  (563): WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE. http://tfl.nu/f0cz
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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  (740): I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face. http://tfl.nu/v2r4
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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  (715): Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out. http://tfl.nu/yvz7
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

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  (870): Its gonna be a symphony of fucks http://tfl.nu/8ess
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

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  (423): take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/qdcc
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.

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  (360): Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded. http://tfl.nu/tq2s
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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  (801): I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified http://tfl.nu/y3tt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?

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  (814): Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison? http://tfl.nu/qn7s
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

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  (262): put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone http://tfl.nu/kic6
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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  (203): some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed. http://tfl.nu/br4z
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.

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  (570): I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT. http://tfl.nu/iw7k
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

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  (414): ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco http://tfl.nu/xqa3
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

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  (775): all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now. http://tfl.nu/wlt7
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer

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  (678): I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer http://tfl.nu/ffy6
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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  (757): We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather. http://tfl.nu/kdej
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer

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  (757): FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer http://tfl.nu/zfwz
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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  (862): I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands! http://tfl.nu/blis
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  (207): View more from Maine

  traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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  (207): traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK http://tfl.nu/1e7j
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  (619): View more from California

  Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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  (619): Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't. http://tfl.nu/8mv6
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  (949): View more from California

  I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.

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  (949): I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer. http://tfl.nu/vxsa
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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  (678): I'll always be here to give you immoral support. http://tfl.nu/ss89
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Like Teddy Roosevelt

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  (203): I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads (1-203): Like Teddy Roosevelt http://tfl.nu/jrby
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  (979): View more from Texas

  Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.

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  (979): Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine. http://tfl.nu/p1v5
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now

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  (205): They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now http://tfl.nu/ocyi
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  (936): View more from Texas

  I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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  (936): I swallowed for you. Answer the phone. http://tfl.nu/f04x
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

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  (574): A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments. http://tfl.nu/8p58
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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  (615): Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls. http://tfl.nu/rbr1
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.

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  (505): We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness. http://tfl.nu/4wfs
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

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  (972): Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life. http://tfl.nu/6m4u
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

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  (606): VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS http://tfl.nu/8cgs
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

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  (480): I would never do this in real life. It's only college. http://tfl.nu/l8vq
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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  (832): You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it. http://tfl.nu/3ywv
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  (406): View more from Montana

  My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered

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  (406): My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered http://tfl.nu/5zea
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Who is this?

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?

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  (603): Who is this? (1-603): You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo (603): Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this? http://tfl.nu/iabt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.

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  (561): Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN. http://tfl.nu/5n63
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  (818): View more from California

  I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.

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  (818): I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. http://tfl.nu/hxik
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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  (203): You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at http://tfl.nu/66cb
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention

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  (228): I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention http://tfl.nu/1mmd
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

  (1-336): View more from North Carolina

  Blow your rape whistle

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  (336): Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar (1-336): Blow your rape whistle http://tfl.nu/5qj3
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.

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  (770): Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers. http://tfl.nu/y8q2
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.

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  (423): All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited. http://tfl.nu/itw0
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  (214): View more from Texas

  The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.

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  (214): The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero. http://tfl.nu/qcue
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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  (575): I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE http://tfl.nu/fcs3
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(

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  (507): She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :( http://tfl.nu/2xc0
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago

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  (602): Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago http://tfl.nu/ycpd
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers

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  (314): Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers http://tfl.nu/hxbz
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.

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  (314): I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate. http://tfl.nu/fw6h
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Home?

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  (407): Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus? (912): Home? http://tfl.nu/7r1y
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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  (+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people. http://tfl.nu/uumz
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.

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  (802): lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships. http://tfl.nu/002a
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.

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  (704): He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book. http://tfl.nu/dqxa
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  (562): View more from California

  I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.

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  (562): I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy. http://tfl.nu/l30m
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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  (541): Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots. http://tfl.nu/feja
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone

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  (+27): You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone http://tfl.nu/np51
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  (904): View more from Florida

  After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.

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  (904): After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay. http://tfl.nu/z22k
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  (518): View more from New York

  Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.

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  (518): Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend. http://tfl.nu/xnkx
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us

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  (413): We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us http://tfl.nu/tf0q
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.

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  (206): I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe. http://tfl.nu/2cd4
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  (516): View more from New York

  You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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  (516): You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food. http://tfl.nu/5019
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  (214): View more from Texas

  There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

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  (214): There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me. http://tfl.nu/ecsp
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

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  (870): I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god. http://tfl.nu/nsks
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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  (570): You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter. http://tfl.nu/i6dh
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  (406): View more from Montana

  There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

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  (406): There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go! http://tfl.nu/765a
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  (619): View more from California

  Be still, my beating vagina.

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  (619): Be still, my beating vagina. http://tfl.nu/qyal
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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  (301): I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS http://tfl.nu/2dnv
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.

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  (404): All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen. http://tfl.nu/mg75
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.

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  (970): She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim. http://tfl.nu/tftc
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Does it taste like semen?

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  (972): I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it. (214): Does it taste like semen? http://tfl.nu/qasv
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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  (570): Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it. http://tfl.nu/ahvg
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Champagne is a vitamin, right?

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  (904): Champagne is a vitamin, right? http://tfl.nu/gkox
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  (206): View more from Washington

  In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone

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  (206): In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone http://tfl.nu/jkow
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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  (317): So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it http://tfl.nu/80uu
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  It's never too late to be topless.

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  (614): It's never too late to be topless. http://tfl.nu/ybgn
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE

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  (203): We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE http://tfl.nu/bmko
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Less talking, more tequila

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  (708): Less talking, more tequila http://tfl.nu/d67d
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  (315): View more from New York

  hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

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  (315): hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time. http://tfl.nu/7nlf
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  (512): View more from Texas

  did you find a tooth?

  (254): View more from Texas

  did you lose one?

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  (512): did you find a tooth? (254): did you lose one? http://tfl.nu/1ieh
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....

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  (972): Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories.... http://tfl.nu/damv
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.

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  (513): We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game. http://tfl.nu/pari
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  (044): View more from

  I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.

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  (044): I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks. http://tfl.nu/8eb6
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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  (702): Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride http://tfl.nu/xs6r
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  We welcome drunken adversity.

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  With open legs.

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  (724): We welcome drunken adversity. (1-724): With open legs. http://tfl.nu/iqs6
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.

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  (902): In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment. http://tfl.nu/d367
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

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  (620): He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening. http://tfl.nu/b9i7
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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  (630): It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales. http://tfl.nu/sbow
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?

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  (816): There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be? http://tfl.nu/l5gd
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!

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  (708): Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday! http://tfl.nu/a9dm
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  (863): View more from Florida

  There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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  (863): There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent. http://tfl.nu/g0ez
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.

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  (303): Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life. http://tfl.nu/83b6
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish

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  (727): I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish http://tfl.nu/fk29
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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  (+44): Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning . http://tfl.nu/qry6
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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  (978): Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat http://tfl.nu/fgz1
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

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  (215): Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places. http://tfl.nu/tyy2
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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  (806): You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping.... http://tfl.nu/mb43
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  (707): View more from California

  I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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  (707): I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA http://tfl.nu/ppt3
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

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  (207): I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling http://tfl.nu/w1qs
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I have surprise drugs for everyone

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  (404): I have surprise drugs for everyone http://tfl.nu/7gjj
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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  (+44): You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point. http://tfl.nu/tew1
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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  (704): Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be http://tfl.nu/xbn0
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?

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  (810): was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams? http://tfl.nu/die2
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.

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  (541): he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life. http://tfl.nu/b77w
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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  (228): you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out. http://tfl.nu/9xp5
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  (315): View more from New York

  He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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  (315): He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits. http://tfl.nu/w5h8
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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  (801): He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex. http://tfl.nu/rz6s
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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  (954): Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish. http://tfl.nu/zg18
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.

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  (708): My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase. http://tfl.nu/2212
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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  (612): i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore. http://tfl.nu/6de5
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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  (850): Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am. http://tfl.nu/2bm2
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

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  (702): Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes http://tfl.nu/n4pv
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.

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  (507): It's a special occasion. Hence the 151. http://tfl.nu/vp1j
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

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  (810): I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same http://tfl.nu/4oc8
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.

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  (215): Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes. http://tfl.nu/s26z
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  (360): View more from Washington

  you inspire me to be a worse person

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  (360): you inspire me to be a worse person http://tfl.nu/en33
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?

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  (614): He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual? http://tfl.nu/dfsm
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.

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  (314): I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night. http://tfl.nu/0xi5
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  No that means he must've used the nipple clamps

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  (479): No that means he must've used the nipple clamps http://tfl.nu/kmo2
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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  (860): I smell like Captain Morgan and tears http://tfl.nu/pqes
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.

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  (920): I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant. http://tfl.nu/9xux
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

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  (228): i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy http://tfl.nu/ftf6
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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  (618): I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed. http://tfl.nu/50l6
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  ..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing

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  (709): ..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing http://tfl.nu/8uai
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!

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  (303): hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you! http://tfl.nu/45j7
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

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  (630): there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have? http://tfl.nu/04yo
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.

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  (225): she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her. http://tfl.nu/dxlc
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  (707): View more from California

  Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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  (707): Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car. http://tfl.nu/kt4h
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

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  (978): you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool... http://tfl.nu/os9w
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.

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  (814): I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups. http://tfl.nu/oj47
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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  (618): Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout. http://tfl.nu/q2nt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.

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  (732): Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse. http://tfl.nu/qv1x
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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  (513): New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity. http://tfl.nu/ob6h
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.

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  (803): A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco. http://tfl.nu/eqmh
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.

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  (712): We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this. http://tfl.nu/g847
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

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  (937): talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive. http://tfl.nu/ejtq
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.

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  (609): He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on. http://tfl.nu/bqu1
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  (716): View more from New York

  If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.

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  (716): If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex. http://tfl.nu/vi35
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The Swedes wanted a tensome.

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  (832): The Swedes wanted a tensome. http://tfl.nu/8c8i
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  (707): View more from California

  I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.

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  (707): I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk. http://tfl.nu/e5cu
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  (415): View more from California

  was it good sex?

  (510): View more from California

  i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was

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  (415): was it good sex? (510): i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was http://tfl.nu/o836
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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  (703): I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver. http://tfl.nu/n7jh
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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  (810): GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK. http://tfl.nu/7sxv
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

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  (734): THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!? http://tfl.nu/2mg7
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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  (859): I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you. http://tfl.nu/a48g
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait

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  (614): I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait http://tfl.nu/idzg
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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  (219): I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break... http://tfl.nu/y0v7
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  (941): View more from Florida

  there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

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  (941): there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship. http://tfl.nu/bd1c
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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  (501): I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus. http://tfl.nu/lpxj
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

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  (765): My grandma had to be escorted out by police. http://tfl.nu/ipgw
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  (415): View more from California

  I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does

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  (415): I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does http://tfl.nu/67y4
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  (716): View more from New York

  You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.

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  (716): You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy. http://tfl.nu/mzkt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.

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  (207): FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS. http://tfl.nu/a3c7
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  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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  (850): i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once http://tfl.nu/6uuj
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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  (717): Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life. http://tfl.nu/od19
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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  (202): the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar http://tfl.nu/f2lj
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...

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  (612): Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab... http://tfl.nu/at31
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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  (724): And to think..we used to do everything sober... http://tfl.nu/tbey
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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  (901): i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life http://tfl.nu/drtj
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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  (+61): we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry. http://tfl.nu/qm28
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice

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  (920): its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice http://tfl.nu/sbu6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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  (847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head http://tfl.nu/hdz6
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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  (201): Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man. http://tfl.nu/hm6h
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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  (416): I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of. http://tfl.nu/16vh
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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  (418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle
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  (206): View more from Washington

  obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.

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  (206): obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol. http://tfl.nu/y9qf
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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  (917): I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant http://tfl.nu/lnj1
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

  (224): View more from Illinois

  story of my life.

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  (717): do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were? (224): story of my life. http://tfl.nu/syxz
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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  (305): you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store http://tfl.nu/0ult
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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  (515): RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us.. http://tfl.nu/3ryz
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (925): View more from California

  Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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  (925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

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  (503): I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them http://tfl.nu/p9tn
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  (806): View more from Texas

  All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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  (806): All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots" http://tfl.nu/28dj
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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  (816): It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea http://tfl.nu/zoej
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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  (202): But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery." http://tfl.nu/8w5e
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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  (816): we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome http://tfl.nu/vmah
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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  (708): He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS. http://tfl.nu/pf4u
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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  (601): I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished. http://tfl.nu/ezge
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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  (405): Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon. http://tfl.nu/zm69
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  Best pick-up line ever!

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  (806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf
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  (281): View more from Texas

  All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

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  (281): All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems". http://tfl.nu/zcya
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone just got laid.

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  (480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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  (774): So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life http://tfl.nu/2cua
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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  (401): I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants. (401): Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean. http://tfl.nu/96j7
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

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  (917): I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay http://tfl.nu/145k
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

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  (617): Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero. http://tfl.nu/4xtx
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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  (803): It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/hg6l
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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  (302): he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks" http://tfl.nu/zxub
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.

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  (207): I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life. http://tfl.nu/g4gg
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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  (520): 2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out. http://tfl.nu/1knp
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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  (208): The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?" http://tfl.nu/toa2
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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  (919): I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could. http://tfl.nu/sgrh
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  (718): View more from New York

  he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

  (917): View more from New York City

  smooth operator

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  (718): he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty (917): smooth operator http://tfl.nu/2sej
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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  (330): Every perfect package comes with a warning label. http://tfl.nu/x7rd
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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  (913): I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady." http://tfl.nu/ftym
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  (858): View more from California

  It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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  (858): It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain. http://tfl.nu/y8ei
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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  (775): So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again. http://tfl.nu/ocrt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
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