It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
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I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
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