Texts From Last Night · rak393's Favorites

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rak393's Favorites Texts:

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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(214): View more from Texas

Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...

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(410): View more from Maryland

Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo

(410): View more from Maryland

Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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(818): View more from California

dude, i look like john mccains neck right now

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(214): View more from Texas

i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .

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(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

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(906): View more from Michigan

Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.

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(310): View more from California

How was the party last night?

(314): View more from Missouri

There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...

(1-540): View more from Virginia

You at least unplugged it right?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Wow that was a lesbian tornado.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.

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(408): View more from California

Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.

(831): View more from California

You did a keg stand on the toilet?!

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(207): View more from Maine

She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.

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(386): View more from Florida

It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina

(386): View more from Florida

It really is the softest mustache

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(218): View more from Minnesota

We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.

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(631): View more from New York

Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself

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(831): View more from California

There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy

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(562): View more from California

He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.

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(786): View more from Florida

hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!

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(631): View more from New York

I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(518): View more from New York

Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?

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(316): View more from Kansas

You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

None of those words made sense together.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

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(409): View more from Texas

Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(734): View more from Michigan

They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.

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(269): View more from Michigan

All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...

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(541): View more from Oregon

someone get that fucking seahorse.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(512): View more from Texas

Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now

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(707): View more from California

And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa

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(816): View more from Missouri

If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story

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(404): View more from Georgia

You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up

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(904): View more from Florida

Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my teeth are sweating.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(260): View more from Indiana

did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?

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(631): View more from New York

At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.

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(845): View more from New York

I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(432): View more from Texas

Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

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(317): View more from Indiana

disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(518): View more from New York

and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.

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(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

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(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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(831): View more from California

dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(817): View more from Texas

he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(513): View more from Ohio

He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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(516): View more from New York

Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(805): View more from California

I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.

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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(513): View more from Ohio

he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.

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(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

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(914): View more from New York

Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(631): View more from New York

the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.

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(208): View more from Idaho

this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand

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(212): View more from New York

I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.

(503): View more from Oregon

Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

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(214): View more from Texas

I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.

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(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.

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(713): View more from Texas

All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"

(305): View more from Florida

does that mean he doesn't last long?

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(248): View more from Michigan

doug butabi!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

steve butabi!

(248): View more from Michigan

hotties wanna shake it

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(952): View more from Minnesota

he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

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(432): View more from Texas

"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(408): View more from California

I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

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(850): View more from Florida

i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come

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(970): View more from Colorado

sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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(817): View more from Texas

You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.

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(561): View more from Florida

he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.

(1-865): View more from Tennessee

i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.

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(850): View more from Florida

So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.

(850): View more from Florida

I guess we all know what he was cookin.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(586): View more from Michigan

He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(425): View more from Washington

got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Why are we friends again?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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(631): View more from New York

U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?

(248): View more from Michigan

ya, gonna go have sex there?

(631): View more from New York

No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(416): View more from Ontario

I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.

(1-416): View more from Ontario

u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(831): View more from California

Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?

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(513): View more from Ohio

i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..

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(541): View more from Oregon

Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(850): View more from Florida

I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer

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(408): View more from California

hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

(1-408): View more from California

if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she sounds like chewbacca in bed

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

(609): View more from New Jersey

AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

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(940): View more from Texas

talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her

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(410): View more from Maryland

We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I hope you meant gum...

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(305): View more from Florida

I just saw a hot homeless man

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(936): View more from Texas

Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

(1-936): View more from Texas

Can I eat your pillow?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(503): View more from Oregon

after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

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(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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(757): View more from Virginia

we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.

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(310): View more from California

kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

(1-310): View more from California

damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

We tried having a conversation with our noses.

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(317): View more from Indiana

One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom

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(519): View more from Ontario

and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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(516): View more from New York

Are you with Adam and his vodka?

(1-516): View more from New York

Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued

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(443): View more from Maryland

My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(619): View more from California

He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

(1-804): View more from Virginia

wow, that really makes you stop and think.

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(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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(406): View more from Montana

Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs

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(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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(905): View more from Toronto

In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.

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(210): View more from Texas

READY

(1-210): View more from Texas

for what?

(210): View more from Texas

TO HAVE SEXXXX

(1-210): View more from Texas

i think you have the wrong number

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(785): View more from Kansas

It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(443): View more from Maryland

Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.

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(440): View more from Ohio

that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...

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(206): View more from Washington

got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

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(323): View more from California

Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what if every blade of grass was a penis?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(518): View more from New York

She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you

(248): View more from Michigan

Gross. gingers suck

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(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me

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(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

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(443): View more from Maryland

You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding

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(316): View more from Kansas

sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hoooooo maaaaan

(313): View more from Michigan

Yes?

(248): View more from Michigan

I'm retarded. Again.

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(214): View more from Texas

I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.

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(760): View more from California

Do you need to be saved?

(847): View more from Illinois

No I think I'm God

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(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

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(770): View more from Georgia

At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(541): View more from Oregon

Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?

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(850): View more from Florida

You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

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(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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(817): View more from Texas

My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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(205): View more from Alabama

The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my text book just quoted the cookie monster

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(713): View more from Texas

if only i could text you this smell

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

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(785): View more from Kansas

whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....

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(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me I talked like a deaf person

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People

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(714): View more from California

i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(703): View more from Virginia

unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis

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(914): View more from New York

Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"

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(949): View more from California

youre so sexy i want your bod

(410): View more from Maryland

dude, did you turn gay?

(949): View more from California

heather?

(410): View more from Maryland

this is jacob

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(828): View more from North Carolina

if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.

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(845): View more from New York

Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?

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(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(415): View more from California

It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(310): View more from California

He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what

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(313): View more from Michigan

So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(647): View more from Ontario

We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(720): View more from Colorado

It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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(917): View more from New York City

And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.

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(416): View more from Ontario

The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her

(732): View more from New Jersey

Clearly I went along with it

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(954): View more from Florida

My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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(561): View more from Florida

I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

(561): View more from Florida

He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar

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(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(804): View more from Virginia

they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

that's awkward

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(818): View more from California

First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.

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(586): View more from Michigan

My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

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(620): View more from Kansas

Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(631): View more from New York

stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(650): View more from California

from now on my penis is your penis

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

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(513): View more from Ohio

the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.

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(213): View more from California

those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.

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(518): View more from New York

Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(903): View more from Texas

she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(941): View more from Florida

Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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(785): View more from Kansas

My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(316): View more from Kansas

I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?

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(646): View more from New York

i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(904): View more from Florida

it's circumsized.

(954): View more from Florida

I think this conversation is over.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(480): View more from Arizona

So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

(703): View more from Virginia

just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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(206): View more from Washington

I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Sharpest. Poop. Ever.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments

(320): View more from Minnesota

You know how I know you're gay?

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(619): View more from California

My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(650): View more from California

I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(954): View more from Florida

i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(727): View more from Florida

I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

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(425): View more from Washington

This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

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(707): View more from California

she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.

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(585): View more from New York

This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?

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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm on that like soy sauce on rice

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.

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