I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Even my vagina gasped.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i drank out of a bidet.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You're like the curious george of whores
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
So many bounce houses so little time
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!