im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think about you every night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Drunk walkin through police station. America
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
We need to rekindle our bromance
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
she was so not down for the gang bang
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Banned from zoo.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"