my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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