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I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
No subtext here. People are naked.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
17 year olds will be the death of me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
bring money and cleavage
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Operation Purity has been aborted
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concern
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