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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
As shirtless as possible
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
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