Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.