The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
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