pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
should my penis look like a turkey
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you told grandpa to call you daddy
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.