On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
