Betty's Favorites Texts:

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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  it happened again.

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  (973): remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels? (973): it happened again. http://tfl.nu/jmjg
  Replies (8) Good night (5973) Bad night (750)
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  (661): View more from California

  His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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  (661): His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger http://tfl.nu/nen0
  Replies (32) Good night (11195) Bad night (907) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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  (509): He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that. http://tfl.nu/zg72
  Replies (31) Good night (5114) Bad night (1971) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

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  (401): I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes. http://tfl.nu/a6fu
  Replies (12) Good night (4893) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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  (404): Are you still at the party or did I leave? http://tfl.nu/pph4
  Replies (18) Good night (6786) Bad night (849) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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  (408): How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...? http://tfl.nu/cucy
  Replies (15) Good night (6519) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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  (773): apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened. http://tfl.nu/hpbr
  Replies (18) Good night (5707) Bad night (1446)
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious

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  (862): forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious http://tfl.nu/eea3
  Replies (19) Good night (3305) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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  (864): I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was. http://tfl.nu/wo9k
  Replies (11) Good night (1701) Bad night (4755) Order T-Shirt
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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  (807): I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature. http://tfl.nu/rbpc
  Replies (47) Good night (6339) Bad night (995) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

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  (217): Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself. http://tfl.nu/hfdh
  Replies (12) Good night (828) Bad night (7011)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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  (208): aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it. http://tfl.nu/sbum
  Replies (18) Good night (7179) Bad night (1210) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.

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  (678): I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/5xat
  Replies (8) Good night (1304) Bad night (3504)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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  (404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying http://tfl.nu/0ccm
  Replies (8) Good night (3140) Bad night (3901) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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  (773): Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat. http://tfl.nu/qnu6
  Replies (31) Good night (4197) Bad night (5056) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

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  (518): Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen. http://tfl.nu/qer2
  Replies (25) Good night (4945) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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  (410): just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks. http://tfl.nu/gf3t
  Replies (13) Good night (5959) Bad night (1157) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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  (207): reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face http://tfl.nu/zdhw
  Replies (52) Good night (8549) Bad night (1174) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
  Replies (43) Good night (7893) Bad night (2356) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS

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  (347): CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS http://tfl.nu/kzom
  Replies (27) Good night (3845) Bad night (1232) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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  (413): In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does. http://tfl.nu/f5ii
  Replies (48) Good night (7730) Bad night (1811)
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  (310): View more from California

  I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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  (310): I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid. http://tfl.nu/amso
  Replies (57) Good night (1282) Bad night (8688) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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  (515): in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/88o7
  Replies (20) Good night (10162) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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  (321): she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much. http://tfl.nu/ucje
  Replies (7) Good night (1398) Bad night (5573) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

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  (613): If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough. http://tfl.nu/noke
  Replies (8) Good night (1164) Bad night (3419) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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  (510): well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it http://tfl.nu/l3dc
  Replies (16) Good night (4551) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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  (732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day. http://tfl.nu/5atz
  Replies (29) Good night (5200) Bad night (1883) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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  (303): New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar. http://tfl.nu/vp4p
  Replies (7) Good night (6201) Bad night (857)
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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  (905): i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers. http://tfl.nu/1i45
  Replies (18) Good night (6575) Bad night (1654)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

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  (405): Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts. http://tfl.nu/kf4k
  Replies (16) Good night (4807) Bad night (1111) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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  (337): Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have. http://tfl.nu/wctv
  Replies (30) Good night (1428) Bad night (5792)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
  Replies (123) Good night (46591) Bad night (1694)
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  (562): View more from California

  So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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  (562): So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later. http://tfl.nu/b9wm
  Replies (17) Good night (5314) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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  (210): i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation http://tfl.nu/369m
  Replies (13) Good night (4731) Bad night (1479) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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  (802): every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin. http://tfl.nu/un5l
  Replies (18) Good night (7927) Bad night (972)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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  (303): Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking. http://tfl.nu/3qfc
  Replies (22) Good night (7176) Bad night (1131) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  we've started having sober sex

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you really do like him

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  (860): we've started having sober sex (203): you really do like him http://tfl.nu/ocmd
  Replies (19) Good night (8587) Bad night (804)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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  (773): Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom. http://tfl.nu/dmbr
  Replies (16) Good night (2032) Bad night (6557) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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  (614): you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink. http://tfl.nu/tx6g
  Replies (24) Good night (9214) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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  (214): My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/3ozf
  Replies (54) Good night (9634) Bad night (1252) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

  (845): View more from New York

  i guess it runs in the family.

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  (845): so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date (845): i guess it runs in the family. http://tfl.nu/gfn4
  Replies (6) Good night (5198) Bad night (835)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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  (312): i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it. http://tfl.nu/r7km
  Replies (12) Good night (5783) Bad night (876)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?

  (806): View more from Texas

  i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.

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  (214): you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him? (806): i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem. http://tfl.nu/wekp
  Replies (13) Good night (4524) Bad night (1127)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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  (804): she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off. http://tfl.nu/ypig
  Replies (27) Good night (5806) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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  (913): the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me http://tfl.nu/ze1e
  Replies (17) Good night (4043) Bad night (1094)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either

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  (937): Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either http://tfl.nu/8shq
  Replies (27) Good night (841) Bad night (5125) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
  Replies (22) Good night (1652) Bad night (10302) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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  (513): sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces. http://tfl.nu/5w4e
  Replies (16) Good night (6728) Bad night (754) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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  (734): A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country. http://tfl.nu/okwk
  Replies (85) Good night (12691) Bad night (1258) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51569) Bad night (2262)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  i think i left my bra at your place

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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  (901): i think i left my bra at your place (1-901): It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there. http://tfl.nu/dg7a
  Replies (22) Good night (10560) Bad night (878) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

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  (651): they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight. http://tfl.nu/8039
  Replies (7) Good night (4863) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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  (954): tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"? (1-954): Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards. http://tfl.nu/k91c
  Replies (72) Good night (10682) Bad night (1194)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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  (302): I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that. http://tfl.nu/9h2q
  Replies (11) Good night (5411) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

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  (970): let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot http://tfl.nu/ipdo
  Replies (11) Good night (6700) Bad night (865) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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  (260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h
  Replies (28) Good night (3623) Bad night (5449) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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  (250): woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" . http://tfl.nu/721o
  Replies (9) Good night (6293) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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  (913): just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home. http://tfl.nu/c9s9
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  (415): View more from California

  I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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  (415): I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?" http://tfl.nu/fnwu
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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  (908): Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic. http://tfl.nu/hh2b
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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  (336): This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard. http://tfl.nu/5chf
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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  (989): It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat. http://tfl.nu/ln17
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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  (318): This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out. http://tfl.nu/skdx
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  (916): View more from California

  i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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  (916): i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget http://tfl.nu/82uy
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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  (401): when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed? http://tfl.nu/66dn
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  (650): View more from California

  we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  god you guys know how to party

  (650): View more from California

  worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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  (650): we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed (505): god you guys know how to party (650): worst. bachelorette party. ever. http://tfl.nu/3oqx
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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  (352): Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover. http://tfl.nu/82ke
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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  (780): I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop. http://tfl.nu/zx6t
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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  (610): I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs. http://tfl.nu/uj0s
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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  (860): failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm. http://tfl.nu/gfgw
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  (818): View more from California

  Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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  (818): Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job. http://tfl.nu/3lp9
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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  (404): you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are. http://tfl.nu/yq64
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

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  (509): He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother. http://tfl.nu/97xz
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  (917): View more from New York City

  pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

  (347): View more from New York

  I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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  (917): pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock (347): I THOUGHT I SAW YOU http://tfl.nu/jrv0
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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  (267): i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough. http://tfl.nu/ija6
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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  (256): she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy. http://tfl.nu/z1ta
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  (858): View more from California

  Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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  (858): Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it http://tfl.nu/r7l5
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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  (262): Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now http://tfl.nu/184c
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

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  (205): Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong http://tfl.nu/oa40
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  (863): View more from Florida

  And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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  (863): And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard http://tfl.nu/4drm
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

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  (860): Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it. http://tfl.nu/iun7
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

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  (416): We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard? http://tfl.nu/skft
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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  (434): i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome http://tfl.nu/lk4z
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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  (609): This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/9axz
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.

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  (203): I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season. http://tfl.nu/xinh
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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  (205): i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers http://tfl.nu/g3p7
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

  (661): View more from California

  Truer words have never been spoken.

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  (260): Vodka is such a love hate relationship. (661): Truer words have never been spoken. http://tfl.nu/p042
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  (310): View more from California

  i fucked a milf yesterday.

  (619): View more from California

  i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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  (310): i fucked a milf yesterday. (619): i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old. http://tfl.nu/l3df
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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  (810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

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  (248): I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now http://tfl.nu/d0ke
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem

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  (804): third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem http://tfl.nu/lhco
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Yeah, but four times?

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  (702): Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it. (1-702): Yeah, but four times? http://tfl.nu/x8r7
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

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  (917): I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee. http://tfl.nu/dm1b
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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  (860): letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs http://tfl.nu/yswk
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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  (219): My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout? http://tfl.nu/0knj
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  (325): View more from Texas

  I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

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  (325): I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well. http://tfl.nu/zrfa
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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  (303): How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend http://tfl.nu/ip7i
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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  (613): ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money. http://tfl.nu/in19
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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  (402): All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was http://tfl.nu/p0yn
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  How was the bike ride?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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  (734): How was the bike ride? (1-734): Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups. http://tfl.nu/2qrl
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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  (402): In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck. http://tfl.nu/gl2y
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  (310): View more from California

  Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

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  (310): Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly. http://tfl.nu/9x6b
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number

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  (617): i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number http://tfl.nu/mfjx
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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  (774): well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday. http://tfl.nu/vkd1
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

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  (509): Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made. http://tfl.nu/ax9s
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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  (812): My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too. http://tfl.nu/4mju
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze

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  (224): Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze http://tfl.nu/j7ix
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  (315): View more from New York

  Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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  (315): Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka.. http://tfl.nu/lv2f
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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  (608): The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer. http://tfl.nu/u1k3
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???

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  (702): If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy??? http://tfl.nu/4rkp
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  (530): View more from California

  There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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  (530): There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them http://tfl.nu/te5k
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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  (603): im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too http://tfl.nu/8x1l
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  (817): View more from Texas

  you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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  (817): you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit. http://tfl.nu/6hvl
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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  (519): You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do. http://tfl.nu/ggug
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  (801): View more from Utah

  we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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  (801): we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha http://tfl.nu/k58e
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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  (775): So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again. http://tfl.nu/ocrt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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  (269): I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life. http://tfl.nu/x5qx
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.

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  (414): Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done. http://tfl.nu/pg78
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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  (715): isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month http://tfl.nu/ybux
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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  (517): this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year http://tfl.nu/tikr
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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  (970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

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  (617): I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness http://tfl.nu/m7sl
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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  (954): Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency. http://tfl.nu/gvbc
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.

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  (843): It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora. http://tfl.nu/zv3b
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend

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  (412): He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend http://tfl.nu/zd33
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  (714): View more from California

  You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

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  (714): You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that http://tfl.nu/q1k2
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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  (503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal http://tfl.nu/qwe2
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  (518): View more from New York

  I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before

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  (518): I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before http://tfl.nu/9107
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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  (404): I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do. http://tfl.nu/0i65
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...

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  (517): I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night... http://tfl.nu/z2d7
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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  (515): Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him. http://tfl.nu/tve9
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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  (804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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  (203): They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court. http://tfl.nu/8rt0
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

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  (845): Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success http://tfl.nu/8g5x
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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  (623): I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take. http://tfl.nu/lajr
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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  (215): I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart. http://tfl.nu/liah
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.

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  (469): Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels. http://tfl.nu/rynp
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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  (970): Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well. http://tfl.nu/7lfy
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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  (402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst
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  (716): View more from New York

  just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.

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  (716): just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars. http://tfl.nu/fh2v
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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  (850): You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus. http://tfl.nu/vr5q
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Joe or Chris?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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  (314): I hate the hobo that sits outside our building (1-314): Joe or Chris? (314): do i even wanna kno y u kno their names? (1-314): well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye. http://tfl.nu/9vla
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  succeeding

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  (781): we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives? (910): succeeding http://tfl.nu/avwv
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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  (301): Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today http://tfl.nu/gkj4
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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  (269): Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option. http://tfl.nu/dknj
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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  (610): You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol. http://tfl.nu/qjw2
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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  (773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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  (231): i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget http://tfl.nu/6lyk
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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  (208): On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you? http://tfl.nu/5voi
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.

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  (732): obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong. http://tfl.nu/4d0b
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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  (603): I forgot how few teeth there are in this state... http://tfl.nu/03va
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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  (405): i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk? http://tfl.nu/idqr
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  yeah thats usually a good indication.

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  (317): i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face.. (1-317): yeah thats usually a good indication. http://tfl.nu/79nx
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  can I come stay the night

  (217): View more from Illinois

  yeah, but no sex tonight

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'll stay home

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  (810): can I come stay the night (217): yeah, but no sex tonight (810): I'll stay home http://tfl.nu/tu8g
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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  (917): so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style http://tfl.nu/9r5x
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.

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  (724): are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations. http://tfl.nu/i5jg
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  (562): View more from California

  not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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  (562): not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it. http://tfl.nu/xhfr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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  (808): white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month" http://tfl.nu/8vpl
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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  (816): Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned. http://tfl.nu/ygc3
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.

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  (847): oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame. http://tfl.nu/543s
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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  (405): I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny. http://tfl.nu/uleh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

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  (203): that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/oyv6
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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  (859): Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things. http://tfl.nu/chhw
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

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  (541): I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with http://tfl.nu/nhts
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  We better fuck soon then

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  (609): I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again. (201): We better fuck soon then http://tfl.nu/yyxr
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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  (973): grab my backpack.....its in the fridge http://tfl.nu/prjt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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  (773): She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs http://tfl.nu/4ami
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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  (843): when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home. http://tfl.nu/096s
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  (850): View more from Florida

  some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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  (850): some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face. http://tfl.nu/tn6y
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  (845): View more from New York

  Because ur a stupid bitch

  (1-845): View more from New York

  Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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  (845): Because ur a stupid bitch (1-845): Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch. http://tfl.nu/0sjk
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

  (904): View more from Florida

  FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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  (614): Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing. (904): FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift http://tfl.nu/ws8p
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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  (908): how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer? http://tfl.nu/a07e
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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  (720): so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass http://tfl.nu/kbrv
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  (914): View more from New York

  i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

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  (914): i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros http://tfl.nu/6mrs
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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  (260): Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens. http://tfl.nu/pxin
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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  (914): I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me http://tfl.nu/jvjy
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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  (931): drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/1e3m
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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  (703): Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall http://tfl.nu/bqaz
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

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  (410): I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve. http://tfl.nu/3z74
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  (925): View more from California

  DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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  (925): DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR http://tfl.nu/ynfk
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  True romance of the 21st century.

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  (410): He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too. (1-410): True romance of the 21st century. http://tfl.nu/laza
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

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  (405): i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes http://tfl.nu/6w2z
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Grandpa would have been proud

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  (815): Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out. (815): Grandpa would have been proud http://tfl.nu/nrjc
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  (315): View more from New York

  They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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  (315): They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it. http://tfl.nu/5i1a
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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  (412): Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+? http://tfl.nu/fsug
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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  (201): Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable. http://tfl.nu/oy8s
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin

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  (203): Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin http://tfl.nu/pqe0
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman

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  (703): he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman http://tfl.nu/zmqz
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.

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  (856): this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes. http://tfl.nu/955p
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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  (814): What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners." (423): Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A. (814): No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay. http://tfl.nu/o5wb
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket

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  (615): i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket http://tfl.nu/krhl
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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  (781): the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator http://tfl.nu/8mwn
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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  (360): Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/jop2
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.

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  (+44): chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome. http://tfl.nu/vhpn
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.

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  (201): I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself. http://tfl.nu/c8lm
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.

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  (270): I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world. http://tfl.nu/l4ml
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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  (303): just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals http://tfl.nu/h68j
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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  (215): some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him http://tfl.nu/gsvg
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  What the fuck?

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  (406): Its weird to pet your cat with a boner (1-406): What the fuck? http://tfl.nu/9pm4
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.

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  (336): I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver. http://tfl.nu/y72r
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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  (816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face" http://tfl.nu/0o08
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.

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  (313): Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack. http://tfl.nu/j0gt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I intend to get homeless drunk

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  (403): I intend to get homeless drunk http://tfl.nu/9yk9
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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  (813): I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this? http://tfl.nu/o9lt
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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  (435): Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much' http://tfl.nu/b5vr
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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  (414): My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat http://tfl.nu/5lfj
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.

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  (570): Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning. http://tfl.nu/1c0i
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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  (203): There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/0we4
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  (949): View more from California

  I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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  (949): I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird. http://tfl.nu/xcpk
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.

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  (814): Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside. http://tfl.nu/psku
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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  (732): i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter http://tfl.nu/90no
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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  (605): i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here." http://tfl.nu/dk13
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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  (610): As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet. http://tfl.nu/swmp
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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  (443): dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though. http://tfl.nu/36m5
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  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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  (585): Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either. http://tfl.nu/3i4x
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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  (202): I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking." http://tfl.nu/oftj
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.

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  (202): Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic. http://tfl.nu/byt1
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  (310): View more from California

  So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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  (310): So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned? http://tfl.nu/6bz7
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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  (662): I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits" http://tfl.nu/79pd
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.

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  (443): Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit. http://tfl.nu/7z3f
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  (518): View more from New York

  med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.

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  (518): med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV. http://tfl.nu/e3eb
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.

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  (615): I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line. http://tfl.nu/o0b8
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

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  (407): Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast. http://tfl.nu/8b17
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.

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  (410): I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night. http://tfl.nu/medf
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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  (706): Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession? http://tfl.nu/ohzs
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house

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  (931): I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house http://tfl.nu/8rln
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

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  (978): almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card http://tfl.nu/wy4z
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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  (215): I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk. http://tfl.nu/289e
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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  (203): Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water http://tfl.nu/s84f
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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  (816): dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock... (1-816): Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings. (816): that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it. http://tfl.nu/66g0
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.

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  (313): Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays. http://tfl.nu/zion
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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  (603): got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes" http://tfl.nu/m7wu
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  (646): View more from New York

  I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night

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  (646): I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night http://tfl.nu/kb2l
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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  (303): You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat. (1-303): ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent. http://tfl.nu/2smi
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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  (413): She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list http://tfl.nu/8owq
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

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  (314): Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?' http://tfl.nu/xaro
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.

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  (330): All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game. http://tfl.nu/3l6w
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.

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  (845): Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka. http://tfl.nu/zb0y
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  (707): View more from California

  i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting

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  (707): i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting http://tfl.nu/gfmw
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

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  (917): Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it http://tfl.nu/sdds
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.

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  (314): I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk. http://tfl.nu/s5cc
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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  (614): trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room. http://tfl.nu/9qb1
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

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  (214): Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that http://tfl.nu/hzhm
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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  (847): I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night. http://tfl.nu/upkg
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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  (616): our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time. http://tfl.nu/fvgl
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

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  (301): Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning. http://tfl.nu/0np0
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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  (502): there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me. http://tfl.nu/l22j
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  How did your new apartment party go last night?

  (219): View more from Indiana

  I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.

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  (812): How did your new apartment party go last night? (219): I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in. http://tfl.nu/upa6
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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  (913): Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount. http://tfl.nu/7zsg
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  (516): View more from New York

  Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

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  (516): Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn" http://tfl.nu/e8ge
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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  (248): Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/ywit
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

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  (919): my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now. http://tfl.nu/dua1
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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  (610): I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode http://tfl.nu/uv7a
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.

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  (256): It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops. http://tfl.nu/42cm
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

  (630): View more from Illinois

  just thought you should know her name is kristen

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  (630): the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me. (630): just thought you should know her name is kristen http://tfl.nu/a2dg
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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  (305): you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out http://tfl.nu/dfjh
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  (607): View more from New York

  you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later

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  (607): you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later http://tfl.nu/x9e9
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

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  (412): I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8. http://tfl.nu/h2aq
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.

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  (201): It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers. http://tfl.nu/1fi2
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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  (913): I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself http://tfl.nu/n2u9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too

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  (703): well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too http://tfl.nu/1ldg
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game

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  (302): I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game http://tfl.nu/wh7c
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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  (865): Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store? http://tfl.nu/4sw9
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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  (214): I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat http://tfl.nu/a753
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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  (617): I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree http://tfl.nu/6ra8
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

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  (623): Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy. http://tfl.nu/cg4z
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  (650): View more from California

  areolas are like halos for boobs.

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  (650): areolas are like halos for boobs. http://tfl.nu/m02r
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.

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  (410): i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break. http://tfl.nu/ccu2
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  (408): View more from California

  you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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  (408): you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later" http://tfl.nu/6byl
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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  (575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe
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  (310): View more from California

  I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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  (310): I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet. http://tfl.nu/z51s
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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  (910): He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn. http://tfl.nu/hrhg
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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  (940): I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night... http://tfl.nu/gxgg
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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  (701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.

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  (917): Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick. http://tfl.nu/d1ac
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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  (217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9
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  (716): View more from New York

  the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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  (716): the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is.. http://tfl.nu/mon5
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm

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  (508): Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm http://tfl.nu/fqql
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...

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  (614): Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write... http://tfl.nu/09db
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

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  (919): okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth. http://tfl.nu/6w2r
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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  (860): And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that http://tfl.nu/ubil
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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  (608): This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night. http://tfl.nu/r58q
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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  (303): I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder. http://tfl.nu/f12p
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  (631): View more from New York

  this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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  (631): this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed http://tfl.nu/rgow
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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  (618): So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in. http://tfl.nu/s63a
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

  (206): View more from Washington

  do it. it's every man's dream.

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  (425): i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?" (206): do it. it's every man's dream. http://tfl.nu/a31t
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

  (1-305): View more from Florida

  Seriously?

  (305): View more from Florida

  100%

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  (305): I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox? (1-305): Seriously? (305): 100% http://tfl.nu/w2fu
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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  (203): Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet. http://tfl.nu/z4ao
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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  (412): I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people." http://tfl.nu/j747
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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  (816): Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe http://tfl.nu/ye00
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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  (417): I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka (479): I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once http://tfl.nu/xq51
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  (760): View more from California

  so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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  (760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A

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  (603): i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A http://tfl.nu/1ey6
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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  (262): I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf http://tfl.nu/oxnj
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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  (941): I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever. http://tfl.nu/ukm2
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.

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  (601): I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk. http://tfl.nu/k978
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  (631): View more from New York

  Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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  (631): Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again... http://tfl.nu/fuha
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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  (847): I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note. http://tfl.nu/4rpl
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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  (314): Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one. http://tfl.nu/fj7c
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  (786): View more from Florida

  All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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  (786): All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber" http://tfl.nu/jvct
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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  (330): just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this. http://tfl.nu/6gzz
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.

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  (401): you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it. http://tfl.nu/ggt5
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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  (219): i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her http://tfl.nu/s6o1
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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  (317): he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed http://tfl.nu/zklq
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  (904): View more from Florida

  We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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  (904): We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple http://tfl.nu/4e1c
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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  (608): Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her. http://tfl.nu/6qpw
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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  (781): I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing. http://tfl.nu/7fgj
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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  (781): Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him. http://tfl.nu/iiv7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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  (617): She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl. http://tfl.nu/oaik
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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  (262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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  (828): Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico. http://tfl.nu/ifni
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.

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  (603): Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me. http://tfl.nu/c00l
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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  (404): Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon. http://tfl.nu/d58s
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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  (423): headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home http://tfl.nu/dqj3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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  (423): my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg http://tfl.nu/cjr9
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (845): View more from New York

  So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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  (845): So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation. http://tfl.nu/fvna
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

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  (304): Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead http://tfl.nu/8a8b
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

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  (785): turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high http://tfl.nu/v57y
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  At least I've made one childhood dream come true

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  (321): Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted. (321): At least I've made one childhood dream come true http://tfl.nu/dhs4
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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  (248): If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme. http://tfl.nu/8vj2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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  (617): i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no. http://tfl.nu/n7ti
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes

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  (903): I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes http://tfl.nu/cr2r
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  (916): View more from California

  She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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  (916): She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad http://tfl.nu/bnzk
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.

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  (214): Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better. http://tfl.nu/wgom
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

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  (440): Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs http://tfl.nu/58d0
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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  (610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.

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  (320): That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying. http://tfl.nu/lgsw
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  (631): View more from New York

  My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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  (631): My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you. http://tfl.nu/4nkq
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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  (814): dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out. http://tfl.nu/nbi4
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You make your fellow Jews happy.

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  (412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more. (1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. http://tfl.nu/gpio
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.

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  (630): Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening. http://tfl.nu/nbt7
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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  (905): i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night http://tfl.nu/m366
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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  (425): It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down. http://tfl.nu/xg1z
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  (716): View more from New York

  Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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  (716): Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten. http://tfl.nu/4lci
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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  (360): I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room http://tfl.nu/ooda
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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  (204): I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover http://tfl.nu/k1fy
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  whats a bus flip?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  idk but apparently i invented it

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  (225): i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip (1-225): whats a bus flip? (225): idk but apparently i invented it http://tfl.nu/n87k
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here

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  (850): Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here http://tfl.nu/hhg1
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

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  (203): We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad? http://tfl.nu/ilwk
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  (585): View more from New York

  ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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  (585): ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried http://tfl.nu/b5zu
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  (845): View more from New York

  I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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  (845): I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!" http://tfl.nu/kl2h
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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  (219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9
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  (210): View more from Texas

  happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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  (210): happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal. http://tfl.nu/4nij
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  (914): View more from New York

  at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.

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  (914): at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors. http://tfl.nu/h61j
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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  (954): i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed. http://tfl.nu/a1x5
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  What's going on tomorrow?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nothing, it's Wednesday

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  (913): Let's make jello shots for tomorrow (1-913): What's going on tomorrow? (913): Nothing, it's Wednesday http://tfl.nu/pnp1
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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  (506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.

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  (313): So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial. http://tfl.nu/zbd1
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  (646): View more from New York

  Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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  (646): Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too. http://tfl.nu/dkri
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We should party with her soon

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  (651): She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death. (715): We should party with her soon http://tfl.nu/q1hq
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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  (847): 2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck. http://tfl.nu/qowh
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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  (972): I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were. http://tfl.nu/ckqe
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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  (504): I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna. http://tfl.nu/vetf
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

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  (609): Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock http://tfl.nu/dnop
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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  (828): Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom? http://tfl.nu/y1hl
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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  (732): I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there. http://tfl.nu/dxiw
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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  (770): At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night. http://tfl.nu/xigq
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

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  (309): it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with... http://tfl.nu/q2va
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

  (678): View more from Georgia

  So... What happend then?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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  (404): She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating" (678): So... What happend then? (404): We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM. http://tfl.nu/3t62
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.

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  (586): there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control. http://tfl.nu/uxm4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  fair is fair

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  (610): we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it (484): fair is fair http://tfl.nu/tm5x
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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  (704): It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States. http://tfl.nu/t1qp
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  (214): View more from Texas

  new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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  (214): new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5. http://tfl.nu/1dnu
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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  (978): i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party http://tfl.nu/osnp
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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  (860): Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica http://tfl.nu/womi
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  (409): View more from Texas

  white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

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  (409): white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character http://tfl.nu/8uci
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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  (317): sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president" http://tfl.nu/8jue
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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  (970): Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese. http://tfl.nu/mdbn
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?

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  (616): whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name? http://tfl.nu/f6w0
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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  (630): I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building. http://tfl.nu/xm6j
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  (716): View more from New York

  as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

  (1-716): View more from New York

  momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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  (716): as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack. (1-716): momma always taught us never to change for a boy.. http://tfl.nu/3cjy
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.

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  (203): On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk. http://tfl.nu/7fnb
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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  (519): dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes http://tfl.nu/xjd2
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  (646): View more from New York

  You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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  (646): You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/aqj7
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  (949): View more from California

  We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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  (949): We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations http://tfl.nu/lsw6
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

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  (478): She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks http://tfl.nu/vee8
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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  (608): do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life? http://tfl.nu/au0e
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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  (503): Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were http://tfl.nu/3ofv
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  (858): View more from California

  I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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  (858): I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way. http://tfl.nu/w85x
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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  (269): I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck. http://tfl.nu/534s
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  (727): View more from Florida

  In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.

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  (727): In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up. http://tfl.nu/1vdz
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.

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  (602): i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule. http://tfl.nu/edaa
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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  (815): I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe. http://tfl.nu/z3x3
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero

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  (859): Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero http://tfl.nu/5voz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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  (512): its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video http://tfl.nu/p3je
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?

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  (662): I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week? http://tfl.nu/iksy
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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  (703): I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense http://tfl.nu/aaqg
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

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  (512): We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment. http://tfl.nu/imr3
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

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  (918): My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost. http://tfl.nu/50uv
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  (760): View more from California

  For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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  (760): For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad". http://tfl.nu/gpn1
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.

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  (405): Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime. http://tfl.nu/065d
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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  (919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.

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  (918): On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break. http://tfl.nu/zpw8
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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  (318): He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later." http://tfl.nu/4lz3
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia