I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate