I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
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For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
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