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Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm just crazy horny about you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I don't deserve a penis
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
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