capt0bv10u5's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on. http://tfl.nu/1jft
  Replies (10) Good night (1230) Bad night (304) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill. http://tfl.nu/ghyy
  Replies (0) Good night (531) Bad night (151) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right? http://tfl.nu/rafd
  Replies (3) Good night (449) Bad night (166) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm in love.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot. (630): I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/l0w2
  Replies (3) Good night (1208) Bad night (201)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life. http://tfl.nu/3wcp
  Replies (4) Good night (930) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes. (901): But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes. http://tfl.nu/ipaj
  Replies (4) Good night (813) Bad night (164)
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards. http://tfl.nu/tzzb
  Replies (6) Good night (662) Bad night (270) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it. http://tfl.nu/2oiv
  Replies (4) Good night (274) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP. http://tfl.nu/97xo
  Replies (7) Good night (2173) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk. http://tfl.nu/m630
  Replies (7) Good night (1176) Bad night (199)
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it. http://tfl.nu/r24g
  Replies (6) Good night (266) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (693): View more from

  You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (693): You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml http://tfl.nu/qfop
  Replies (4) Good night (232) Bad night (412)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina http://tfl.nu/287f
  Replies (18) Good night (242) Bad night (1607) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far http://tfl.nu/ylx6
  Replies (1) Good night (657) Bad night (168) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night http://tfl.nu/qfjr
  Replies (4) Good night (1133) Bad night (167) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (787): I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure http://tfl.nu/bq2q
  Replies (2) Good night (195) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later... http://tfl.nu/qijg
  Replies (4) Good night (795) Bad night (179)
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,". http://tfl.nu/dg58
  Replies (8) Good night (369) Bad night (570)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything http://tfl.nu/gg1p
  Replies (6) Good night (1052) Bad night (167)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree. http://tfl.nu/17st
  Replies (4) Good night (748) Bad night (136) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe. http://tfl.nu/1u5h
  Replies (12) Good night (2447) Bad night (237)
• Favorite

  (779): View more from Illinois

  I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (779): I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs http://tfl.nu/n819
  Replies (8) Good night (1935) Bad night (214) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life http://tfl.nu/dpod
  Replies (6) Good night (391) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher. http://tfl.nu/t3xh
  Replies (8) Good night (767) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words" http://tfl.nu/ql9t
  Replies (2) Good night (652) Bad night (257) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10 http://tfl.nu/8aoh
  Replies (2) Good night (507) Bad night (189) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night. http://tfl.nu/smsc
  Replies (5) Good night (228) Bad night (538)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again. http://tfl.nu/b8kl
  Replies (2) Good night (901) Bad night (141) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds. http://tfl.nu/3cpt
  Replies (6) Good night (1079) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Be safe. And I hate you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND! (1-404): Be safe. And I hate you. http://tfl.nu/32xo
  Replies (3) Good night (1009) Bad night (191)
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies. http://tfl.nu/mgn4
  Replies (1) Good night (342) Bad night (673)
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night... http://tfl.nu/5nvm
  Replies (4) Good night (341) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.

  (912): View more from Georgia

  I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away. (912): I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision http://tfl.nu/a7l8
  Replies (5) Good night (951) Bad night (156)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring http://tfl.nu/8ezz
  Replies (4) Good night (617) Bad night (204) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Especially drunk mermaids.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck. (208): Especially drunk mermaids. http://tfl.nu/soai
  Replies (8) Good night (1025) Bad night (212)
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches... http://tfl.nu/4xud
  Replies (9) Good night (798) Bad night (215)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed. http://tfl.nu/08fq
  Replies (2) Good night (544) Bad night (165) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  My vag hurts but I feel vindicated

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  That is an interesting emotion combo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): My vag hurts but I feel vindicated (832): That is an interesting emotion combo http://tfl.nu/j6ty
  Replies (1) Good night (511) Bad night (186)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes. http://tfl.nu/6fin
  Replies (5) Good night (697) Bad night (441)
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation. http://tfl.nu/t4hm
  Replies (4) Good night (1011) Bad night (299) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents http://tfl.nu/rmp2
  Replies (4) Good night (446) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing

  (1-619): View more from California

  Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this

  (619): View more from California

  ...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing (1-619): Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this (619): ...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down... http://tfl.nu/uvgk
  Replies (4) Good night (1031) Bad night (321)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome http://tfl.nu/i2ox
  Replies (3) Good night (295) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!

  (386): View more from Florida

  Gravity is no match for my libido

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work! (386): Gravity is no match for my libido http://tfl.nu/l272
  Replies (2) Good night (773) Bad night (216)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted. http://tfl.nu/jl70
  Replies (6) Good night (1256) Bad night (284)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay (602): I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay" http://tfl.nu/cfbv
  Replies (20) Good night (3974) Bad night (713)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer. http://tfl.nu/ubeq
  Replies (31) Good night (3056) Bad night (1179) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d" http://tfl.nu/qasx
  Replies (7) Good night (2766) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill? http://tfl.nu/quyz
  Replies (11) Good night (1452) Bad night (566)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike... http://tfl.nu/h9ar
  Replies (10) Good night (1116) Bad night (3789) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship. http://tfl.nu/h697
  Replies (56) Good night (703) Bad night (4735) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.

  (512): View more from Texas

  Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night. (512): Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there. http://tfl.nu/r01e
  Replies (4) Good night (1814) Bad night (263)
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  You are my mentor.

  (276): View more from Virginia

  I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): You are my mentor. (276): I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement. http://tfl.nu/qxu9
  Replies (4) Good night (1046) Bad night (217)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I didn't notice because vodka

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I didn't notice because vodka http://tfl.nu/t52z
  Replies (3) Good night (1314) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie http://tfl.nu/otf2
  Replies (7) Good night (1045) Bad night (257) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank? http://tfl.nu/yo0k
  Replies (4) Good night (710) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids! (1-803): Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew. http://tfl.nu/h7pj
  Replies (6) Good night (1681) Bad night (407)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now. http://tfl.nu/pc1n
  Replies (8) Good night (1347) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application. http://tfl.nu/49rg
  Replies (1) Good night (710) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before. http://tfl.nu/79xu
  Replies (4) Good night (832) Bad night (191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes. http://tfl.nu/4ozu
  Replies (6) Good night (914) Bad night (270) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits. http://tfl.nu/jw7g
  Replies (3) Good night (298) Bad night (1017)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror http://tfl.nu/ozj2
  Replies (14) Good night (819) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year. http://tfl.nu/1qto
  Replies (3) Good night (723) Bad night (183) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night. http://tfl.nu/jn93
  Replies (1) Good night (239) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten. http://tfl.nu/hxkk
  Replies (1) Good night (1090) Bad night (281)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober http://tfl.nu/5fbb
  Replies (4) Good night (856) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet. http://tfl.nu/uizc
  Replies (16) Good night (2700) Bad night (293) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together. http://tfl.nu/je6r
  Replies (7) Good night (1152) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you. http://tfl.nu/4u5p
  Replies (6) Good night (1782) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present. http://tfl.nu/1iee
  Replies (9) Good night (2293) Bad night (264)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right? (1-270): It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking. http://tfl.nu/u0kh
  Replies (5) Good night (1447) Bad night (244)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare. http://tfl.nu/rbhx
  Replies (3) Good night (1061) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself. http://tfl.nu/1zzq
  Replies (11) Good night (425) Bad night (1499)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons. http://tfl.nu/somr
  Replies (3) Good night (378) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant http://tfl.nu/bd42
  Replies (9) Good night (925) Bad night (534)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did http://tfl.nu/hjy4
  Replies (2) Good night (1216) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (344): View more from

  So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  They're waiting for you to die

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (344): So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof (774): They're waiting for you to die http://tfl.nu/5pk9
  Replies (6) Good night (1849) Bad night (288)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities? http://tfl.nu/uepx
  Replies (4) Good night (932) Bad night (312)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass. http://tfl.nu/ehtn
  Replies (8) Good night (1644) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all. http://tfl.nu/5hyy
  Replies (9) Good night (1936) Bad night (337)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished http://tfl.nu/r8cu
  Replies (14) Good night (1388) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun http://tfl.nu/y2l0
  Replies (6) Good night (1878) Bad night (312)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore. http://tfl.nu/ol80
  Replies (4) Good night (288) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor. http://tfl.nu/6k19
  Replies (2) Good night (805) Bad night (199)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success. http://tfl.nu/py46
  Replies (3) Good night (660) Bad night (241)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine. http://tfl.nu/vcvu
  Replies (0) Good night (760) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever. http://tfl.nu/oprl
  Replies (4) Good night (1184) Bad night (251) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused. http://tfl.nu/l3qm
  Replies (6) Good night (1069) Bad night (337)
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences. http://tfl.nu/x85v
  Replies (2) Good night (406) Bad night (789)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement? (1-570): I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet. http://tfl.nu/p7w6
  Replies (2) Good night (788) Bad night (216)
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): I rocked my own world, he was just a prop. http://tfl.nu/bt1f
  Replies (4) Good night (1437) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting. http://tfl.nu/uwdf
  Replies (1) Good night (954) Bad night (446)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word). http://tfl.nu/10dp
  Replies (8) Good night (727) Bad night (284)
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles? (1-608): Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat http://tfl.nu/wmfp
  Replies (3) Good night (557) Bad night (266) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun http://tfl.nu/taap
  Replies (8) Good night (1042) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  ...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): ...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text http://tfl.nu/8wuc
  Replies (2) Good night (1337) Bad night (225) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy. http://tfl.nu/099u
  Replies (7) Good night (937) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song http://tfl.nu/a91l
  Replies (4) Good night (1247) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage. http://tfl.nu/meih
  Replies (11) Good night (1684) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan. http://tfl.nu/qlyy
  Replies (3) Good night (837) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home. http://tfl.nu/rsl1
  Replies (11) Good night (1257) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued. http://tfl.nu/8osh
  Replies (8) Good night (960) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management. http://tfl.nu/hzvj
  Replies (4) Good night (1164) Bad night (342)
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it http://tfl.nu/hn11
  Replies (6) Good night (1000) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman. (540): Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together http://tfl.nu/87tf
  Replies (3) Good night (839) Bad night (268)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic. http://tfl.nu/fis2
  Replies (3) Good night (998) Bad night (242) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out. http://tfl.nu/fz3p
  Replies (2) Good night (346) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls. http://tfl.nu/6ztr
  Replies (2) Good night (282) Bad night (828) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (224): Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time. http://tfl.nu/eicx
  Replies (6) Good night (940) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it? http://tfl.nu/mo75
  Replies (4) Good night (568) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator http://tfl.nu/9f4r
  Replies (2) Good night (710) Bad night (202) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday.... http://tfl.nu/rigs
  Replies (2) Good night (740) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

  (415): View more from California

  I still don't know how you've lived this long.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time. (415): I still don't know how you've lived this long. http://tfl.nu/6ttn
  Replies (5) Good night (946) Bad night (314)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull. http://tfl.nu/b17w
  Replies (4) Good night (611) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters http://tfl.nu/bqf1
  Replies (7) Good night (966) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head. http://tfl.nu/rwbn
  Replies (11) Good night (2482) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide. http://tfl.nu/564g
  Replies (14) Good night (989) Bad night (615)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist. http://tfl.nu/ae21
  Replies (5) Good night (330) Bad night (1208) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw. http://tfl.nu/4mnb
  Replies (9) Good night (958) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  Does he think you're psycho?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Officially...... yes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new. (1-405): Does he think you're psycho? (405): Officially...... yes. http://tfl.nu/uyur
  Replies (8) Good night (1316) Bad night (287)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again? (416): I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way http://tfl.nu/h01t
  Replies (4) Good night (540) Bad night (890)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  When / where did the additional couches appear?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Additional?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): When / where did the additional couches appear? (732): Additional? (908): James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up. http://tfl.nu/kn0g
  Replies (3) Good night (869) Bad night (259)
• Favorite

  (660): View more from Missouri

  On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (660): On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics. http://tfl.nu/mn1y
  Replies (24) Good night (2536) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again? http://tfl.nu/c4dt
  Replies (4) Good night (1204) Bad night (264)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/je7g
  Replies (2) Good night (1556) Bad night (529)
• Favorite

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (952): You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans. http://tfl.nu/wpte
  Replies (5) Good night (749) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  Thats why they were on the balcony!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was (1-250): Thats why they were on the balcony! http://tfl.nu/y0xc
  Replies (0) Good night (1264) Bad night (235)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever http://tfl.nu/y8hk
  Replies (29) Good night (2471) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time. http://tfl.nu/nvbm
  Replies (11) Good night (975) Bad night (302)
• Favorite

  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+27): Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast http://tfl.nu/wh5g
  Replies (2) Good night (1289) Bad night (294) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex. http://tfl.nu/wykh
  Replies (4) Good night (1210) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  NoShamevember. You game?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): NoShamevember. You game? http://tfl.nu/f24z
  Replies (2) Good night (905) Bad night (321) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  This is why I married you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning. (479): Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight? (1-479): This is why I married you. http://tfl.nu/g5es
  Replies (4) Good night (2520) Bad night (300)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in http://tfl.nu/7o0k
  Replies (11) Good night (534) Bad night (1213)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me. http://tfl.nu/nrl0
  Replies (11) Good night (1396) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I drink to make the karaoke go away.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): I drink to make the karaoke go away. http://tfl.nu/0jio
  Replies (6) Good night (752) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice. http://tfl.nu/f46v
  Replies (6) Good night (1357) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in. http://tfl.nu/k5k2
  Replies (11) Good night (2145) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground? http://tfl.nu/za9i
  Replies (19) Good night (1041) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit. http://tfl.nu/1gr7
  Replies (8) Good night (296) Bad night (1040) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica. http://tfl.nu/fg5p
  Replies (4) Good night (773) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could." http://tfl.nu/hbr4
  Replies (2) Good night (435) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW??? http://tfl.nu/wpwb
  Replies (5) Good night (486) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag. http://tfl.nu/w2wq
  Replies (3) Good night (873) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe" http://tfl.nu/2m07
  Replies (7) Good night (1328) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape http://tfl.nu/a8x6
  Replies (3) Good night (390) Bad night (1137) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited. http://tfl.nu/g03h
  Replies (13) Good night (3653) Bad night (262) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  RESPECT THE VODQUILA

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again (1-206): RESPECT THE VODQUILA http://tfl.nu/on0c
  Replies (4) Good night (1197) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help. http://tfl.nu/jai4
  Replies (13) Good night (1669) Bad night (262)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole? http://tfl.nu/dt20
  Replies (5) Good night (810) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause. http://tfl.nu/cvb4
  Replies (2) Good night (809) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven http://tfl.nu/577t
  Replies (4) Good night (1060) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change http://tfl.nu/0eyu
  Replies (1) Good night (762) Bad night (251)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing. http://tfl.nu/8zr7
  Replies (3) Good night (1619) Bad night (265)
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila. http://tfl.nu/gkow
  Replies (6) Good night (722) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD http://tfl.nu/fbed
  Replies (14) Good night (1039) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building http://tfl.nu/j4tq
  Replies (1) Good night (625) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it. http://tfl.nu/jpqq
  Replies (4) Good night (661) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking. http://tfl.nu/mu8a
  Replies (3) Good night (969) Bad night (231) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest http://tfl.nu/6n7k
  Replies (4) Good night (1464) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud http://tfl.nu/kyzh
  Replies (3) Good night (1234) Bad night (247) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor. http://tfl.nu/j4bf
  Replies (13) Good night (2366) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers http://tfl.nu/wazn
  Replies (6) Good night (1246) Bad night (248) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy. http://tfl.nu/gke1
  Replies (12) Good night (2190) Bad night (300)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy! http://tfl.nu/gv3p
  Replies (10) Good night (1087) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!! http://tfl.nu/4cxl
  Replies (7) Good night (578) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night. http://tfl.nu/cf48
  Replies (5) Good night (1182) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step" http://tfl.nu/eora
  Replies (2) Good night (867) Bad night (238) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend?? http://tfl.nu/xsua
  Replies (6) Good night (656) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night http://tfl.nu/338b
  Replies (9) Good night (1349) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.

  (1-229): View more from Georgia

  I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier. (1-229): I feel like I got ass raped in the brain. http://tfl.nu/l1ue
  Replies (15) Good night (715) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this. http://tfl.nu/a4t5
  Replies (8) Good night (1204) Bad night (273) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night. http://tfl.nu/z7o8
  Replies (8) Good night (920) Bad night (239)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards http://tfl.nu/vn30
  Replies (2) Good night (1165) Bad night (267) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): 2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay. http://tfl.nu/1m5k
  Replies (26) Good night (1592) Bad night (642) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Post that event on your timeline

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina (513): Post that event on your timeline http://tfl.nu/4t95
  Replies (31) Good night (1520) Bad night (308)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me http://tfl.nu/sahk
  Replies (19) Good night (1645) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow! http://tfl.nu/cfk1
  Replies (10) Good night (2061) Bad night (335) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget http://tfl.nu/57ot
  Replies (10) Good night (407) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future. http://tfl.nu/v5m6
  Replies (10) Good night (1471) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light. http://tfl.nu/1kuc
  Replies (8) Good night (1495) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK. http://tfl.nu/uhfo
  Replies (5) Good night (1264) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (574): View more from Indiana

  Whiskey??

  (706): View more from Georgia

  It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (574): Whiskey?? (706): It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale... http://tfl.nu/yixa
  Replies (2) Good night (623) Bad night (862)
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  I'll uninvite my mom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis. (1-989): I'll uninvite my mom http://tfl.nu/cezv
  Replies (5) Good night (1411) Bad night (285) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will http://tfl.nu/3pox
  Replies (4) Good night (782) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it. http://tfl.nu/i1s8
  Replies (8) Good night (1411) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed. http://tfl.nu/4uwe
  Replies (7) Good night (2394) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits. http://tfl.nu/1m96
  Replies (3) Good night (1012) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool http://tfl.nu/x8lz
  Replies (5) Good night (1013) Bad night (303) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.

  (1-601): View more from Mississippi

  Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench. (1-601): Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan? http://tfl.nu/mbl9
  Replies (17) Good night (1903) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location. http://tfl.nu/ak9e
  Replies (8) Good night (1114) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night. http://tfl.nu/mkun
  Replies (7) Good night (699) Bad night (1222) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Seriously. Castrate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you (303): Seriously. Castrate. http://tfl.nu/qjql
  Replies (4) Good night (485) Bad night (728)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants

  (812): View more from Indiana

  That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants (812): That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub. http://tfl.nu/6wmx
  Replies (2) Good night (1013) Bad night (337)
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes! http://tfl.nu/5w2r
  Replies (5) Good night (1562) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay http://tfl.nu/j10h
  Replies (4) Good night (2241) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!" http://tfl.nu/8nad
  Replies (4) Good night (1397) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): whoa! who said he's my boyfriend? (1-306): Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina. http://tfl.nu/k1yy
  Replies (7) Good night (2650) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs" http://tfl.nu/gwkh
  Replies (4) Good night (1460) Bad night (341)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them? http://tfl.nu/lznr
  Replies (9) Good night (1231) Bad night (274) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it

  (708): View more from Illinois

  So thats why that cop beat my ass?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Probably

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it (708): So thats why that cop beat my ass? (630): Probably http://tfl.nu/659z
  Replies (7) Good night (2096) Bad night (564)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me? http://tfl.nu/mi92
  Replies (9) Good night (609) Bad night (4228) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome (1-917): second-hand sex is fun, isn't it? http://tfl.nu/9p74
  Replies (16) Good night (1523) Bad night (463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits. http://tfl.nu/ddql
  Replies (6) Good night (1319) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  A BJ like that needs to be recommended.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): A BJ like that needs to be recommended. http://tfl.nu/olb7
  Replies (11) Good night (1397) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air. http://tfl.nu/rzj6
  Replies (3) Good night (1115) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence http://tfl.nu/qzxi
  Replies (3) Good night (1504) Bad night (435)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab. (617): What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family! http://tfl.nu/wlta
  Replies (16) Good night (3692) Bad night (531)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again http://tfl.nu/n6kd
  Replies (29) Good night (1764) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary. http://tfl.nu/ro1x
  Replies (3) Good night (436) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult. http://tfl.nu/kp39
  Replies (6) Good night (1417) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike. http://tfl.nu/7q3x
  Replies (2) Good night (906) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck? http://tfl.nu/zk7d
  Replies (13) Good night (3450) Bad night (533)
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused http://tfl.nu/1156
  Replies (13) Good night (1803) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits http://tfl.nu/1cr3
  Replies (5) Good night (604) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level. http://tfl.nu/wvpb
  Replies (3) Good night (937) Bad night (425) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video... http://tfl.nu/iq5u
  Replies (5) Good night (2095) Bad night (395)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out. (303): Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do. http://tfl.nu/z2aq
  Replies (3) Good night (1889) Bad night (482)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on. http://tfl.nu/zmme
  Replies (17) Good night (3412) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (956): View more from Texas

  WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (956): WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?! http://tfl.nu/nv7y
  Replies (12) Good night (1672) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party. http://tfl.nu/ny5q
  Replies (5) Good night (1488) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Love me.

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just for one nugget?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Love me. (781): GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS. (508): Just for one nugget? http://tfl.nu/9y03
  Replies (6) Good night (2592) Bad night (570)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight? http://tfl.nu/lpr7
  Replies (5) Good night (1037) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights. http://tfl.nu/9jzc
  Replies (6) Good night (1038) Bad night (338)
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him. http://tfl.nu/9uqa
  Replies (15) Good night (1958) Bad night (664)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot. http://tfl.nu/64ct
  Replies (14) Good night (2270) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands. http://tfl.nu/oa75
  Replies (6) Good night (1265) Bad night (549)
• Favorite

  (587): View more from Alberta

  So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (587): So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes. (403): Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck http://tfl.nu/3zrr
  Replies (7) Good night (1521) Bad night (823)
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked. http://tfl.nu/l7dr
  Replies (7) Good night (1309) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask? http://tfl.nu/p3wm
  Replies (3) Good night (1185) Bad night (315) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it. http://tfl.nu/c8t4
  Replies (13) Good night (2048) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort. http://tfl.nu/9819
  Replies (1) Good night (1046) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life? http://tfl.nu/01wo
  Replies (7) Good night (1029) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off. http://tfl.nu/6qfp
  Replies (7) Good night (1502) Bad night (438)
• Favorite

  (575): View more from New Mexico

  It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (575): It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest. http://tfl.nu/dnlf
  Replies (10) Good night (1468) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good" http://tfl.nu/jrza
  Replies (13) Good night (1602) Bad night (645)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is http://tfl.nu/znts
  Replies (1) Good night (1217) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom http://tfl.nu/16e5
  Replies (5) Good night (504) Bad night (1382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand . http://tfl.nu/gg9e
  Replies (22) Good night (950) Bad night (2638)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives http://tfl.nu/b213
  Replies (14) Good night (1140) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on http://tfl.nu/xdbh
  Replies (1) Good night (1048) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that http://tfl.nu/44ly
  Replies (35) Good night (632) Bad night (5417) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door http://tfl.nu/oj7i
  Replies (57) Good night (1411) Bad night (9527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from England

  He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober. http://tfl.nu/8esm
  Replies (70) Good night (1624) Bad night (7453) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft. http://tfl.nu/x178
  Replies (345) Good night (2882) Bad night (17278) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  what type of emt are you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off. (1-860): what type of emt are you http://tfl.nu/8o94
  Replies (4) Good night (1293) Bad night (518)
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  he told me it was like eating gods vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): he told me it was like eating gods vagina. http://tfl.nu/d5n4
  Replies (12) Good night (1260) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to. http://tfl.nu/nnoc
  Replies (20) Good night (3440) Bad night (417) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow http://tfl.nu/l8ph
  Replies (10) Good night (3795) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (731): View more from Tennessee

  She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (731): She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro http://tfl.nu/kq10
  Replies (24) Good night (3990) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him. http://tfl.nu/nzef
  Replies (5) Good night (1021) Bad night (974) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex. http://tfl.nu/5276
  Replies (9) Good night (1564) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy http://tfl.nu/dxdl
  Replies (7) Good night (2281) Bad night (323)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

  (1-443): View more from Maryland

  That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please. (1-443): That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude. http://tfl.nu/3mvf
  Replies (18) Good night (883) Bad night (2481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey? http://tfl.nu/wn19
  Replies (4) Good night (664) Bad night (317) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple http://tfl.nu/sc0u
  Replies (11) Good night (1582) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made. http://tfl.nu/tzd1
  Replies (15) Good night (2338) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY! http://tfl.nu/ts4x
  Replies (7) Good night (877) Bad night (1077) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest. http://tfl.nu/w1i7
  Replies (16) Good night (2428) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts? http://tfl.nu/sh8w
  Replies (13) Good night (1090) Bad night (1149) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties http://tfl.nu/ivn3
  Replies (2) Good night (1256) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined. http://tfl.nu/slim
  Replies (8) Good night (1328) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std http://tfl.nu/52gl
  Replies (14) Good night (463) Bad night (1389)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other. http://tfl.nu/no1k
  Replies (9) Good night (1605) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often http://tfl.nu/nvi7
  Replies (2) Good night (842) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night. http://tfl.nu/4efw
  Replies (13) Good night (632) Bad night (1359)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc. http://tfl.nu/01sm
  Replies (29) Good night (3267) Bad night (445)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call. http://tfl.nu/mofx
  Replies (11) Good night (3466) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD! http://tfl.nu/k4l1
  Replies (14) Good night (965) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): Here's my first problem: I'm drunk http://tfl.nu/3w5g
  Replies (13) Good night (1863) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze. (414): After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned. http://tfl.nu/wsrv
  Replies (6) Good night (1243) Bad night (315)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex. http://tfl.nu/yx96
  Replies (2) Good night (758) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut http://tfl.nu/q1db
  Replies (8) Good night (2477) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood. http://tfl.nu/fkn8
  Replies (10) Good night (1006) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL http://tfl.nu/gpbu
  Replies (6) Good night (1770) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away http://tfl.nu/gctj
  Replies (18) Good night (1561) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/pa6u
  Replies (6) Good night (563) Bad night (1655) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up? http://tfl.nu/celn
  Replies (2) Good night (2086) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/n8th
  Replies (7) Good night (1889) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears. http://tfl.nu/33uz
  Replies (7) Good night (2150) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA. http://tfl.nu/o6qd
  Replies (5) Good night (1088) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth http://tfl.nu/r0sd
  Replies (8) Good night (1414) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge. http://tfl.nu/wjo8
  Replies (3) Good night (1350) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote http://tfl.nu/6a7z
  Replies (5) Good night (1393) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am. http://tfl.nu/roar
  Replies (13) Good night (1771) Bad night (847) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands. http://tfl.nu/2kp5
  Replies (20) Good night (677) Bad night (2531) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:) http://tfl.nu/gxuq
  Replies (2) Good night (1263) Bad night (331) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house. http://tfl.nu/rggh
  Replies (12) Good night (1367) Bad night (372) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement. http://tfl.nu/2735
  Replies (8) Good night (1385) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady. http://tfl.nu/u0md
  Replies (19) Good night (2013) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (786): View more from Florida

  What vodka is american?

  (1-786): View more from Florida

  Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (786): What vodka is american? (1-786): Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july. http://tfl.nu/p6uy
  Replies (11) Good night (1801) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously. http://tfl.nu/aavt
  Replies (6) Good night (1106) Bad night (362) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock" http://tfl.nu/hp1z
  Replies (26) Good night (4634) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation. http://tfl.nu/bilr
  Replies (1) Good night (893) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility http://tfl.nu/15q1
  Replies (7) Good night (1306) Bad night (668)
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.

  (1-631): View more from New York

  I love your life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad. (1-631): I love your life. http://tfl.nu/sy8e
  Replies (10) Good night (1686) Bad night (422)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now. http://tfl.nu/h06b
  Replies (9) Good night (1939) Bad night (417) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete. http://tfl.nu/hi8m
  Replies (3) Good night (1204) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (779): View more from Illinois

  I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (779): I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/p354
  Replies (13) Good night (1834) Bad night (1321) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy. http://tfl.nu/b383
  Replies (11) Good night (2172) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance http://tfl.nu/oovm
  Replies (8) Good night (2018) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear. http://tfl.nu/ktyi
  Replies (20) Good night (699) Bad night (1630) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable. http://tfl.nu/maf5
  Replies (22) Good night (4215) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target. http://tfl.nu/jyhf
  Replies (2) Good night (954) Bad night (351) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now. http://tfl.nu/o3be
  Replies (12) Good night (656) Bad night (1500)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me. http://tfl.nu/tfvw
  Replies (4) Good night (596) Bad night (1359) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN. http://tfl.nu/m6qh
  Replies (7) Good night (921) Bad night (404)
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity http://tfl.nu/y6wz
  Replies (4) Good night (952) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (420): View more from

  Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (420): Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides. http://tfl.nu/bzue
  Replies (5) Good night (1344) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one. http://tfl.nu/zjjj
  Replies (4) Good night (1600) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (787): Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM http://tfl.nu/4phi
  Replies (17) Good night (1386) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
  Replies (16) Good night (4704) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up http://tfl.nu/xoz1
  Replies (9) Good night (1911) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever. http://tfl.nu/25nu
  Replies (6) Good night (1706) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special. http://tfl.nu/erlc
  Replies (8) Good night (3376) Bad night (388)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid. http://tfl.nu/33yz
  Replies (4) Good night (1211) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

  (214): View more from Texas

  I still make more money.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions. (214): I still make more money. http://tfl.nu/pibf
  Replies (6) Good night (2329) Bad night (365)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas. http://tfl.nu/wigg
  Replies (11) Good night (1312) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know http://tfl.nu/3xrv
  Replies (4) Good night (338) Bad night (1946) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made. http://tfl.nu/7051
  Replies (5) Good night (1722) Bad night (403)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes http://tfl.nu/2i45
  Replies (2) Good night (876) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

  (512): View more from Texas

  That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur. (512): That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot? http://tfl.nu/yofn
  Replies (10) Good night (2678) Bad night (502)
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox. http://tfl.nu/4k53
  Replies (4) Good night (1074) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill. http://tfl.nu/mubs
  Replies (6) Good night (852) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS? http://tfl.nu/n2hz
  Replies (11) Good night (2191) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon. http://tfl.nu/kbkd
  Replies (8) Good night (1038) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping. http://tfl.nu/e8qk
  Replies (7) Good night (1641) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame http://tfl.nu/dqi5
  Replies (2) Good night (1607) Bad night (364) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now. http://tfl.nu/19el
  Replies (8) Good night (1431) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  You're gonna judge me.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Howd you sleep with him already

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): You're gonna judge me. (303): Howd you sleep with him already http://tfl.nu/qfz4
  Replies (9) Good night (1866) Bad night (375)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it http://tfl.nu/r81k
  Replies (14) Good night (3130) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover http://tfl.nu/1e3z
  Replies (8) Good night (1185) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke." http://tfl.nu/posr
  Replies (5) Good night (1833) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker http://tfl.nu/4u00
  Replies (16) Good night (1646) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like http://tfl.nu/fep0
  Replies (19) Good night (3205) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you. http://tfl.nu/wiel
  Replies (25) Good night (1254) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/ddwi
  Replies (9) Good night (3520) Bad night (977) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with. http://tfl.nu/r42s
  Replies (13) Good night (2544) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed! http://tfl.nu/9riq
  Replies (5) Good night (967) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List

  (914): View more from New York

  Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List (914): Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired) http://tfl.nu/bfp9
  Replies (28) Good night (1663) Bad night (741)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week http://tfl.nu/ejf9
  Replies (3) Good night (766) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport. http://tfl.nu/pho6
  Replies (12) Good night (735) Bad night (1422)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza. http://tfl.nu/7qtg
  Replies (10) Good night (1072) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift. (972): Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking. http://tfl.nu/jm0q
  Replies (23) Good night (2509) Bad night (542)
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday. http://tfl.nu/s40o
  Replies (15) Good night (2253) Bad night (447)
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus. http://tfl.nu/h461
  Replies (4) Good night (1067) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Sat down on an escalator. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/nzjv
  Replies (6) Good night (1534) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults. http://tfl.nu/yz23
  Replies (4) Good night (2045) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil http://tfl.nu/9nrx
  Replies (7) Good night (875) Bad night (1001) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy http://tfl.nu/y3l1
  Replies (14) Good night (2020) Bad night (539)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  What's the address?

  (626): View more from California

  Too drunk. Just google it.

  (310): View more from California

  IT'S YOUR HOUSE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): What's the address? (626): Too drunk. Just google it. (310): IT'S YOUR HOUSE http://tfl.nu/ymw0
  Replies (5) Good night (2944) Bad night (503)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love http://tfl.nu/brad
  Replies (10) Good night (3389) Bad night (441)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered" http://tfl.nu/7vwf
  Replies (3) Good night (1878) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence http://tfl.nu/48zv
  Replies (3) Good night (1365) Bad night (374) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude? http://tfl.nu/r6rp
  Replies (2) Good night (1042) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent. http://tfl.nu/0vft
  Replies (25) Good night (2253) Bad night (635)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend? http://tfl.nu/zwy0
  Replies (9) Good night (2539) Bad night (464)
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place. http://tfl.nu/9g42
  Replies (6) Good night (1006) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Is that even possible?

  (509): View more from Washington

  I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me. (425): Is that even possible? (509): I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/y48j
  Replies (17) Good night (789) Bad night (2597)
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now http://tfl.nu/chmx
  Replies (7) Good night (1921) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over http://tfl.nu/or3u
  Replies (2) Good night (2190) Bad night (456)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any. http://tfl.nu/bt78
  Replies (17) Good night (574) Bad night (1911) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (432): View more from Texas

  she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (432): she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback. http://tfl.nu/m8zb
  Replies (18) Good night (3596) Bad night (531)
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick. http://tfl.nu/pw1i
  Replies (8) Good night (2459) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off. http://tfl.nu/qi2a
  Replies (16) Good night (1861) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all. http://tfl.nu/00r4
  Replies (13) Good night (2908) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it. http://tfl.nu/p3lc
  Replies (8) Good night (3044) Bad night (443)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents. http://tfl.nu/knds
  Replies (9) Good night (3387) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going.. http://tfl.nu/xhce
  Replies (4) Good night (615) Bad night (1591) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed http://tfl.nu/ggi5
  Replies (13) Good night (1992) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

  (315): View more from New York

  Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch. http://tfl.nu/yk91
  Replies (16) Good night (4073) Bad night (619)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

  (323): View more from California

  If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity." (323): If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing. http://tfl.nu/54s4
  Replies (8) Good night (2703) Bad night (592)
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned. http://tfl.nu/2qpc
  Replies (5) Good night (2060) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think http://tfl.nu/ydqs
  Replies (17) Good night (825) Bad night (2042) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable http://tfl.nu/cclu
  Replies (15) Good night (444) Bad night (4116) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles http://tfl.nu/kz93
  Replies (21) Good night (640) Bad night (2804) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits. http://tfl.nu/8psa
  Replies (2) Good night (1151) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water. http://tfl.nu/39g2
  Replies (11) Good night (589) Bad night (1684) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her http://tfl.nu/d5zb
  Replies (2) Good night (1549) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade" http://tfl.nu/du64
  Replies (3) Good night (1117) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING (1-773): Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time http://tfl.nu/yjp9
  Replies (7) Good night (2285) Bad night (442)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard http://tfl.nu/7qxy
  Replies (5) Good night (2664) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

  (516): View more from New York

  lol... you weighed it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night? (516): lol... you weighed it? http://tfl.nu/fdcm
  Replies (11) Good night (3822) Bad night (590)
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I feel like death gave me a hand job

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): I feel like death gave me a hand job http://tfl.nu/81uy
  Replies (12) Good night (466) Bad night (1457) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila. http://tfl.nu/4mhj
  Replies (3) Good night (1751) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

  (434): View more from Virginia

  Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird. (434): Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls. http://tfl.nu/td3o
  Replies (12) Good night (3262) Bad night (622)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt
  Replies (14) Good night (6236) Bad night (618)
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth? http://tfl.nu/1qlq
  Replies (13) Good night (1572) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  U took a sewing needle to his nipple

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  Psshh,

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): U took a sewing needle to his nipple (1-201): Psshh, http://tfl.nu/q54n
  Replies (5) Good night (625) Bad night (1418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything. http://tfl.nu/wqjw
  Replies (5) Good night (2041) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs http://tfl.nu/j07e
  Replies (1) Good night (1339) Bad night (386) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min. http://tfl.nu/nnq2
  Replies (18) Good night (498) Bad night (1683) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward. http://tfl.nu/8plk
  Replies (33) Good night (2564) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
  Replies (26) Good night (3755) Bad night (634)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie. http://tfl.nu/zzfj
  Replies (17) Good night (3266) Bad night (862) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?! http://tfl.nu/om37
  Replies (23) Good night (2635) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (626): View more from California

  Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (626): Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester? http://tfl.nu/lq06
  Replies (20) Good night (4312) Bad night (964)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina. http://tfl.nu/ow9j
  Replies (3) Good night (1090) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"? http://tfl.nu/260m
  Replies (12) Good night (2063) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party http://tfl.nu/4m7c
  Replies (4) Good night (1123) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (283): View more from Ohio

  He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (283): He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought. http://tfl.nu/hl8d
  Replies (3) Good night (1658) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back http://tfl.nu/294t
  Replies (7) Good night (2607) Bad night (654)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order? http://tfl.nu/uphg
  Replies (28) Good night (3684) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you? http://tfl.nu/n46m
  Replies (9) Good night (1552) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out. http://tfl.nu/wzbc
  Replies (4) Good night (3168) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital." http://tfl.nu/3xux
  Replies (7) Good night (4212) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem http://tfl.nu/yh4o
  Replies (4) Good night (1226) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  What kind of balloon animal was it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor. (1-503): What kind of balloon animal was it? http://tfl.nu/lyo1
  Replies (12) Good night (1903) Bad night (448)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out http://tfl.nu/559d
  Replies (20) Good night (3429) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga. http://tfl.nu/fdid
  Replies (12) Good night (802) Bad night (1828) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before. http://tfl.nu/kra3
  Replies (11) Good night (3552) Bad night (490)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him. http://tfl.nu/pxbo
  Replies (4) Good night (1556) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog. http://tfl.nu/t7wp
  Replies (7) Good night (2227) Bad night (491)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56
  Replies (30) Good night (6804) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me? http://tfl.nu/wm16
  Replies (27) Good night (570) Bad night (2929) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them. http://tfl.nu/ibul
  Replies (5) Good night (3291) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (432): View more from Texas

  I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (432): I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line. http://tfl.nu/q8nl
  Replies (20) Good night (4345) Bad night (731)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

  (705): View more from Ontario

  I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR. (705): I NEED to see if his girl has a sister. http://tfl.nu/ou19
  Replies (9) Good night (2634) Bad night (625)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward? http://tfl.nu/hi7y
  Replies (11) Good night (1929) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper http://tfl.nu/eza0
  Replies (13) Good night (456) Bad night (1932) Order T-Shirt
•