Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
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