Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you inspire me to be a worse person
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
this will be a night to untag.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
they're staring at me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
two words...techno handjob
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone