angelfire's Favorites Texts:

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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  therell be strippers and coke right?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  no strippers. just coke.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i hate this fuckin recession

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  (202): therell be strippers and coke right? (703): no strippers. just coke. (202): i hate this fuckin recession http://tfl.nu/1tv9
  Replies (22) Good night (10687) Bad night (2528)
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does

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  (551): She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does http://tfl.nu/519t
  Replies (26) Good night (10214) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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  (256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it. http://tfl.nu/bdg5
  Replies (34) Good night (10530) Bad night (1299) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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  (480): I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot http://tfl.nu/rl8p
  Replies (87) Good night (10896) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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  (757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!" http://tfl.nu/94sw
  Replies (84) Good night (13069) Bad night (1527) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

  (770): View more from Georgia

  she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You KNEW her power was out...

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  (404): I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said (770): she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to (404): You KNEW her power was out... http://tfl.nu/ggzc
  Replies (39) Good night (11690) Bad night (898)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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  (360): nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked http://tfl.nu/nh0r
  Replies (67) Good night (12051) Bad night (1169) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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  (440): Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know. http://tfl.nu/71w6
  Replies (25) Good night (11192) Bad night (646) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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  (248): I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch http://tfl.nu/y65i
  Replies (78) Good night (12365) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I am coming home for anal

  (254): View more from Texas

  * a nap*

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  (254): I am coming home for anal (254): * a nap* http://tfl.nu/ou5x
  Replies (39) Good night (11798) Bad night (1420)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless

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  (812): Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless http://tfl.nu/jzwl
  Replies (105) Good night (11556) Bad night (1204)
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  (562): View more from California

  Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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  (562): Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty. http://tfl.nu/kgia
  Replies (34) Good night (11592) Bad night (1295) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  Life is so much better after having sex.

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  (858): Life is so much better after having sex. http://tfl.nu/blju
  Replies (39) Good night (11123) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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  (916): Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms http://tfl.nu/1qb7
  Replies (27) Good night (11723) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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  (423): today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married http://tfl.nu/xv8o
  Replies (68) Good night (13125) Bad night (1357) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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  (571): non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do. http://tfl.nu/8y8e
  Replies (74) Good night (13874) Bad night (1711) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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  (334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves. http://tfl.nu/rn3o
  Replies (41) Good night (12275) Bad night (1390) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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  (803): The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german.... http://tfl.nu/l2d8
  Replies (42) Good night (12755) Bad night (879) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

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  (248): I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent. http://tfl.nu/jxt2
  Replies (108) Good night (13701) Bad night (1054) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
  Replies (34) Good night (12705) Bad night (796) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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  (514): Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in http://tfl.nu/gix0
  Replies (30) Good night (11414) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.

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  (605): We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy. http://tfl.nu/7hz1
  Replies (41) Good night (11621) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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  (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please? (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag? http://tfl.nu/5o6h
  Replies (134) Good night (12896) Bad night (25536)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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  (215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk. (610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect. http://tfl.nu/dim5
  Replies (43) Good night (13938) Bad night (834)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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  (407): she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store http://tfl.nu/25ph
  Replies (86) Good night (14496) Bad night (2302) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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  (519): Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil. http://tfl.nu/3ein
  Replies (68) Good night (11928) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)

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  (310): Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :) http://tfl.nu/0k31
  Replies (53) Good night (11781) Bad night (816) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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  (817): The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen. http://tfl.nu/gj69
  Replies (38) Good night (12598) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.

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  (609): Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet. http://tfl.nu/2pvo
  Replies (90) Good night (11519) Bad night (609)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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  (410): she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur http://tfl.nu/hhzt
  Replies (36) Good night (11722) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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  (313): Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone. http://tfl.nu/vfbd
  Replies (40) Good night (13993) Bad night (1398) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  im getting a BJ in a closet

  (205): View more from Alabama

  and a penguin just handed me a bong

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  (205): im getting a BJ in a closet (205): and a penguin just handed me a bong http://tfl.nu/oarm
  Replies (60) Good night (12174) Bad night (736)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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  (813): y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all. http://tfl.nu/2iln
  Replies (125) Good night (14980) Bad night (1200)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house

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  (973): i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house http://tfl.nu/qme2
  Replies (11) Good night (12032) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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  (270): Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend. http://tfl.nu/ihwe
  Replies (27) Good night (13031) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.

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  (812): When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night. http://tfl.nu/n33w
  Replies (21) Good night (11717) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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  (978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven http://tfl.nu/9auj
  Replies (32) Good night (12939) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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  (815): Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked http://tfl.nu/ct4t
  Replies (23) Good night (13813) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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  (937): Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon! http://tfl.nu/1aph
  Replies (92) Good night (13501) Bad night (1446) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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  (812): She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used. http://tfl.nu/jpfz
  Replies (55) Good night (13083) Bad night (841)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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  (713): on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left http://tfl.nu/gb7d
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus

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  (970): Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus http://tfl.nu/rl2v
  Replies (37) Good night (12617) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
  Replies (50) Good night (29858) Bad night (1107)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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  (214): we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER. http://tfl.nu/9rv5
  Replies (58) Good night (12553) Bad night (962) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?

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  (305): So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even? http://tfl.nu/nzpq
  Replies (52) Good night (12155) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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  (858): we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open. http://tfl.nu/kkl3
  Replies (23) Good night (14018) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.

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  (561): I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick. http://tfl.nu/378g
  Replies (74) Good night (11548) Bad night (1339) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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  (847): Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex. http://tfl.nu/aztc
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  (650): View more from California

  I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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  (650): I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats. http://tfl.nu/rm40
  Replies (41) Good night (13979) Bad night (757)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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  (330): and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!" http://tfl.nu/62xo
  Replies (32) Good night (12069) Bad night (1464) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

  (716): View more from New York

  do you not see the irony in that??

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  (619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog (716): do you not see the irony in that?? http://tfl.nu/h8wi
  Replies (73) Good night (15841) Bad night (1011)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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  (727): i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR. http://tfl.nu/oyj0
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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  (413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung http://tfl.nu/rtj3
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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  (412): I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me. http://tfl.nu/826q
  Replies (131) Good night (14348) Bad night (1167) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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  (917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center (1-917): you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth http://tfl.nu/ukvm
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  (415): View more from California

  the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.

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  (415): the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties. http://tfl.nu/jpbi
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
  Replies (60) Good night (16849) Bad night (1252)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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  (201): As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere http://tfl.nu/2ys4
  Replies (58) Good night (14532) Bad night (1201)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

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  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.

  (812): View more from Indiana

  I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?

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  (404): I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up. (812): I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls? http://tfl.nu/pl92
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  (445): View more from Pennsylvania

  We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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  (445): We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off http://tfl.nu/9bxu
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

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  (402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed. http://tfl.nu/mbr1
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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  (828): so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/xwig
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?

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  (614): Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party? http://tfl.nu/rikb
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  (310): View more from California

  i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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  (310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over. http://tfl.nu/nwsy
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  (940): View more from Texas

  She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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  (940): She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one. http://tfl.nu/4xsk
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  (716): View more from New York

  People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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  (716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz http://tfl.nu/sutg
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.

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  (402): Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best. http://tfl.nu/u0y2
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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  (770): his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning http://tfl.nu/bect
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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  (407): It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest. http://tfl.nu/ndz5
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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  (303): I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer. http://tfl.nu/2j6i
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  k i'll be over in 5.

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  (480): just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds. (1-480): i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice. (480): k i'll be over in 5. http://tfl.nu/rkxl
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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  (647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened. http://tfl.nu/1lek
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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  (303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England http://tfl.nu/wgnu
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.

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  (503): My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours. http://tfl.nu/f53e
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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  (513): why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position http://tfl.nu/vjj2
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.

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  (434): There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically. http://tfl.nu/76cj
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Banned from zoo.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Again?

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  (240): Banned from zoo. (301): Again? http://tfl.nu/bv0w
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

  (801): View more from Utah

  alright see you in the morning.

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  (801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house. (1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen. (801): alright see you in the morning. http://tfl.nu/gnes
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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  (865): is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend? http://tfl.nu/lq8q
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  youve hit the jackpot

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  (540): she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out (803): youve hit the jackpot http://tfl.nu/tr3l
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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  (508): just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over http://tfl.nu/74b2
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  (850): View more from Florida

  hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

  (904): View more from Florida

  not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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  (850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night? (904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"? (850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants. http://tfl.nu/wk6x
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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  (812): The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean? http://tfl.nu/84o9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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  (703): I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband http://tfl.nu/pijn
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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  (601): having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things http://tfl.nu/w4id
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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  (517): New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause http://tfl.nu/0zau
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
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  (631): View more from New York

  im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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  (631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc
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  (626): View more from California

  Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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  (626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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  (404): I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head. http://tfl.nu/lfdj
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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  (678): while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF. http://tfl.nu/huje
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
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  (516): View more from New York

  my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.

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  (516): my mother just offered to pay for my fake id. http://tfl.nu/7t8s
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  (831): View more from California

  just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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  (831): just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf http://tfl.nu/faeb
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Redeem this text for a blowjob

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  (507): Redeem this text for a blowjob http://tfl.nu/3lns
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  (406): View more from Montana

  my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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  (406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute http://tfl.nu/00es
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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  (732): he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant. http://tfl.nu/xvk7
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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  (973): They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it. http://tfl.nu/8sm7
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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  (847): So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be http://tfl.nu/8bju
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  (916): View more from California

  So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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  (916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off? http://tfl.nu/zq3l
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (559): View more from California

  I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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  (559): I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day? http://tfl.nu/b9nt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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  (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! http://tfl.nu/deur
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  (949): View more from California

  just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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  (949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will." http://tfl.nu/pn0l
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  (315): View more from New York

  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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  (905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever. http://tfl.nu/wzae
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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  (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML? http://tfl.nu/ajh1
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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  (857): I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars? http://tfl.nu/0mdx
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  I want to be a cop.

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  (972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop. http://tfl.nu/ucz6
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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  (828): proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing. http://tfl.nu/uzza
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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  (502): I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer http://tfl.nu/cllh
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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  (732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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  (647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants. http://tfl.nu/sn5l
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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  (214): She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love http://tfl.nu/tjul
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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  (636): Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half. http://tfl.nu/fs6e
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so horny!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so hungry

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  For your pussy...

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  (508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50
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  (760): View more from California

  I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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  (760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs. http://tfl.nu/67s4
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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  (705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence http://tfl.nu/779y
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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  (816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina http://tfl.nu/2dpv
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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  (908): did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/a6do
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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  (954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza http://tfl.nu/fivz
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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  (215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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  (508): the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me http://tfl.nu/ptyo
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
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  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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  (931): a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra. http://tfl.nu/ga1u
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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  (908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers http://tfl.nu/97ey
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (949): View more from California

  Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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  (949): Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever. http://tfl.nu/rea8
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

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  (240): Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS. http://tfl.nu/2m4m
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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  (630): We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed. http://tfl.nu/qpmm
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (562): View more from California

  omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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  (562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever. http://tfl.nu/2p77
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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  (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
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  (831): View more from California

  theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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  (831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it http://tfl.nu/8kg8
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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  (716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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  (419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked http://tfl.nu/tqdc
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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  (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed? (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets. http://tfl.nu/2g4o
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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  (214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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  (734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians. http://tfl.nu/rppl
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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  (812): I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos. http://tfl.nu/9xke
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
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  (281): View more from Texas

  How do you jack off and text at the same time?

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  On my iPhone they have an app for that

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  (281): How do you jack off and text at the same time? (1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that http://tfl.nu/2tk7
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  (212): View more from New York

  I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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  (212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland. http://tfl.nu/ca0n
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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  (321): Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting. http://tfl.nu/c1w6
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

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  (401): So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session http://tfl.nu/9nzb
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???

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  (609): i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on??? http://tfl.nu/8had
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."

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  (214): Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15." http://tfl.nu/wu1w
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  (561): View more from Florida

  next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill

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  (561): next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill http://tfl.nu/y326
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself

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  (864): Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself http://tfl.nu/j8cd
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Why?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never

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  (314): It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot (502): Why? (314): Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never http://tfl.nu/z3v0
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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  (860): Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god. http://tfl.nu/co52
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  (253): View more from Washington

  i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?

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  (253): i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class? http://tfl.nu/um7r
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes

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  (416): she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes http://tfl.nu/kujh
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets

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  (502): sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets http://tfl.nu/cbq3
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?

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  (850): Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up? http://tfl.nu/shrn
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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  (205): i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL! http://tfl.nu/gtw6
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  (949): View more from California

  Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

  (619): View more from California

  hahahahahahahahahahaha

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  (949): Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth? (619): hahahahahahahahahahaha http://tfl.nu/hwol
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  What'd you say?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I told him I was sleep driving

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  (248): I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work. (1-248): What'd you say? (248): I told him I was sleep driving http://tfl.nu/ghd6
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

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  (480): I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is. http://tfl.nu/0bg6
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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  (918): And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2. http://tfl.nu/m96w
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.

  (224): View more from Illinois

  I'm with your mom on this one.

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  (847): my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel. (224): I'm with your mom on this one. http://tfl.nu/c28m
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.

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  (647): Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces. http://tfl.nu/p5uv
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.

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  (201): He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college. http://tfl.nu/379h
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.

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  (214): My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night. http://tfl.nu/bjzh
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  (972): View more from Texas

  i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

  (817): View more from Texas

  Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

  (972): View more from Texas

  ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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  (972): i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating. (817): Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away. (972): ur like the dr phil of bizarro world. http://tfl.nu/uybr
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.

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  (720): Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is. http://tfl.nu/8296
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

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  (775): I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie. http://tfl.nu/cht2
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"

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  (801): I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby" http://tfl.nu/pwve
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  yo i have your phone

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  ... oh so you probably won't get this message

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  (202): yo i have your phone (202):... oh so you probably won't get this message http://tfl.nu/0ifv
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??

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  (602): Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance?? http://tfl.nu/47ts
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.

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  (201): im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere. http://tfl.nu/ne04
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  A Penis?

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  (610): Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me. (1-610): A Penis? http://tfl.nu/aerv
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Can we have unprotected sex soon?

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner

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  (270): Can we have unprotected sex soon? (270): Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner http://tfl.nu/5s3c
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  (760): View more from California

  My pussy is not your playground.

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  (760): My pussy is not your playground. http://tfl.nu/vnfk
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

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  (813): Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message. http://tfl.nu/p8es
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now

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  (815): we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now http://tfl.nu/t0uo
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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  (203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you http://tfl.nu/8puo
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  (813): View more from Florida

  The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.

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  (813): The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp. http://tfl.nu/6snw
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  (315): View more from New York

  idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me

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  (315): idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me http://tfl.nu/dmik
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  (631): View more from New York

  stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

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  (631): stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back. http://tfl.nu/3ip5
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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  (612): My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome! http://tfl.nu/2tqo
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  (650): View more from California

  i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.

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  (650): i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text. http://tfl.nu/726d
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  (407): View more from Florida

  So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.

  (352): View more from Florida

  WHAT?!

  (407): View more from Florida

  He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.

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  (407): So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch. (352): WHAT?! (407): He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking. http://tfl.nu/9qqv
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  ...there is blood under my fingernails.

  (515): View more from Iowa

  ...I hope my roomates are okay.

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  (515): ...there is blood under my fingernails. (515): ...I hope my roomates are okay. http://tfl.nu/jgvb
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  accomplished twins. life is a go

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  (651): accomplished twins. life is a go http://tfl.nu/t3ng
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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  (770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex (404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut (770): Fuck. Wron person. But yea http://tfl.nu/bsak
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I cannot find my penis.

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  (617): I cannot find my penis. http://tfl.nu/w331
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.

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  (330): Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt. http://tfl.nu/yvoh
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  (214): View more from Texas

  come over

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  yeah sure

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

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  (214): come over (1-214): yeah sure (1-214): wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/qceh
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(

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  (850): I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :( http://tfl.nu/5wo6
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.

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  (732): soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm. http://tfl.nu/dqxm
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  At least we don't have one night stands

  (1-765): View more from Indiana

  True that. We sink our claws in our men.

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  (765): At least we don't have one night stands (1-765): True that. We sink our claws in our men. http://tfl.nu/8zkt
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (916): View more from California

  They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.

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  (916): They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door. http://tfl.nu/s1xt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.

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  (678): We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine. http://tfl.nu/3sll
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"

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  (314): just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?" http://tfl.nu/ava3
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting

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  (574): i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting http://tfl.nu/eus0
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.

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  (724): And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after. http://tfl.nu/p612
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Who haven't you slept with?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  No one comes to mind.

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  (202): Who haven't you slept with? (703): No one comes to mind. http://tfl.nu/pw54
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

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  (610): You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck http://tfl.nu/4xap
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  (561): View more from Florida

  So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

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  (561): So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell? http://tfl.nu/0nz8
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?

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  (205): why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!? http://tfl.nu/xjgi
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I thought you said his peep was too small

  (1-505): View more from New Mexico

  it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.

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  (505): I thought you said his peep was too small (1-505): it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on. http://tfl.nu/ttsw
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  (253): View more from Washington

  girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends

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  (253): girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends http://tfl.nu/xej0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head

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  (617): You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head http://tfl.nu/n3kb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE

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  (513): WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE http://tfl.nu/ja6y
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.

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  (605): I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota. http://tfl.nu/u34o
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.

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  (913): I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me. http://tfl.nu/mpf5
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

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  (602): Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not. http://tfl.nu/pe6e
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Dude my mom stole all your condoms

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  (301): Dude my mom stole all your condoms http://tfl.nu/kyrw
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.

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  (719): Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete. http://tfl.nu/49zr
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  (281): View more from Texas

  So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"

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  (281): So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head" http://tfl.nu/fk9k
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (972): View more from Texas

  i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer

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  (972): i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer http://tfl.nu/kbap
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?

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  (937): was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"? http://tfl.nu/gea9
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!

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  (610): Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!! http://tfl.nu/obvl
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  (714): View more from California

  It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...

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  (714): It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks... http://tfl.nu/l4e9
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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  (906): i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius? http://tfl.nu/ei5s
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke

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  (248): Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke http://tfl.nu/ag71
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  (209): View more from California

  is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

  (1-209): View more from California

  yes...dear jesus what did you do?

  (209): View more from California

  bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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  (209): is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers? (1-209): yes...dear jesus what did you do? (209): bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off. http://tfl.nu/27hf
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  (516): View more from New York

  He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

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  (516): He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one. http://tfl.nu/wrt6
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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  (508): They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever." http://tfl.nu/4fcm
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  (561): View more from Florida

  you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

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  (561): you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic http://tfl.nu/jttf
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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  (303): The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick" http://tfl.nu/klf2
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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  (859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through. http://tfl.nu/bvv7
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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  (804): girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe. http://tfl.nu/ztj4
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.

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  (847): i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1. http://tfl.nu/5eb0
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  ready 4 sex 2nite?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  wow. woo me matt, woo me.

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  (847): ready 4 sex 2nite? (978): wow. woo me matt, woo me. http://tfl.nu/frhd
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.

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  (508): We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while. http://tfl.nu/9c2t
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk

  (678): View more from Georgia

  discrete masterbation is a lost art

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  (770): Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk (678): discrete masterbation is a lost art http://tfl.nu/z067
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  no.

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  (404): hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer?? (1-404): no. http://tfl.nu/c4dk
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

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  (352): I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about. http://tfl.nu/yxic
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  (432): View more from Texas

  TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!

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  (432): TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!! http://tfl.nu/zkcs
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.

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  (443): Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you. http://tfl.nu/z07c
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.

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  (202): its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore. http://tfl.nu/f02f
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?

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  (203): omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it? http://tfl.nu/nfju
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?

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  (614): She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward? http://tfl.nu/41t8
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined

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  (301): I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined http://tfl.nu/iip9
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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  (610): the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing. http://tfl.nu/gyso
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  GO. BACK. NOW.

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  (513): I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash (1-513): GO. BACK. NOW. http://tfl.nu/zc24
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  he wasnt completely random

  (914): View more from New York

  you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i get things done.

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  (201): he wasnt completely random (914): you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont (201): i get things done. http://tfl.nu/5ew9
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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  (205): The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country... http://tfl.nu/c11y
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?

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  (917): Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties? http://tfl.nu/8a9h
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper

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  (217): he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper http://tfl.nu/swmc
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  (972): View more from Texas

  so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

  (214): View more from Texas

  so how much did i say i owed you?

  (972): View more from Texas

  $5 and a new fuck buddy.

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  (972): so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards. (214): so how much did i say i owed you? (972): $5 and a new fuck buddy. http://tfl.nu/zurg
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  (239): View more from Florida

  yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.

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  (239): yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day. http://tfl.nu/xjz6
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."

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  (610): i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there." http://tfl.nu/12yv
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction

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  (202): Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion (202): He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction http://tfl.nu/lcwv
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  (801): View more from Utah

  so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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  (801): so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me http://tfl.nu/is24
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Wtf? Why?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I want awesome conversations to show the world.

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  (702): We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs (1-702): Wtf? Why? (702): I want awesome conversations to show the world. http://tfl.nu/kf4n
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (661): View more from California

  Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.

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  (661): Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times. http://tfl.nu/sk4n
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about

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  (781): my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about http://tfl.nu/1vap
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  wasnt he a virgin

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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  (732): we just fucked in the mcds parking lot (1-732): wasnt he a virgin (732): yes we got celebratory milkshakes after http://tfl.nu/wnnd
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions

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  (778): I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions http://tfl.nu/u0tu
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  well apparently not.

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  (978): saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in? (1-978): well apparently not. http://tfl.nu/kqax
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  Mom wtf!?

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  (407): Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :) (1-407): Mom wtf!? http://tfl.nu/scw1
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

  (419): View more from Ohio

  Is that considered a cock block?

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  (419): I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me? (937): Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls. (419): Is that considered a cock block? http://tfl.nu/pjdr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud

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  (203): Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts? (609): And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud http://tfl.nu/gnmk
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

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  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend

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  (617): Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents? (1-617): Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend http://tfl.nu/hheb
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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  (919): I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...? http://tfl.nu/n1uy
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!

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  (402): The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE! http://tfl.nu/1ymk
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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  (843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave

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  (203): he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave http://tfl.nu/v07m
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

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  (404): A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show. http://tfl.nu/h6zp
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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  (678): I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama. (770): WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?! http://tfl.nu/mh7d
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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  (815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again http://tfl.nu/470y
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  (813): View more from Florida

  The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

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  (813): The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you" http://tfl.nu/44qj
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  (315): View more from New York

  He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

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  (315): He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic? http://tfl.nu/piwl
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.

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  (407): I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care. http://tfl.nu/n9k1
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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  (810): She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance. http://tfl.nu/vgvp
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  my vagina's been through so much this weekend

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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  (860): my vagina's been through so much this weekend (1-860): you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend? http://tfl.nu/jr6r
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

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  (228): I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference! http://tfl.nu/5ptk
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time

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  (512): Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time http://tfl.nu/c4as
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

  (516): View more from New York

  was the water running?

  (917): View more from New York City

  yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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  (917): i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower. (516): was the water running? (917): yeah but he said he knows how to swim http://tfl.nu/akph
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible

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  (573): Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible http://tfl.nu/a2el
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

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  (630): he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage http://tfl.nu/nrg5
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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  (401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now. http://tfl.nu/y18v
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.

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  (905): Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine. http://tfl.nu/hm69
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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  (765): I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock" http://tfl.nu/hksp
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.

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  (814): he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out. http://tfl.nu/d51a
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

  (352): View more from Florida

  I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

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  (970): The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency. (352): I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial. http://tfl.nu/wg41
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks

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  (785): i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks http://tfl.nu/ebeq
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  (925): View more from California

  It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.

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  (925): It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article. http://tfl.nu/yngr
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  (626): View more from California

  dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.

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  (626): dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing. http://tfl.nu/anwj
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  (661): View more from California

  i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

  (951): View more from California

  u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

  (661): View more from California

  i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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  (661): i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break.. (951): u hav a 3 hour lunch break?! (661): i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u http://tfl.nu/1ary
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night

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  (617): the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night http://tfl.nu/rgw3
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

  (614): View more from Ohio

  We've got ourselves a situation

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  (614): Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and.... (614): We've got ourselves a situation http://tfl.nu/efwe
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

  (1-920): View more from Wisconsin

  no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he wasn't. neither were you.

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  (920): dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss? (1-920): no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom? (920): he wasn't. neither were you. http://tfl.nu/3ltg
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her

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  (847): i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her http://tfl.nu/2g5w
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  sarcasm needs its own font

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  (440): sarcasm needs its own font http://tfl.nu/5kc7
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  (925): View more from California

  So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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  (925): So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid. http://tfl.nu/x26d
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

  (571): View more from Virginia

  was that a mass text??

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  (804): Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing. (571): was that a mass text?? http://tfl.nu/0791
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.

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  (765): Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud. http://tfl.nu/41vp
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

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  (913): Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat http://tfl.nu/os6y
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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  (217): just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom? http://tfl.nu/rbqh
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.

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  (937): my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different. http://tfl.nu/n2zh
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done

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  (856): she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done http://tfl.nu/rbbz
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  no one should ever give us hovercrafts

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  (847): no one should ever give us hovercrafts http://tfl.nu/uqn3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?

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  (303): Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen? http://tfl.nu/jc7g
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Who said I want to share with you?

  (269): View more from Michigan

  You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

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  (269): I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you. (616): Who said I want to share with you? (269): You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book. http://tfl.nu/trh2
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me

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  (610): we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me http://tfl.nu/jltn
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.

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  (608): her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm. http://tfl.nu/qvd0
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  ra ra ra ah ah

  (573): View more from Missouri

  wtf?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  sexting lady gaga style

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  (636): ra ra ra ah ah (573): wtf? (636): sexting lady gaga style http://tfl.nu/2d0r
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

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  (618): Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again http://tfl.nu/9mpp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.

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  (703): I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain. http://tfl.nu/pmdt
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  (631): View more from New York

  My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

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  (631): My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud http://tfl.nu/p0vi
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???

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  (970): Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas??? http://tfl.nu/mb80
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  (408): View more from California

  I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass

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  (408): I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass http://tfl.nu/h161
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.

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  (647): The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display. http://tfl.nu/9yl8
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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  (519): Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle. http://tfl.nu/hct4
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.

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  (757): I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK. http://tfl.nu/aspp
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  (925): View more from California

  I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.

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  (925): I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point. http://tfl.nu/b8y5
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid

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  (708): She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid http://tfl.nu/fpm2
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  I see you've learned your lesson.

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  (937): I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status... (1-937): I see you've learned your lesson. http://tfl.nu/pjfr
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  (914): View more from New York

  She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.

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  (914): She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl. http://tfl.nu/b8qp
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  of course. lets lasso hookers.

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  (860): of course. lets lasso hookers. http://tfl.nu/i5g9
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  (850): View more from Florida

  By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever

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  (850): By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever http://tfl.nu/n0rq
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!

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  (708): you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas! http://tfl.nu/ibug
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

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  (785): Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk. http://tfl.nu/cv1z
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.

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  (615): Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka. http://tfl.nu/pwqr
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job

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  (904): I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job http://tfl.nu/0l9r
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction

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  (724): she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with. (1-724): I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction http://tfl.nu/qhra
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

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  (410): As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie. (443): im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile http://tfl.nu/7kar
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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  (904): i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall http://tfl.nu/fpdq
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you

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  (231): I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you http://tfl.nu/n6kx
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.

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  (770): It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college. http://tfl.nu/l73u
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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  (301): I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids http://tfl.nu/xnc7
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