I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
