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Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Operation Purity has been aborted
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He passed out mid-signature
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i dont even know how to be here
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
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