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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
he puts the penis in happiness.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
farters have to be the big spoon...
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
this beer tastes like vomit already
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
bring money and cleavage
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I intend to get homeless drunk
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
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