Texts From Last Night · that

that_girl94's Favorites Texts:

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.

(1+44): View more from

They'll never let you practice medicine.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette

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(705): View more from Ontario

We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(319): View more from Iowa

"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(312): View more from Illinois

my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.

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(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

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(207): View more from Maine

It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We can Fuck in the shower to save time

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.

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(818): View more from California

Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it

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(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

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(404): View more from Georgia

also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text

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(503): View more from Oregon

Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.

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(765): View more from Indiana

That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar

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(562): View more from California

I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

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(905): View more from Ontario

something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance

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(937): View more from Ohio

Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again

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(435): View more from Utah

For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job

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(614): View more from Ohio

He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm

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(410): View more from Maryland

Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.

(732): View more from New Jersey

all 3? possibly?

(410): View more from Maryland

I think I'm up to the challenge.

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(347): View more from New York

I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.

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(415): View more from California

My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.

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(785): View more from Kansas

WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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(260): View more from Indiana

One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.

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(619): View more from California

Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.

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(650): View more from California

He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups

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(716): View more from New York

Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear

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(925): View more from California

What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party

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(716): View more from New York

Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.

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(646): View more from New York

How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.

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(207): View more from Maine

I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(334): View more from Alabama

Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm lost and stupid without you.

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(206): View more from Washington

Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.

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(647): View more from Ontario

hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.

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(817): View more from Texas

90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.

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(585): View more from New York

i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

my mouth tastes like poor choices

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to

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(914): View more from New York

She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.

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(469): View more from Texas

I can feel my moral fiber fraying.

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(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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(518): View more from New York

We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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(440): View more from Ohio

I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.

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(315): View more from New York

Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(541): View more from Oregon

He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes

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(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

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(909): View more from California

Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.

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(904): View more from Florida

Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

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(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(310): View more from California

I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

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(561): View more from Florida

We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.

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(406): View more from Montana

I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.

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(212): View more from New York

No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be naked everywhere

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(940): View more from Texas

...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow

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(757): View more from Virginia

Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.

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(614): View more from Ohio

stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.

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(760): View more from California

I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen

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(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

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(614): View more from Ohio

the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(702): View more from Nevada

It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

(775): View more from Nevada

yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.

(416): View more from Toronto

I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.

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(440): View more from Ohio

woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.

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(313): View more from Michigan

4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(914): View more from New York

does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.

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(586): View more from Michigan

On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless

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(518): View more from New York

You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.

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(489): View more from

watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Restraining orders are what college is about.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.

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(281): View more from Texas

so now she's a stripper

(1-281): View more from Texas

can't say i'm surprised

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(614): View more from Ohio

every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Duck Duck Cougar?

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(517): View more from Michigan

areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!

(616): View more from Michigan

you srsly need to quit going to that bar

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(248): View more from Michigan

3:26am: come over

(847): View more from Illinois

you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over

(248): View more from Michigan

4:11am: mnlodp

(847): View more from Illinois

dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over

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(813): View more from Florida

I can't find my pants or my car

(813): View more from Florida

I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...

(561): View more from Florida

ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.

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(303): View more from Colorado

stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(801): View more from Utah

She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(559): View more from California

i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

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(541): View more from Oregon

This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.

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(212): View more from New York

brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp

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(901): View more from Tennessee

At least you have booty calls.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

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(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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(407): View more from Florida

She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.

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(734): View more from Michigan

11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You can't date a girl from every country.

(770): View more from Georgia

I'm the captain planet of women

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(765): View more from Indiana

my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.

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(845): View more from New York

whjeg hajt iyt

(914): View more from New York

say what?

(845): View more from New York

wanna hang out?

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.

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(313): View more from Michigan

They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

(313): View more from Michigan

Something like a penis light saber.

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(914): View more from New York

My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

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(571): View more from Virginia

She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...

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(954): View more from Florida

I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.

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(317): View more from Indiana

It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Emoooo

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(301): View more from Maryland

Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.

(201): View more from New Jersey

I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

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(519): View more from Ontario

It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

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(281): View more from Texas

They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.

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(231): View more from Michigan

My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....

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(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?

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(317): View more from Indiana

No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.

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(559): View more from California

she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends

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(716): View more from New York

When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."

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(217): View more from Illinois

His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"

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(217): View more from Illinois

he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me

(973): View more from New Jersey

that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?

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(509): View more from Washington

Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(530): View more from California

It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently

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(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(858): View more from California

Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend

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(208): View more from Idaho

Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.

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(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(330): View more from Ohio

thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.

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(845): View more from New York

he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.

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(206): View more from Washington

In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?

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(316): View more from Kansas

Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.

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(631): View more from New York

She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.

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(714): View more from California

When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?

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(417): View more from Missouri

i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.

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(314): View more from Missouri

great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter

(1-314): View more from Missouri

at least I said it was good

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(847): View more from Illinois

Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(863): View more from Florida

And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.

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(360): View more from Washington

5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

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(810): View more from Michigan

just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out

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(410): View more from Maryland

she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.

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(469): View more from Texas

She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him

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(586): View more from Michigan

your parents love me but you hate me

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(313): View more from Michigan

you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

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(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"

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(512): View more from Texas

boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(989): View more from Michigan

if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK

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(517): View more from Michigan

hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?

Fav 9 4868 1304
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(573): View more from Missouri

Small penises have feelings too.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.

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(360): View more from Washington

his personality makes his face look like an asshole.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(678): View more from Georgia

you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."

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(616): View more from Michigan

i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(214): View more from Texas

Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.

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(516): View more from New York

you left your dildo in my car

(516): View more from New York

rules of finders keepers apply

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(305): View more from Florida

Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now

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(905): View more from Toronto

I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it

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(206): View more from Washington

i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.

(425): View more from Washington

for sure. did you let him do it?

(206): View more from Washington

thats not the point.

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(813): View more from Florida

I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters

(1-813): View more from Florida

What is a male extremity?

(813): View more from Florida

i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex

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(503): View more from Oregon

she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!

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(813): View more from Florida

well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.

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(585): View more from New York

WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET

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(540): View more from Virginia

I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes

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(212): View more from New York

I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend

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(574): View more from Indiana

I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.

(912): View more from Georgia

Do you need my fax number or something?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

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(716): View more from New York

i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(712): View more from Iowa

I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening

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(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(719): View more from Colorado

so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva

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(248): View more from Michigan

i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(206): View more from Washington

she told me i tasted like america

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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(972): View more from Texas

If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.

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(818): View more from California

You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

(515): View more from Iowa

That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets

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(916): View more from California

17 year olds will be the death of me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?

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(772): View more from Florida

I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I gave up sex for lent.

(646): View more from New York

I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

saw you walking with that piece of shit

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

and that piece of shit just read that

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(407): View more from Florida

I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms

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(646): View more from New York

so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"

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(847): View more from Illinois

she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He made me a period mix..should I back out now?

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(530): View more from California

She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential

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(847): View more from Illinois

i can recognize that vagina from a mile away

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.

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(424): View more from California

I'd wear matching sweaters with you

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.

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(518): View more from New York

im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'

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(205): View more from Alabama

When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(810): View more from Michigan

Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now

(810): View more from Michigan

But I don't think guys love me

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(989): View more from Michigan

Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(505): View more from New Mexico

you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(602): View more from Arizona

She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically

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(613): View more from Ontario

i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is

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(757): View more from Virginia

Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

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(432): View more from Texas

TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

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(386): View more from Florida

The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(408): View more from California

I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(727): View more from Florida

she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?

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(325): View more from Texas

Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?

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(315): View more from New York

i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

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(701): View more from North Dakota

she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i think i recognize dicks better than faces

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(314): View more from Missouri

She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes

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(714): View more from California

what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?

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(586): View more from Michigan

But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance

(1-586): View more from Michigan

Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer

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(916): View more from California

Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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(949): View more from California

Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"

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(440): View more from Ohio

D3 body, D1 cock

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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(954): View more from Florida

in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..

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(678): View more from Georgia

Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.

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(408): View more from California

Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it

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(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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(817): View more from Texas

Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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(517): View more from Michigan

it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(305): View more from Florida

so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls

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(423): View more from Tennessee

he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses

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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(941): View more from Florida

He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.

(623): View more from Arizona

Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.

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(714): View more from California

He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

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(248): View more from Michigan

you lied. pity sex is amazing.

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(845): View more from New York

Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you have to choose: penises or morals?

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(804): View more from Virginia

he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You can't wash away shame.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I can try.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(212): View more from New York

You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines

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(614): View more from Ohio

making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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(207): View more from Maine

I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.

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(708): View more from Illinois

After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."

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(917): View more from New York City

I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

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(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

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(727): View more from Florida

It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.

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