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Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I will be naked everywhere
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Duck Duck Cougar?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
your parents love me but you hate me
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Small penises have feelings too.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she told me i tasted like america
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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