terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
