Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Even my vagina gasped.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
ugly people sure do ruin things
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I bet he comes in French.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
dude you need to get laid
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We're facebook friends in real life
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i think my tv is drunk
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
would you consider him our boss?
then technically i slept with our boss
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You're so nebulous sometimes
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
what ever happened to devon sawa?
i'm really worried about him.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
How drunk are you??
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...