emiiiibabyx3's Favorites Texts:

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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.

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  (651): I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up. http://tfl.nu/q8q2
  Replies (10) Good night (3577) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  you don't.

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  (717): how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way (1-717): you don't. http://tfl.nu/p0es
  Replies (15) Good night (5753) Bad night (1293) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip

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  (862): Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip http://tfl.nu/drj8
  Replies (15) Good night (1908) Bad night (5829) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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  (716): You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70 http://tfl.nu/w9g2
  Replies (13) Good night (6076) Bad night (876) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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  (208): aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it. http://tfl.nu/sbum
  Replies (18) Good night (7179) Bad night (1210) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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  (630): Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened. http://tfl.nu/4exz
  Replies (23) Good night (6327) Bad night (2674) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.

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  (715): I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you. http://tfl.nu/8i7d
  Replies (11) Good night (1053) Bad night (3731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...

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  (203): There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door... http://tfl.nu/wacl
  Replies (14) Good night (4122) Bad night (1198) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?

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  (317): What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/ssbm
  Replies (15) Good night (1104) Bad night (4317) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.

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  (828): At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed. http://tfl.nu/va1q
  Replies (16) Good night (1250) Bad night (4282) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

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  (401): I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family. http://tfl.nu/wak4
  Replies (31) Good night (4900) Bad night (1868) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light

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  (734): i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light http://tfl.nu/t30l
  Replies (11) Good night (2553) Bad night (3280) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.

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  (806): Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever. http://tfl.nu/07ur
  Replies (9) Good night (4201) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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  (757): I won't be sarcastic... just naked http://tfl.nu/3vff
  Replies (6) Good night (4651) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  it happened again.

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  (973): remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels? (973): it happened again. http://tfl.nu/jmjg
  Replies (8) Good night (5973) Bad night (750)
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  (315): View more from New York

  idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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  (315): idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever. http://tfl.nu/p80i
  Replies (11) Good night (8507) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.

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  (336): I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable. http://tfl.nu/7b9p
  Replies (12) Good night (3334) Bad night (1473) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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  (314): i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting. http://tfl.nu/k93x
  Replies (44) Good night (3782) Bad night (4262) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea

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  (516): In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea http://tfl.nu/v7d1
  Replies (21) Good night (1316) Bad night (5040) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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  (845): no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill http://tfl.nu/ddir
  Replies (4) Good night (1284) Bad night (4501) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  This show inspires me to have sex in space

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  (678): This show inspires me to have sex in space http://tfl.nu/vmc9
  Replies (24) Good night (4069) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.

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  (773): My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended. http://tfl.nu/c9ao
  Replies (38) Good night (1335) Bad night (3618) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

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  (541): You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth http://tfl.nu/plwz
  Replies (47) Good night (1127) Bad night (5533) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.

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  (215): It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis. http://tfl.nu/bygw
  Replies (14) Good night (1206) Bad night (5442) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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  (602): You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary. http://tfl.nu/hnqx
  Replies (24) Good night (5287) Bad night (918) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

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  (617): I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while. http://tfl.nu/clpn
  Replies (15) Good night (4312) Bad night (1191) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.

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  (224): I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week. http://tfl.nu/ba7c
  Replies (13) Good night (3219) Bad night (1801) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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  (609): This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/9axz
  Replies (30) Good night (7023) Bad night (1031) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Good morning to you

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  (203): Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday? (1-203): Good morning to you http://tfl.nu/rc7c
  Replies (12) Good night (4766) Bad night (2017) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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  (714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs
  Replies (14) Good night (6008) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
  Replies (51) Good night (16201) Bad night (1167) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway

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  (443): Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway http://tfl.nu/al82
  Replies (15) Good night (3571) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

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  (920): the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet. http://tfl.nu/lvr3
  Replies (12) Good night (5745) Bad night (806)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  so finals studying is going well?

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  (309): i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. (309): so finals studying is going well? http://tfl.nu/jt5e
  Replies (13) Good night (7164) Bad night (930)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?

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  (313): How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going? http://tfl.nu/4fop
  Replies (11) Good night (1113) Bad night (4030) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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  (901): She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle. (1-901): Dude, if you don't take her, I will. http://tfl.nu/8ufn
  Replies (34) Good night (6693) Bad night (1128)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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  (519): Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten. http://tfl.nu/vjjo
  Replies (24) Good night (4932) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.

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  (479): Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain. http://tfl.nu/si9l
  Replies (13) Good night (834) Bad night (4823) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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  (413): He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing. http://tfl.nu/up8v
  Replies (8) Good night (1160) Bad night (4170) Order T-Shirt
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  (915): View more from Texas

  like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on

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  (915): like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on http://tfl.nu/aizw
  Replies (7) Good night (4238) Bad night (841)
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  (916): View more from California

  It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.

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  (916): It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable. http://tfl.nu/6byi
  Replies (7) Good night (3248) Bad night (1324) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.

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  (815): Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat. http://tfl.nu/tzy1
  Replies (15) Good night (4158) Bad night (1696) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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  (815): i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since. (1-815): you need to get laid.. and an oil change. http://tfl.nu/z8d3
  Replies (18) Good night (1546) Bad night (4800)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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  (720): Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers http://tfl.nu/jgqx
  Replies (4) Good night (5360) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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  (206): My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'. http://tfl.nu/39kt
  Replies (10) Good night (4820) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

  (706): View more from Georgia

  i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

  (971): View more from Oregon

  it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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  (971): one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull. (706): i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer... (971): it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible. http://tfl.nu/efvs
  Replies (9) Good night (4073) Bad night (809)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.

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  (636): No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from. http://tfl.nu/d5gf
  Replies (4) Good night (901) Bad night (2840) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.

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  (203): I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season. http://tfl.nu/xinh
  Replies (24) Good night (5069) Bad night (1051) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

  (1-530): View more from California

  fuck. you.

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  (530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv
  Replies (54) Good night (11958) Bad night (1656)
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  (845): View more from New York

  He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

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  (845): He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love http://tfl.nu/i52c
  Replies (12) Good night (5130) Bad night (1152) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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  (251): Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his http://tfl.nu/lwp2
  Replies (26) Good night (1088) Bad night (6627) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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  (205): i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers http://tfl.nu/g3p7
  Replies (25) Good night (6622) Bad night (932) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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  (720): You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger. http://tfl.nu/3qkv
  Replies (90) Good night (1585) Bad night (12621) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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  (518): she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going. http://tfl.nu/q9ws
  Replies (16) Good night (1331) Bad night (6631) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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  (415): Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only. http://tfl.nu/ffub
  Replies (7) Good night (4719) Bad night (884) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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  (603): I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter. http://tfl.nu/ujkx
  Replies (6) Good night (8714) Bad night (987)
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  (754): View more from Florida

  you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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  (754): you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence. http://tfl.nu/syql
  Replies (16) Good night (4256) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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  (604): 5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real. http://tfl.nu/vlat
  Replies (7) Good night (4932) Bad night (977) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.

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  (513): I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here. http://tfl.nu/bgry
  Replies (11) Good night (2651) Bad night (1305) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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  (210): Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer http://tfl.nu/6bxa
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..

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  (270): they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out.. http://tfl.nu/o5dk
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  (+32): View more from Belgium

  guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for

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  (+32): guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for http://tfl.nu/2pon
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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  (604): fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this http://tfl.nu/yh2h
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.

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  (918): WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW. http://tfl.nu/fz7p
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  (772): View more from Florida

  remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.

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  (772): remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night. http://tfl.nu/s4kw
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.

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  (309): Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins. http://tfl.nu/lj1p
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.

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  (814): We need to get her some penis inspired head protection. http://tfl.nu/pcof
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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  (862): he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!" http://tfl.nu/rt63
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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  (904): Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it. http://tfl.nu/tda5
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  (310): View more from California

  I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

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  (310): I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit. http://tfl.nu/d25i
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

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  (660): Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test? http://tfl.nu/cwr3
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.

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  (410): I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will. http://tfl.nu/52i2
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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  (970): Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well. http://tfl.nu/7lfy
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.

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  (317): I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment. http://tfl.nu/sxji
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  (914): View more from New York

  After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...

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  (914): After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories... http://tfl.nu/40wb
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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  (402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst
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  (707): View more from California

  We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.

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  (707): We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday. http://tfl.nu/jjrt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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  (203): They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court. http://tfl.nu/8rt0
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.

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  (917): I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it. http://tfl.nu/n6vl
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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  (412): I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up http://tfl.nu/fu0m
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

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  (845): Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success http://tfl.nu/8g5x
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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  (617): it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina. http://tfl.nu/7xv1
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  (315): View more from New York

  Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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  (315): Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis http://tfl.nu/8w9k
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.

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  (941): Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low. http://tfl.nu/swva
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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  (623): I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take. http://tfl.nu/lajr
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  (619): View more from California

  my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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  (619): my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew. http://tfl.nu/qfs0
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

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  (913): season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown. http://tfl.nu/f9w7
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

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  (425): Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while http://tfl.nu/c37v
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

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  (703): A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world http://tfl.nu/xi7q
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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  (309): I'd suck anything for a pizza right now http://tfl.nu/grjz
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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  (765): I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position. http://tfl.nu/oixi
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  (915): View more from Texas

  when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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  (915): when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up http://tfl.nu/inqg
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  (786): View more from Florida

  i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.

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  (786): i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot. http://tfl.nu/tkrk
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  (650): View more from California

  We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

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  (650): We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you. http://tfl.nu/6i0s
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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  (309): so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished. http://tfl.nu/wbty
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories

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  (973): my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories http://tfl.nu/tcvk
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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  (301): Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today http://tfl.nu/gkj4
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.

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  (865): I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this. http://tfl.nu/mix4
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

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  (704): I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right? http://tfl.nu/ljg3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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  (617): We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well. http://tfl.nu/7kjf
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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  (269): Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option. http://tfl.nu/dknj
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number

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  (248): Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number http://tfl.nu/nl2y
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.

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  (214): he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day. http://tfl.nu/ey19
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.

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  (410): i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job. http://tfl.nu/i6fk
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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  (719): Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you. http://tfl.nu/04eg
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  God wants them to get laid too.

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  (267): Why do fat girls all have such cute faces? (484): God wants them to get laid too. http://tfl.nu/23cz
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  (845): View more from New York

  i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

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  (845): i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it. http://tfl.nu/ii10
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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  (519): Clothes are such an inconvenience. http://tfl.nu/1jcm
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

  (708): View more from Illinois

  I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

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  (630): He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now... (708): I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come.... http://tfl.nu/k2gw
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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  (614): Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit? http://tfl.nu/zum7
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood

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  (307): you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood http://tfl.nu/ts9e
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

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  (503): Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare. http://tfl.nu/yoal
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

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  (513): you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar http://tfl.nu/7jk8
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

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  (+44): Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong? http://tfl.nu/qz2n
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

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  (740): id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag. http://tfl.nu/yqo6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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  (401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride. http://tfl.nu/b4k2
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ah tequila...

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  (913): You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur # (816): ah tequila... http://tfl.nu/7k34
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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  (412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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  (701): does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat? http://tfl.nu/hd1u
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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  (910): Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up. http://tfl.nu/oxuw
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

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  (609): This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage http://tfl.nu/v5ez
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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  (919): She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me! http://tfl.nu/g61u
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

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  (660): My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :) http://tfl.nu/iyqj
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.

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  (610): Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital. http://tfl.nu/94uz
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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  (330): giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire. http://tfl.nu/oqcy
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  This explains a lot.

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  (609): So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner.... (732): This explains a lot. http://tfl.nu/s7a0
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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  (419): This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream? http://tfl.nu/farl
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  (707): View more from California

  he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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  (707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr
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  (858): View more from California

  Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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  (858): Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch http://tfl.nu/zban
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.

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  (910): This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods. http://tfl.nu/a6lo
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

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  (404): Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/akrg
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.

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  (414): Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after. http://tfl.nu/9oxv
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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  (773): She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs http://tfl.nu/4ami
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.

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  (317): Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube. http://tfl.nu/etlx
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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  (224): Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like. http://tfl.nu/j59v
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.

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  (417): I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL. http://tfl.nu/srh0
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year

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  (412): Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year http://tfl.nu/b3y5
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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  (715): and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing http://tfl.nu/e1xa
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Welcome to my life

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  (970): I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big (720): Welcome to my life http://tfl.nu/0f9d
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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  (843): when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home. http://tfl.nu/096s
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  (845): View more from New York

  Because ur a stupid bitch

  (1-845): View more from New York

  Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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  (845): Because ur a stupid bitch (1-845): Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch. http://tfl.nu/0sjk
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

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  (410): I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve. http://tfl.nu/3z74
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  (516): View more from New York

  The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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  (516): The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home. http://tfl.nu/xzym
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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  (717): Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think. http://tfl.nu/f6ax
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  (813): View more from Florida

  We shouldn"t be alone together

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  you didn"t say that yesterday

  (813): View more from Florida

  you weren't married yesterday

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  (813): We shouldn"t be alone together (606): you didn"t say that yesterday (813): you weren't married yesterday http://tfl.nu/oykj
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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  (662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister. (1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother. http://tfl.nu/5xkr
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"

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  (918): My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?" http://tfl.nu/ksw8
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete

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  (484): maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete http://tfl.nu/m91r
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  (727): View more from Florida

  A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!

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  (727): A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend! http://tfl.nu/ajdu
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

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  (317): Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar http://tfl.nu/plcg
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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  (832): I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie. http://tfl.nu/bxsq
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina

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  (504): it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina http://tfl.nu/k8v5
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer

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  (613): i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer http://tfl.nu/3jhr
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  fireball beer pong. youre missing out

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  how is that even possible?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ove gloves.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  be there in ten.

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  (908): fireball beer pong. youre missing out (732): how is that even possible? (908): ove gloves. (732): be there in ten. http://tfl.nu/dpvx
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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  (609): Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class http://tfl.nu/440m
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.

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  (270): I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world. http://tfl.nu/l4ml
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day

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  (480): She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day http://tfl.nu/vsgx
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.

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  (913): I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM. http://tfl.nu/ou48
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.

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  (360): I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/54bi
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back

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  (630): scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back http://tfl.nu/xz4y
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project

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  (440): i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project http://tfl.nu/w3av
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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  (303): just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals http://tfl.nu/h68j
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.

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  (304): just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement. http://tfl.nu/6va8
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  (207): View more from Maine

  at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally

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  (207): at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally http://tfl.nu/d50n
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."

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  (703): She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet." http://tfl.nu/u6hh
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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  (717): I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this. http://tfl.nu/8qff
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  (562): View more from California

  Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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  (562): Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on http://tfl.nu/30zy
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...

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  (203): Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night... http://tfl.nu/4ooo
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  (646): View more from New York

  They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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  (646): They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?! http://tfl.nu/7uj0
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

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  (918): Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side http://tfl.nu/owir
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  (940): View more from Texas

  nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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  (940): nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that http://tfl.nu/ymub
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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  (814): What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners." (423): Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A. (814): No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay. http://tfl.nu/o5wb
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.

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  (865): I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is. http://tfl.nu/unb6
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

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  (919): I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes. http://tfl.nu/2m3g
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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  (270): It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night http://tfl.nu/y9wt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Not even the dog will look at me anymore.

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  (301): Not even the dog will look at me anymore. http://tfl.nu/6y6q
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  (817): View more from Texas

  idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on

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  (817): idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on http://tfl.nu/4tgi
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  (516): View more from New York

  I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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  (516): I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs" http://tfl.nu/07qw
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere

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  (203): Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere http://tfl.nu/w3xh
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

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  (239): I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high.. http://tfl.nu/0y5k
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

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  (307): So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that" http://tfl.nu/5p37
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  (210): View more from Texas

  it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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  (210): it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it. http://tfl.nu/7f8c
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket

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  (615): i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket http://tfl.nu/krhl
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love

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  (609): He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love http://tfl.nu/lok4
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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  (781): the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator http://tfl.nu/8mwn
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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  (360): Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/jop2
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

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  (618): It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me. http://tfl.nu/1449
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

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  (701): entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place http://tfl.nu/zqzf
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester

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  (724): yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester http://tfl.nu/0tku
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

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  (405): You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class. http://tfl.nu/7p98
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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  (919): We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad. http://tfl.nu/rfuh
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.

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  (484): wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day. http://tfl.nu/pyo4
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?

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  (973): Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet? http://tfl.nu/xg0z
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  (714): View more from California

  We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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  (714): We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her http://tfl.nu/ekrz
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.

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  (203): doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student. http://tfl.nu/a880
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  (817): View more from Texas

  just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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  (817): just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child http://tfl.nu/48ux
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?

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  (541): Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone? http://tfl.nu/1eib
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

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  (972): I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches. http://tfl.nu/t94t
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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  (732): i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter http://tfl.nu/90no
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.

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  (404): So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B. http://tfl.nu/ianl
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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  (330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life. http://tfl.nu/g5ok
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

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  (412): I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8. http://tfl.nu/h2aq
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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  (434): NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup. http://tfl.nu/qouj
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.

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  (201): It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers. http://tfl.nu/1fi2
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  (831): View more from California

  i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?

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  (831): i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock? http://tfl.nu/twxe
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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  (413): i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list. http://tfl.nu/l7yl
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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  (847): On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity. http://tfl.nu/th3j
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  (516): View more from New York

  theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...

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  (516): theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again... http://tfl.nu/q6mz
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  (650): View more from California

  I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it

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  (650): I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it http://tfl.nu/nnzm
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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  (973): we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle. http://tfl.nu/il9h
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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  (512): I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high. http://tfl.nu/3kr7
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  (607): View more from New York

  you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later

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  (607): you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later http://tfl.nu/x9e9
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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  (757): I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well http://tfl.nu/14t6
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  She did the bend and snap...

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  (519): I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy. (519): She did the bend and snap... http://tfl.nu/78hn
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  (409): View more from Texas

  well he's currently spooning the coffee table

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  (409): well he's currently spooning the coffee table http://tfl.nu/7khb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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  (617): He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him. http://tfl.nu/v8g0
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

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  (615): I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting. http://tfl.nu/31wc
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos

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  (215): i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos http://tfl.nu/9f8x
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  (518): View more from New York

  his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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  (518): his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed" http://tfl.nu/g8fj
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  (650): View more from California

  You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.

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  (650): You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him. http://tfl.nu/2plm
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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  (508): All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed. http://tfl.nu/eckq
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  (207): View more from Maine

  so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.

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  (207): so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable. http://tfl.nu/pqak
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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  (617): I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree http://tfl.nu/6ra8
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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  (765): He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder. http://tfl.nu/7khc
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried

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  (908): i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried http://tfl.nu/sini
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i dont even know how to be here

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  (973): i dont even know how to be here http://tfl.nu/mwy9
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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  (414): they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed???? http://tfl.nu/zsp8
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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  (608): This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night. http://tfl.nu/r58q
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

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  (615): He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick. http://tfl.nu/ib3l
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  (718): View more from New York

  At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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  (718): At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down. http://tfl.nu/ki6l
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  (707): View more from California

  He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good

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  (707): He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good http://tfl.nu/rj3f
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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  (217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9
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  (716): View more from New York

  the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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  (716): the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is.. http://tfl.nu/mon5
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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  (815): Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself. http://tfl.nu/xo78
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.

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  (978): she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head. http://tfl.nu/uhfs
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm

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  (508): Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm http://tfl.nu/fqql
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  (917): View more from New York City

  found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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  (917): found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him http://tfl.nu/3fbj
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  who'd you have sex with.

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  (610): terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions. (1-610): who'd you have sex with. http://tfl.nu/97tl
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  (813): View more from Florida

  So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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  (813): So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell? http://tfl.nu/9wrt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.

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  (813): I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success. http://tfl.nu/8y3e
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

  (407): View more from Florida

  i think you have the wrong number

  (813): View more from Florida

  so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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  (813): I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter. (407): i think you have the wrong number (813): so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool. http://tfl.nu/uuec
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.

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  (813): I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came. http://tfl.nu/sa7y
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.

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  (727): I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was. http://tfl.nu/ul38
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.

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  (727): i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened. (1-727): shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face. http://tfl.nu/dien
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...

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  (727): Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons... http://tfl.nu/8jcz
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

  (727): View more from Florida

  More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

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  (954): I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning. (727): More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort. http://tfl.nu/lvyr
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  (716): View more from New York

  once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party

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  (716): once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party http://tfl.nu/h6v5
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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  (901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  u sound so gay right now

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  (617): I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me. (978): u sound so gay right now http://tfl.nu/zm49
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  (631): View more from New York

  Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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  (631): Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again... http://tfl.nu/fuha
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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  (847): I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note. http://tfl.nu/4rpl
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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  (314): Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one. http://tfl.nu/fj7c
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (786): View more from Florida

  All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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  (786): All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber" http://tfl.nu/jvct
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  (845): View more from New York

  How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

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  (845): How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old? http://tfl.nu/18lu
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.

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  (203): I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/3knu
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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  (330): just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this. http://tfl.nu/6gzz
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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  (219): i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her http://tfl.nu/s6o1
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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  (317): he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed http://tfl.nu/zklq
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  (904): View more from Florida

  We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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  (904): We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple http://tfl.nu/4e1c
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.

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  (410): I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time. http://tfl.nu/uvgg
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  (305): View more from Florida

  we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze

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  (305): we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze http://tfl.nu/vupv
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

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  (807): I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order. http://tfl.nu/8dgh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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  (703): I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number. http://tfl.nu/ol2r
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  (925): View more from California

  Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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  (925): Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit. http://tfl.nu/rw2b
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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  (417): I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka (479): I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once http://tfl.nu/xq51
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?

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  (403): What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex? http://tfl.nu/y75a
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him

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  (541): he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him http://tfl.nu/38fg
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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  (239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q
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  (234): View more from Ohio

  No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.

  (387): View more from

  I don't know what to judge you more for.

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  (234): No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods. (387): I don't know what to judge you more for. http://tfl.nu/wm5k
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  (760): View more from California

  so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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  (760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.

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  (614): So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome. http://tfl.nu/kpah
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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  (443): One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done. http://tfl.nu/o8ax
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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  (256): so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart. http://tfl.nu/u8db
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.

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  (484): New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes. http://tfl.nu/xws1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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  (303): We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen. http://tfl.nu/slj5
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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  (651): i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh http://tfl.nu/x346
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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  (262): I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf http://tfl.nu/oxnj
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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  (941): I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever. http://tfl.nu/ukm2
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

  (917): View more from New York City

  what kind of party is this?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the best kind ever

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  (610): can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home? (917): what kind of party is this? (610): the best kind ever http://tfl.nu/ib1r
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree

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  (561): Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree http://tfl.nu/oe6w
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.

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  (651): I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me. http://tfl.nu/og6e
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  (561): View more from Florida

  george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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  (561): george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it. http://tfl.nu/x2j0
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  (207): View more from Maine

  i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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  (207): i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like http://tfl.nu/ol8k
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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  (973): He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors http://tfl.nu/k8g7
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

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  (856): Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper http://tfl.nu/7rbt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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  (781): Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him. http://tfl.nu/iiv7
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  (818): View more from California

  im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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  (818): im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically. http://tfl.nu/np2a
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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  (850): Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave http://tfl.nu/oh8m
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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  (905): The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty. http://tfl.nu/9wi8
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  (830): View more from Texas

  I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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  (830): I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter http://tfl.nu/xpn7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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  (440): Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana. http://tfl.nu/g8b3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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  (214): decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!? http://tfl.nu/ozc5
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  (310): View more from California

  You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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  (310): You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor... http://tfl.nu/dk61
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

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  (317): Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think http://tfl.nu/kspc
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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  (262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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  (989): I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight. http://tfl.nu/b4pp
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay

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  (781): So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay http://tfl.nu/35ja
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  3some

  (541): View more from Oregon

  You're right, stupid question.

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  (541): What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms? (503): 3some (541): You're right, stupid question. http://tfl.nu/lx7x
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  (954): View more from Florida

  thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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  (954): thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much. http://tfl.nu/ll22
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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  (757): I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it. http://tfl.nu/uqxt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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  (248): today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much http://tfl.nu/3dmn
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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  (617): She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl. http://tfl.nu/oaik
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.

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  (414): no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good. http://tfl.nu/zhbu
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  (516): View more from New York

  We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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  (516): We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story. http://tfl.nu/mad1
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  (845): View more from New York

  So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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  (845): So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation. http://tfl.nu/fvna
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  (585): View more from New York

  she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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  (585): she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over http://tfl.nu/tk3t
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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  (229): please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room. http://tfl.nu/c4g1
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  (310): View more from California

  someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.

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  (310): someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos. http://tfl.nu/nyr8
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

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  (785): turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high http://tfl.nu/v57y
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

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  (304): Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead http://tfl.nu/8a8b
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.

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  (215): he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out. http://tfl.nu/lwob
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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  (303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund. http://tfl.nu/xrnk
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pappa wants mamma naked

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  (847): Pappa wants mamma naked http://tfl.nu/uc4c
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.

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  (250): i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay. http://tfl.nu/ht4h
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?

  (1-509): View more from Washington

  talent.

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  (509): I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy? (1-509): talent. http://tfl.nu/18h3
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.

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  (206): She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe. http://tfl.nu/i5qc
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I think about you every night.

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry.

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  (281): I think about you every night. (1-281): I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/c1b1
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  (760): View more from California

  can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?

  (760): View more from California

  oh geez, wrong person.

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  (760): can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)? (760): oh geez, wrong person. http://tfl.nu/89mo
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.

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  (843): Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind. http://tfl.nu/e2m5
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off

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  (508): Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off http://tfl.nu/hh3c
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Da na na, na na naa

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  (571): I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background (202): Da na na, na na naa http://tfl.nu/9l4t
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.

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  (419): Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase. http://tfl.nu/7f2q
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.

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  (703): While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens. http://tfl.nu/2i4o
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  ... about that ...

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  (440): thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok? (216): ... about that ... http://tfl.nu/8foz
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  (415): View more from California

  Having a random hookup so left but love u

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  (415): Having a random hookup so left but love u http://tfl.nu/w2t3
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not

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  (302): They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not http://tfl.nu/juyk
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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  (859): he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in? http://tfl.nu/0531
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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  (480): he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug http://tfl.nu/z2q2
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

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  (318): I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry. http://tfl.nu/98cc
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

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  (440): mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again. http://tfl.nu/qawl
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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  (604): I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you. http://tfl.nu/twb2
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  (718): View more from New York

  im about as happy as oj after his trial

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  (718): im about as happy as oj after his trial http://tfl.nu/g9i1
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha

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  (702): Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday... (1-702): ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha http://tfl.nu/3d74
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.

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  (757): I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving. http://tfl.nu/twkc
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry

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  (309): dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry http://tfl.nu/gvg3
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.

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  (713): Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana. http://tfl.nu/xlmv
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.

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  (918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God. http://tfl.nu/l6po
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  what are you wearing?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just my guilt

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  (330): what are you wearing? (703): Just my guilt http://tfl.nu/ln7i
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.

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  (614): Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash. http://tfl.nu/fkwm
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I am absolutely hammered

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  (248): It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now (248): I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!! (248): I am absolutely hammered http://tfl.nu/lexm
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  (650): View more from California

  this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away

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  (650): this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away http://tfl.nu/b3o0
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.

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  (501): Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain. http://tfl.nu/y5sc
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.

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  (336): He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters. http://tfl.nu/0ibe
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.

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  (314): I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore. http://tfl.nu/n30o
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.

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  (214): Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better. http://tfl.nu/wgom
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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  (708): I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you. http://tfl.nu/rvgi
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  (516): View more from New York

  sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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  (516): sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it. http://tfl.nu/pgco
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  What happened?....

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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  (304): What happened?.... (304): He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm.... http://tfl.nu/j714
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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  (832): when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate. http://tfl.nu/63ss
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.

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  (603): Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me. http://tfl.nu/c00l
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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  (404): Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon. http://tfl.nu/d58s
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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  (703): so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine. http://tfl.nu/s4y5
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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  (423): headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home http://tfl.nu/dqj3
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  tasteful.

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  (812): it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked (1-812): tasteful. http://tfl.nu/syjz
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  (315): View more from New York

  We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same

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  (315): We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same http://tfl.nu/yvn7
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I can't believe he would be such an ass

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

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  (561): I can't believe he would be such an ass (1-561): Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything. http://tfl.nu/zk45
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

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  (440): Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs http://tfl.nu/58d0
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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  (336): you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them http://tfl.nu/fxdr
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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  (425): It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down. http://tfl.nu/xg1z
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

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  (610): aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors http://tfl.nu/o36o
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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  (802): I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover. http://tfl.nu/tbtl
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  (716): View more from New York

  Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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  (716): Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten. http://tfl.nu/4lci
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  That's cool how's he been?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.

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  (770): That's cool how's he been? (404): He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much. http://tfl.nu/1kie
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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  (801): He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face. http://tfl.nu/vz1o
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  (619): View more from California

  The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.

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  (619): The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear. http://tfl.nu/8fu9
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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  (608): sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself. http://tfl.nu/6c7w
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.

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  (503): Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college. http://tfl.nu/hzqm
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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  (509): Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico. http://tfl.nu/evuy
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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  (204): I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover http://tfl.nu/k1fy
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b

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  (314): The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b http://tfl.nu/enbb
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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  (704): see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it http://tfl.nu/o2df
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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  (416): He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high. http://tfl.nu/zw5l
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.

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  (519): I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was. http://tfl.nu/2sao
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  (961): View more from

  I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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  (961): I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit http://tfl.nu/r0do
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  (210): View more from Texas

  happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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  (210): happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal. http://tfl.nu/4nij
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  (845): View more from New York

  You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

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  (845): You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you. http://tfl.nu/t7go
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  (234): View more from Ohio

  omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

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  (234): omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic http://tfl.nu/8g4p
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here

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  (630): don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here http://tfl.nu/cm6x
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.

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  (289): I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone. http://tfl.nu/rtzl
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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  (847): Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels. http://tfl.nu/hv8u
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  whats a bus flip?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  idk but apparently i invented it

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  (225): i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip (1-225): whats a bus flip? (225): idk but apparently i invented it http://tfl.nu/n87k
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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  (856): part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty. http://tfl.nu/jt5n
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  hooker boots and all?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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  (313): I did the walk of shame to church this morning. (734): hooker boots and all? (313): Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway. http://tfl.nu/9ht9
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Why am I in a dog kennel?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  It was for your own safety

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  (803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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  (219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9
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  (512): View more from Texas

  someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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  (512): someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP http://tfl.nu/kebb
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low

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  (615): He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low http://tfl.nu/d44y
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  (845): View more from New York

  i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room

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  (845): i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room http://tfl.nu/beeq
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We should party with her soon

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  (651): She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death. (715): We should party with her soon http://tfl.nu/q1hq
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  (408): View more from California

  Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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  (408): Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge? http://tfl.nu/3h8y
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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  (770): At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night. http://tfl.nu/xigq
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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  (301): the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner. http://tfl.nu/49va
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy

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  (814): i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45 (773): Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy http://tfl.nu/wt4o
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  He obviously understands you completely.

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  (206): He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes... (1-206): He obviously understands you completely. http://tfl.nu/r2fl
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Just got walked in on during safety inspections

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Think you passed?

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  (910): Just got walked in on during safety inspections (828): Think you passed? http://tfl.nu/r9km
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest

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  (609): I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest http://tfl.nu/t023
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

  (678): View more from Georgia

  So... What happend then?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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  (404): She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating" (678): So... What happend then? (404): We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM. http://tfl.nu/3t62
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

  (260): View more from Indiana

  He probs deserved it.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Every good man does.

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  (317): I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell. (260): He probs deserved it. (317): Every good man does. http://tfl.nu/4ma5
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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  (603): sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!" http://tfl.nu/halh
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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  (720): My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this? http://tfl.nu/za6z
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.

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  (412): No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger. http://tfl.nu/77i8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break

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  (214): She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break http://tfl.nu/bh5f
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  fair is fair

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  (610): we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it (484): fair is fair http://tfl.nu/tm5x
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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  (704): It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States. http://tfl.nu/t1qp
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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  (615): The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face. http://tfl.nu/dqag
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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  (416): Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck. http://tfl.nu/lba2
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  (214): View more from Texas

  new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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  (214): new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5. http://tfl.nu/1dnu
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

  (561): View more from Florida

  He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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  (561): I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class. (561): He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it. http://tfl.nu/mjkl
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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  (281): Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character. http://tfl.nu/f69z
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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  (978): i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party http://tfl.nu/osnp
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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  (860): Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica http://tfl.nu/womi
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  (718): View more from New York

  you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...

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  (718): you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water... http://tfl.nu/djs2
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  (646): View more from New York

  we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

  (219): View more from Indiana

  you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

  (646): View more from New York

  nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

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  (646): we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest.. (219): you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked. (646): nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us.. http://tfl.nu/wc73
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  (845): View more from New York

  I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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  (845): I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/36t1
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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  (970): Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today. http://tfl.nu/sid7
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Clearly I made an impression.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Or at least your vagina did.

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  (520): Clearly I made an impression. (404): Or at least your vagina did. http://tfl.nu/bank
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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  (386): Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him http://tfl.nu/2ppo
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