I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i dont even know how to be here
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Pappa wants mamma naked
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think about you every night.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Having a random hookup so left but love u
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
dude i'm inner monologue high
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.