3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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