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Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Found your dick twin last night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
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