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In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We had to coat check the pizza.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
How's work?
Spinning.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
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