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She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just found a bag of teeth...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
this will be a night to untag.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
People in love make me want to vomit
I will die if light touches me.
I puked a lego.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I wish I only lived at night.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
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