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Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I want to have your abortion
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
This is not my ceiling
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think I sprained my soul last night
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
one might say we're banned from that church
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
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