Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Too much gin, very little bucket
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Acid is not a monday night drug
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
drinking out of a sandbucket again
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed