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if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The beer is more important than you right now.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
This girl is more easily done than said...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
If i come over, it means nothing
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I wish I only lived at night.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
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