I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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