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I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You have to summon your inner elephant
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We have started to decorate penises.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's blow job season.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The air was thick with penises
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
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