I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Loading more great texts...