I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
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